Day7: my journey so far

I've done this once before, when I had absolutely no hope but had the luck of being trapped by the pandemic at home without recourse to physicians--so I had nothing to lose by reading Dr. Sarno. I was raised by skeptical scientists and it goes against everything I was raised to believe--his evidence is hardly the rigorous scientific method!--and yet I believed it. I was open to it. Why not? I really had nothing to lose. I gave myself over to the belief that it was psychological, and yet not my fault. I recognized my own perfectionism and goodiness and being hard on myself and being afraid of anger. Childhood anger, infantile rage. I allowed myself to express it. Rage at life not being fair. Rage at not being loved enough.

And the pain went away and has NEVER returned in that spot.

It's amazing that years later, I would not realize instantly that the new pain I've felt is also TMS. But the mind is tricky! It found a way to persuade me--growing old. I just believed growing old meant aches and pains! And then one day it dawned on me--the old trickster had got me again! So I'm back. And this time I'm going big--I think it's not just hip and back pain, but my entire identity as an "anxious person," that is entirely a creation of my mind. I'm rejecting all of it as my mind trying to divert my attention from old, old rage. Rage at four years old, five years old. Eighteen years old. But the gig is up! I'm onto you, mind. Thank you for your service--you were trying to protect me--but you are no longer needed.

Needless to say, I'm only day 7 of this new journey. No loss of pain, no loss of panic attacks. But I'm going to see it through. I won't live anymore in the haunted house my mind has made for me

 

I like this, what you wrote, @felixwells ! A lot of us in here have conquered TMS before, only to have it come back as we got older. You are among those who understand. You’ll get this!