Day 17 Dear fear

What part of this program do you find the most helpful?

Getting some feedback that some of the difficult experiences that I had were in fact difficult and would cause problems was valuable. I'm finding this question a little weird because the text we are supposed to read today contains this line: I think most of us have had to overcome our tendency of judging ourselves. Yet how can I answer this question without asking myself how I've progressed?
I am uncertain that the SEP is causing a transformation. I'm just trying to complete it faithfully.

Dear fear, why do you haunt me?
Me: I've got to get beyond you. I've been saddled with you for so many years. Fear that I won't get better. Fear that I won't be respected, that I'll be abandoned, that nothing will ever work out. You're there all the time.
Fear: Yes. And everything I say could be true. Your life could be about to collapse. What will you do when the money runs out? And you certainly have been abandoned many times.
Me: But it's never been as bad as you've led me to believe. I've never gone homeless. I've always had resources- always been able to eat and have a roof over my head. That has been one of my main concerns and you've always been wrong about it.
Fear: So far.
Me: Yet it's you that causes these worries to be a possibility. If I wasn't held down by you my financial and living situations would be much more secure. You aren't the result but the cause.
Fear: Cause or result- you still can't get away.
Me: I'm making steps. Playing sports has shown me that I can handle much more than I think I can. It's just a matter of me continuing to do what I'm doing and I'll vanquish you.
Fear: Do you remember two months ago how crippled you felt? You could hardly walk or concentrate when I was hitting you so badly. Don't you remember how you thought that there must be an infinite amount of me stored up?
Me: I do but it passed. I no longer feel that way. Luckily, I'm just getting tired of you. I've realized that no matter how bad life _might_ become it's not worthy carrying you around to prevent it. I just have to do the best I can each day and hope it all works out. Which it seems to be doing.
Fear: Even if it does all work out you are going to get old and infirm. There's no winning in this life- no safety. You will end up in a home with your body failing- surfing technology websites and feeling like the world has neglected you.
Me: Probably. It's hard to avoid that getting old is a long and unpleasant experience but I have a long time before then. In the meantime I'm putting you aside.

 

It's amazing to me how you're able to disengage from these highly provocative comments, and then counter them so effectively. I love your last line -- I'm putting you aside... What really struck me as just incredible was that realization you had - "no matter how bad life _might_ become it's not worth carrying you around to prevent it." This should be a mantra for people to repeat when fear rears its ugly, ugly head. I know that's going to stick with me. Thank you so much for posting this.

 

That is really excellent, Luke! Fear has been my constant, unwanted companion ever since I can remember. I realized when I was thirty that I couldn't remember a single day when I wasn't afraid of something, and I've been slowly working on it over the last ten years. The horrible scenarios in my head are always worse than what comes to pass. If only I could reclaim some of the time I've spent worrying for no reason. All I can do is move forward and try to keep the fear and anxiety in its place.

 

Becca thank you for telling me that this was helpful for you. There are many times where I'm wondering what I'm doing and if I'm making the right moves toward getting better. Hearing that it's useful for you affirms that it may be useful for me too.

 

Interesting dialogue!

Can you select one fear and do some writing about that one?

Also keep in mind that most (if not all) of our current issues are rooted in childhood. Can you remember the first time you felt fearful? this is where journaling is helpful--as you choose one topic to write about--an artichoke begins to delayer and you may be surprised at what you find under each layer. BUT this way you can get to the ROOT of the fears and process out!

 

Lori,
I will try out your suggestions.