I grew up in an extremely negative environment. Since I started working on retraining my beliefs, I came to realize my mom is the one who conditioned me to be sick. Not blaming her, just stating a fact. I can't remember a moment in time where my mom wasn't complaining about some type of pain/illness. Every since I can remember, my mother has always been unwell. Back pain, leg pain, gout, swollen feet/ankles, reproductive issues, headaches, grave's disease, rashes, high blood pressure, shingles, obesity...I can go on, but you all get the point. I grew up thinking that good health was only for rich people. Of course I suspect she has TMS. I can't tell her that though. She blames me for all of her health problems. In her own words, "I DIDN'T HAVE ALL OF THESE PROBLEMS UNTIL I HAD YOU!!!" *all caps because my mom is an aggressive shouter* I've heard this my entire life. All the therapy in the world has not helped me release this anger that I feel. It's funny when I think about it now because I've never been able to just hug my mom without her screaming, "OUCH! GET OFF OF ME!!!" and aggressively pushing me off of her. Meanwhile, her husband can touch her with no aggressive backlash nor does she scream in agony. I guess she's only in pain when I needed affection... I remember being a child and hearing her constantly tell me I was going to suffer my whole life with sinus issues, all because I was born during fall. She told me I had hay fever, as if hay fever is an permanent illness. So, of course I believed it and I've suffered from sinus and some respiratory problems throughout my life. As I got closer to graduating college, I found myself in and out of doctor's offices trying to figure out what was wrong with me. I was having panic attacks, but I thought I had a heart condition. After a year of various testing, I was diagnosed with GAD, GERD, clinical depression, and panic disorder. My doctor gave me an otherwise great health report, but she said, "other than your weight, you're very healthy. I'm not sure how much of your health complaints are psychological though, but maybe if you lost the weight, then you'd feel better." I was offended, but then I thought to myself, "well I AM overweight. My mom is overweight also and has many health issues. So maybe all my problems ARE caused by my weight." I graduated from college in 2009, moved back into my parent's house and started "fixing" myself. My weight was my primary focus. I figured if I lost weight, then my life would drastically improve. I started my health journey in 2013 and by 2017, I'd lost 100lbs...BUT I felt even worse than I did before. Basically, as I was losing weight, I developed chronic neck pain. Imagine my frustration. Lol I started beating myself about it. Because even though I paced my weight loss journey (it took 4+ years), I couldn't help but to think, "maybe it's because I lost too much weight. I just changed my diet by eating healthier, but maybe I should've been exercising as well. Maybe my muscles are weak. Maybe it's due to my desk job"---- all sorts of maybes. Oh! I was also in therapy during this time. Because I learned how anxiety disorder can cause many physical ailments. I did everything that I was encouraged to do to better my health. Nothing worked. The pain got so bad, I quit working, started walking/jogging everyday, and went to therapy more frequently. I'm the healthiest I've ever been in life (based on my weight, blood work, etc.), yet I feel like shit. I recently started thinking, "maybe I need to lift weights and really tone my muscles." Then a queation popped in mind: "how strong/muscular do I need to be I order to feel normal?" It's like my logical brain fully believes and accepts TMS, but my emotional brain is still in fight or flight mode and nothing soothes me or makes me feel safe long enough to fully relax. It's taken a long time to recondition my mind to not believe in poor health, especially while living with my 'always ailing' mother and her recently disabled husband. I feel like I live in a nursing home. I wish I could blame my environment, but even when I moved thousands of miles away, my health didn't improve. I'm mostly in bed all day everyday aince I don't work and don't have a car anymore. I move around frequently though, by walking to the park, jogging, stretching, sitting outside in the sun, gardening, doing household chores, cooking, etc. I truly try my best to keep my body moving, but it's only so much that I can do. I guess I'm just writing this to vent and ask for support. I'm doing the daily work and constantly telling myself, "I'm safe, it's not structural, it's just anxiety, muscle tension, mild oxygen. I'm not dying. I'm perfectly healthy." I guess it's just not clicking for me. Every time I read a success story, I noticed everyone that healed instantly are those that had pretty fulfilling lives prior to the onset of chronic pain. I can't relate to that. Hearing, "it's okay to get back to living your life" doesn't excite me. My only support system is my friends who live miles away, nad even that's not consistent. I've been single for 13 years and I'm only 33. It almost feels like I've never had companionship. I pray all day, express gratitude, think positive yet my future still seems dim. I've started several businesses that all failed because I wasn't able to fully devote myself. I never give up ans always striving forward...but idk. I used to want sooo much out of life, but now I just want to be happy and feel good and live on my own. I don't even feel like I'll find a significant other. I've been back at home almost 3 years now. I started talking about my desire to move back out a few months ago and my mother's health has been conveniently declining ever since, but I know malingering. She's told me many times how much she prefers me to be here so that I can basically take care of her. I hate it sooo much. I apologize for writing such a long post. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I'll never be free.