Day 8 Doubt Creeping in...

The first week has been mostly magical. Every day, my pain has gotten less severe, I have begun to work out regularly and with more intention that I've had in years, and absolutely no fear.

I took a few days off of the program (had some all day engagements and the TMS program gave permission for a day or two off, so I thought, why not!) I could feel a voice of doubt begin to subtly creep in. I went to workout, performing some movements that I would have previously avoided for fear of triggering back pain, attempting to ignore the doubt. I finished my lift and shortly after the pain came back.

I told myself "it's tension, don't worry," but the doubt was already there. I thought to myself, maybe the pain is from a virus, but the pain kept getting worse, which only increased my doubt. Maybe it's structural after all and I'm only making it worse. I tried to continue to tell myself "it's just tension, I have nothing wrong with my back," but the damage was done. The pain got worse, a terrible night of sleep and I'm hobbling around this morning in a lot of discomfort.

I'm so grateful for this forum and specifically the Day 8 assignment, because it seemed to speak directly to me. It reminded me that this is a process, and I can't expect to heal nearly a decade of pain in a week.

I'm self critical, prone to anger, prone to shame, and guilt. I began to think about what my body might be telling me, and though doubt is still gently simmering, I'm beginning to uncover more about myself, which feels like its just part of my journey.

I'm launching a new company after years of being semi-retired. I'm launching this business by myself (the first time I'll launch without a partner). It's going to take a LOT of work, and I'm doubting myself. I'm worried that I don't have what it takes. I'm worried that I won't be successful, that I'll fall flat on my face. I'm equally excited about it and terrified. I have a list of to-do's longer than today's journal, and I've barely started. If I don't start, I can't fail right?

So then I work out with all this self doubt, criticism, and a mountain of other feelings, and boom the pain is back. I certainly don't have all the answers, I'm only one week into this program, but I have to continually remind myself that this is a journey, a process, and it will take time. Improving the pain feels monumentally important (because it hurts!), but the pain feels like it's here to send me a message as loud (and painful) as possible. I have avoided these emotions all my life (I do everything I can to simply not feel them), but I'm never successful in avoiding them - they come like a storm.

I think the pain is trying to tell me I need to address them, I need to work on self care and self love. I need to work on the ability to understand my emotional self, to recognize and be self aware so that I can love myself and be good to myself when a storm is brewing.

Thank you to Dr. Sarno and this forum. I'm in a lot of pain today, but I know that I'm on a journey to discovering more about my own mental well being, and I'm here to do the work, and I know that this just takes time.

 

What a beautiful, timely post of the memorial date of Dr. Sarno. Thank you Dr. Sarno, indeed.

 

Hi, @LAguy-
You nailed it all here. You have a lot going on. Starting your new biz and facing all this inner work. Even though your first week was magical, it was very unlikely it would stay that way. It’s a journey. You’re doing good. Don’t doubt. Just keep going!

 

Thank you. In so much pain today, it's hard not to be down, or have that doubt creep in, but I'm here to do the work.

 

That is part of the 'mechanism' but don't ignore the doubt ; you can absolutely ignore the pain, cuss it out, tell it to F-off,etc

I had that happen LONG after I'd recovered from pain..it was an old conditioned thing and since I'd been out of pain for so long (years at that point) I just thought I'd sweep the doubt into a corner and forget about it..and the pain came back and I had to shoo it away with TMS work.

So instead of sweeping, I talked to it. Ignoring stuff works sometimes, but it didn't with squats for some reason..I guess it happened when I was still believing the 'Medieval Medical Structural Theory" Sarno speaks of, and it made a strong print.....so now to erase it!

I used to get a little sciatica when I did squats. Even before I had major problems. So, sitting down and working through it, I realized the sciatica with squats ONLY started AFTER MY SON WAS BORN and the gym was my lone respite.

The Funny thing was I could go to work and lift heavy loads all day long with no problems, replicating the same motion..it was only when working out that it happened. I can even remember a machine that I associated it with.
I had to do that homework to disable the conditioning from when it STARTED, the connection my brain had made and then raise that in my awareness...talk to it. "Hey..I'm gonna work out and I don't need your help....even if I am under pressure right now I can deal with it and You don't make any sense anyways"

That one was like a tattoo..I still occasionally remind myself that I was under pressure to support my family, terrified about being a father and Lonely.....

The TMS is always trying to 'help' so the trick is to figure out what it is trying to 'help' with.

I know you've been through this before, but I still have to remind myself and I am going on my 25th year...so much 'noise' out there trying to scare us, particularly in the sports/athletic world.

 

Thank you. This is very helpful. I am trying hard to tell the pain to F off, but to be aware of the thoughts that are associated with the pain. It's hard, but I'm trying to acknowledge that this is a process built from many years of habitual mechanisms and self talk, fear, frustration, and giving the pain too much of my attention. Thanks for sharing this.

 

I'm in a little bit of a similar situation to you, @LAguy. Couple of weeks in, have been trying to just ignore back pain and live like there's nothing wrong. Today, there's some pain. Not a ton, and I'm just trying to do all my regular activities. Even went out and played a couple of hours of tennis in the heat and had no trouble. But I can't deny that the old pain is there. Doesn't really make me doubt the Sarno diagnosis, but still, it's clear that just accepting the diagnosis of TMS is not some kind of get out of jail free card that just makes all your problems go away for the rest of your life. In your case, seems like there's no way that all that pressure, worry, self-doubt etc. is not playing a role in your back pain. How could it not?

I guess what I'm trying to do is not only go forward with life and try to give the back of my hand to my symptoms as much as possible, but also realize that far too much of my life has been burdened by worry and self-doubt. Hence the mantra: it's gonna be okay. Sounds so simple, but everyone knows how hard it is to really live by. But I do have the strong sense that these various TMS-based retraining programs can enable anyone to overcome the things that have been holding them back. When you learn how much of the shitty stuff in your life has been caused by a tension-based psychological syndrome, it allows you somehow to just say: screw that, I'm not going to live in fear anymore. So go start that business! Maybe it will succeed and maybe it won't, but you'll be okay no matter what. To paraphrase Dan Buglio, no matter how bad things might seem or you worry they might get, just remember that you've made it through all the bad days of your life so far--even the very worst ones.

 

I love that, thank you so much! "screw that, I'm not going to live in fear anymore." - This is the treatment for me right now. The pain is there, but I'm done worrying about it and exacerbating the problems. Thanks again for sharing and for your kind words. I'm launching the business next week! A business with a purpose, and its gonna be a great adventure!

 

Wow! This is huge. Been thinking about this a lot. My TMS is saying “ouch” for me. Because I never will. It’s giving me an excuse to say “no” to so many painful scenarios. For the past few days I’ve been saying to it. “I can take it from here. I’ll say no myself.” And it’s almost like I can hear it saying, “I don’t trust you yet.”