Embarrassing TMS symptoms (Possibly TMI)

When I was in my twenties I decided to quit using porn. I was doing well with it but when I would 'relapse' I started to feel really terrible. I would get really depressed with new found chronic pain after every time I orgasmed.

I've suffered so much from the pain that I greatly feared this bodily function for close to ten years. After an orgasm I would not be able to function with tons of symptoms. It would be doubly worse if I had more than one in a week. I've felt massive shame and embarrassment around it and it has made relationships almost impossible. (relationships have always been hard because of my fear of intimacy, and I've never told a girlfriend I suffer from this) I thought there was something was wrong with my body that was causing it like an autoimmune disorder or something. I can't help but feel like my case is unique based on what triggers it.

After discovering TMS I realized it was what was causing my issue. It took me a while to figure it out because this is not a common trigger for people with TMS. I realized it comes from the shame I feel about it. I've been telling myself it comes from emotions but there is a small part of me that feels like it's just something that is wrong with my body. Part of me feels like I'll never be able to have sex multiple times in a week and still be functional. It's been ten years of a really strong fear about this, so maybe it will take some time. I keep telling myself it's just my faulty alarm system and I can overcome it. but I almost always have symptoms afterword, like clockwork, so I still feel it's something wrong with my body.

Would it be better to have an orgasm multiple times a week and reframe my fear thoughts about it, like exposure therapy?

Also, reframing things in terms of emotions is difficult because I get so disassociated from my body. Would love any tips. Thanks!

 

The work for you is 2 fold: neutralizing the physical "trigger" (in this case orgasm) and the conditioned response to it, and addressing the emotional causes of shame. The defense of using porn as an escape was a way to avoid negative beliefs you had about yourself. The question is where do these beliefs come from? Most likely childhood attachment trauma and some form of emotional abuse/neglect that resulted in you internalizing the message that you weren't good enough, or lovable etc.. There may also be societal conditioning (religion, culture, media etc.) in addition. These core wounds have a way of creating a distorted lens of perception through which we view ourselves, others and life. Dismantling these false beliefs and integrating past trauma is the first step in healing. Start by simply recognizing that the trigger of orgasm is harmless and not the cause of symptoms. Your thoughts about the trigger are the cause. Consider coaching or therapy to untangle some of these emotional themes and the ways they keep playing out in your present day. Cultivate self compassion and improving the relationship you have with yourself. Right now you are at war with yourself in a sense. You have not given yourself permission to fully grieve how you suffered, or to feel deserving of happiness. So the work will be both cognitive (understanding why your body responds the way it does), and emotional (what is the communication of the symptoms?). As far as the graded exposure piece, that will unfold organically within the normal context of life and relationships. Deal with the mental/emotional piece first. Behaviors will change as a natural consequence. Don't turn it into some kind of "fix it" "program".