Day 11 Emotional journal entry - felt the need to post this

Evening folks,

I have just written a journal entry for day 11 that I think will make me feel better posting it - I think it is definitely one of the things I am most angry about both consciously and, inevitably, subconsciously. As always, its fairly broken as I'm sure like a lot of you, I write fast while journalling. I have 'starred' out my swearing

When I was 21 years old, my dad left home and left my mum. I feel bitter and angry about this still. There is no way to describe the anger and frustration I feel at the fact that we will never be a proper family again because of the selfish way he acted. I can’t believe him and my mum had been together for 26 years, and then he just decided one day to leave and be with another woman. It’s worse that he had been sleeping with her behind my mums back, and didn’t have the guts to face up to his problems and talk to her. It is so sad to think that if he had been stronger and talked to her, then perhaps they could have worked through their issues and would still be together now. Thinking back to the way I felt at the time, I felt despair. I felt like the world was closing in around me and there was nothing I could do to stop it. It was like watching another person’s life from the outside in. This kind of thing doesn’t happen to me. It’s something you hear about happening to other people. I always thought we had a great, happy family that would be together forever. But this one event has impacted too much on me then and over the last few years that I can’t begin to think about how much. There are so many things it has affected. So many things that my dad should have been present for, but wasn’t. My graduation. My brother’s graduation. On my wedding day it was so sad to watch my dad being treated like an outsider. He didn’t look like he fit in. I love my dad so much and it’s a battle going on in my mind all the time between anger and love. I find it f****** annoying that I feel like I can’t and am not supposed to love him as much anymore. All the time the feelings of love I have for him are clouded by the feelings of anger and frustration I have for what he did. I think about wanting to punch him. When I see my mum crying again and feeling like she doesn’t have a life anymore, and feeling like she is alone, I get so angry with him I just want to call him up and tell him. But I don’t because I don’t want to hurt him! What the hell is that all about? He did such a disgusting thing and I don’t want to hurt him? He deserves to be hurt the same way my mum and us have been hurt. But that’s the thing. I can’t be the person to hurt him. I hate being the person to hurt anyone, even if that means speaking the truth or saying what I am really thinking. What a constant battle and undertaking my mind must be having. I won’t let my mind say the things even I think it should be allowed to say!

I can remember crying so much at the time – I cried on my wife’s shoulder at the time more times than I can count, because I couldn’t bare the thought that there was now going to be such turmoil in our lives. Seeing my mum fall to pieces and change over the years has been heart breaking, and something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. I still don’t think I can forgive my dad for what he did. It drives me mad when we go and see him and hear him talking about his new fiancé and her daughters as if they are his own family now. We are his family! It should be us he is spending Christmas and birthdays with. This year he missed Elijah’s first birthday because he didn’t want to cause conflict with my mum. Yeah great. Thanks very much for being so f****** considerate now. The only real reason was that he didn’t want to come without his new woman now and they should be treated as a ‘couple’ now. Well sorry for being so f******* demanding. ArrrrGHGHHG”!!!! But now I can’t cry. Writing this I want to cry and let it out. I want to shout out loud. But more than anything I want to tell my dad what a failure he has been since he left. But I know I never will. I know that I am the better person, and instead I will take care of him and never want to hurt him the way he hurt us.

 

UkadR you said it, you got it out. Now you have to release this emotion ok.
Although I want you to know that feeling this way is truth
and you did it textbook by writing it down.

If the journaling and talking about it didn't do it then I'd recommend a tool for you called

Focusing that I will give you a link to if need be.
The way you journal is powerful.
Bless you

 

Thanks for the reply Herbie,

I would very much like that tool. I am finding I am free flowing a little more with my writing and journaling now, but am still struggling with 'feeling' while I am writing. I have seen obvious flashes of this when I lose my mind to it and find myself writing about things I didn't think I would - I think this is where it becomes true journaling rather than me just desperately searching for things to write about for the sake of it. Its a fine line it seems between journaling true feelings and artificially creating them in an attempt to 'make' yourself have a good session. I hope the tool is something that may help with that

Thanks for the continuing support,

Adam

 

Great post Adam. I think you will find as you keep writing - more and more will be revealed. The power comes in releasing all those emotions. For me, it was powerful because I started identifying emotions that I would dampen down because they weren't "nice" thoughts. I've been able to see this incredible pressure I've put on myself from childhood to adulthood - to be nice, polite and loving at all times. The problem is that I wasn't feeling that way inside - nor did I treat myself nicely on the inner planes. Doing these programs though, I've been made aware of what it feels like in my body to hold the feelings inside. I let it all rip on paper and I'm relieved of the burden of holding them in - or worrying that I'll hurt someone's feelings. This way EVERYONE is safer, if I keep journalling!

 

Thanks for the reply.

I have had a few days off journaling but definitely think I am getting better at it. I have just been reading Steve Ozanich's book and have just finished the 'science part' about the id, ego and superego - very interesting and shows how accessing those thoughts through journaling could potentially be something you would never do in every day life. I still don't think I've managed to go deep enough yet though. I feel there have been hints sometimes, but I would still rather get into more a style of free association writing to try and access my subconscious more.

Adam

 

Herbie - Do you have that link you mentioned earlier about the tool for focusing.

Adam - I sometimes have journaling sessions too where I struggle and feel as if I'm just waffling on to fill out the time and fill the page in and don't feel I'm having a great session. Other times I can really feel my emotions as I'm writing.
I've just finished a journal session just now and I wanted to talk about resentment I have towards different people and talk about why their opinions make my blood boil and as I was writing I could feel my hand shaking and I just went on a swearing rant. unch:I tend to get them feelings better through free writing or unsent letters than anything else. Although with an unsent letter I feel more forgiving than free writing.

I suppose it depends what you write about. I'm taking note now on how I feel and which topics are bringing out the most emotions. Particularly since I've had the pain I have always been one to to get really annoyed over a snidey remark, opinion or comment when to anyone else it would appear trivial. I always just thought it's the way I am but getting into this journaling lark I'm seeing that is my repressed emotions built up inside me leaking out when I'm kicking off. I'd like to get back to how I used to feel. At peace with myself. I will get there and so will you my friend

 

I have made a concious effort to slow down and take me time too. I am making sure I really feel like journalling and/or doing a day of the SEP, and then I can me mindful whilst doing it. Just done some day 12 work so will post it now.

Stay positive and happy people

Adam

 

Im hoping to read steves book myself but I sent him a message and he is working on the audio book at the moment so I might hold out for that as I much prefer to listen than read. I can do it while I have a slow ride to work. I also feel like im getting a two for one. Im doing normal physical activity while not thinking physical while getting some tms education. I read healing back pain then listened to it on audio. Im now listening through it again so im going to get mind body prescription next.