Emotional mess

So, this is gonna be an unfiltered rant probably. Normally i edit it down, so it's easier to read but i'm just soooo frustrated right now. So here goes:
I feel like shit. I've been feeling like shit since december. And it's not even purely physical, i have "good" days with relatively low symptoms. But mentally i am completly gone. I just feel completly overhelmed with everythig and so, so tired. It's absolutely frustrating because it affects my relationships too, for example i just want to be alone and being with people is absolutely exhausting to me, i really don't care to see any of my friends right now, least of all make new connections. It's like i'm constantly steeped in this emotional soup of every bad feeling ever or being completly apathetic. While sitting in the kitchen with my roomate i went from complete apathy to sadness to anger to just wanting to cry and i really have no clue why.
And the thing is: i tried, okay? I really did. I journaled, i meditated, read the books again, tried to built a routine, affirmations, really every tool in my toolkit but nothing is helping.
I'm going to therapy again tomorrow and normally she manages to help me but not with this. It's so... embarassing really having to tell her every 2 weeks that i'm still feeling like this.
It's really just starting to feel like it will never end and i'm really at the end of my rope here. Feeling these feelings didn't help, acknowledging them and going with my day didn't help, going on vacation didn't help, isolating in my room didn't help, being with friends all the time didn't help, you get the gist.
I'm also really starting to feel like a bad person. I know that it's a burden for my friends, since they can't help me or they have their own stuff going on. And i'm a real ass to people, constantly very snarky and sarcastic (even though i asked my friends and they don't really see it as bad as i do, if they noticed at all), while at the same time being very fragile and having to be handled with care (literally started 3 fights with my parents because of some throw away comments of theirs).
Thing is, i had something similar when i started the SEP last year, though it was more anxiety and less feeling very crappy and lashing out but that only lasted a month and i didn't do any consistent emotional work before this started.
I don't know, i just want to feel normal again or at the very least better. I feel like i'm losing control of my life, i can't even go about my normal day and i have so much stuff i have to do.
Any input would be greatly appreciated.

 

I'm sorry you have been feeling so emotionally fragile, I have certainly felt that way myself and to be in that state for an extended period would be extremely difficult.

Did your emotional state come on after a significant life event or stressor? Would you say you're feeling anxious/fearful (constant fight or flight) or are you feeling other primary emotions?

Is there a particular thought pattern that you're fixating on or feel is eating away at you?

It sounds like you've tried very hard to recover and have not seen progress...I have heard multiple times that TMS work is all about finding what healing method works best for you. Maybe others in the community will have insight into other methods you have not yet tried.

 

You are clinging to anger, stuck.
Dr. Hanscom has discussed this in his work because he had no idea how much anger and frustration he harbored before his TMS symptoms led him to discover how deep his anger ran.
The anger is from anxiety - and it is what makes you feel so fragile - he explains it here: