Day 8 Emotions Connected with Pain; Pain Connected with Emotions

Just a warning, I talk about some sexual violence in this post.

I've always had kind of had a hard time understanding and recognizing my emotions, because I've always seen my emotions as secondary to everyone else's convenience, if that makes sense.

For example, I feel like can't be irritated at my husband for not putting back the mirror after he works out (or request that he puts it back), because "he's stressed at work and working out makes him less stressed, so I can just it back and not say anything. It's not a big deal. I don't want to make him angry at me for something so small, so I'll just put it back and not say anything." Though when I ask he's always like "Sure babe." and just does it no problem.

Likewise, when I was a kid, I couldn't say anything about how I was feeling because I would be given "object lessons" where I was physically punished for saying anything negative. For example, I was forced to go with my cousins and my aunt to see Legally Blond and didn't really care for it (I must have been 12 or 13) and when asked if I liked the movie, I said that it wasn't really my thing (I was more of a Star Trek, Unforgiven, Donnie Darko, WWE girl) and so my aunt told my father who whipped me until I had bruises down my back and legs.

I've talked about my brother with disabilities on here before, and I'm sure my overwhelmed parents were taking out a lot of their own emotions on me, because you can't really punish someone in a wheelchair.

So, now my body gets really tense any time I feel like I have to give an opinion, especially if I didn't really care for whatever it was. My pain is definitely linked with fear, and I am afraid of disappointing people, afraid of being a burden, afraid of failing (sometimes when a pot fails - I'm a potter and these things happen - I feel my neck seize up).

I was also sexually assaulted pretty violently in my twenties by a stranger at a party (he held me down by my neck), so sometimes if I catch a whiff of a certain cologne or see a tall white guy with curly dark hair, I feel my neck and shoulders tighten like a cork in a bottle. I seems like no coincidence that my pain resides in my neck.

I've been through all kinds of counselling for the violence aspects and it did help quite a bit. I'm functional now, just working on recognizing emotions when they come up, because I think my pain in my neck and shoulders comes from FIGHTING normal emotions all the time instead of just letting them come and go. I'm trying to just let my body and brain know that I'm not in danger anymore, and I can feel emotions and express them and nothing will happen.

Anyway, thank you so much for reading. This forum and the support given so freely really help me to remember that there are good and gentle people in this world.

 

I relate to what you've said, very much @homorobothead and although the assault is not something within my memory, my therapist was pretty certain it happened, possibly as an infant or before I was 1 or 2 (when I begin to have memories). By the time I was 4, I was keenly aware of inappropriate adult behavior towards me, which is not something every discussed in my family - at 4, how on earth would I have known?
It has most certainly shaped my attitude towards men, and I have a very strong creep beeper, and also catch myself feeling like if eg. my husband isn't constantly concision of my wishes or preferences (like moving a mirror) then he isn't "hearing" me - although now I'm very aware of it, I can see it for what it is now. I still know I get angry. My therapist felt it seems to date back to my inability to be heard saying "no" to men.
Something to consider.
I'm sorry for your experience.
I can say that, with this work and (for me it was EMDR) the triggers begin to fade. You will be more consciously aware of them, but it will be easier to identify them and the emotions they either evoke or that you suspect they evoke in your subconscious. If I can't feel them consciously, I tend to use internal talk to acknowledge that I must be very angry, but I'm not longer a victim to the hostilities and injustices, and that my anger is absolutely valid. This tends to help regulate my nervous system pretty quickly.

 

Thanks again @JanAtheCPA! You are the TMS matriarch. Thank you so much for looking after all of us newbies.

This was a tough post and I love the Handmaid's Tale reference. I actually had a pretty decent spike in pain after writing it, but now I'm feeling much, much better.

I just asked him how he feels moving the mirror into place every time (our gym is in the carport and the mirror blocks the truck if he doesn't move it back - that's the only reason I ask him to put it back ) and he said, "I really don't care," and then kissed the dog on the lips. I pressed him and asked "Does it bother you at all?" His reply "Nope." followed by more dog kissing, then he got up and hugged me and went to make himself a snack.

Check that one off the worry list. Lol.

 

Hello @Cactusflower,

Thank you for your thoughtful reply. I'm so sorry that happened to you, but I admire you so much for being able to pinpoint and recognize your behaviors and others' behaviors. Your insight on your husband's concision to your wishes has really, really made me think about my own situation.

I will definitely look into EDMR. CPT seems to have helped somewhat, but I've heard really good things about EDMR for traumatic survival situations. Also, I hope you don't mind if I steal your internal self talk about being angry, but no longer being a victim to hostilities and injustices, and that my anger is valid. It's so good and true.

Thank you so much!