Exhausted. Exceptions. Spain on Saturday.

I am so tired, everyone. I had an exception this morning in bed -- my all-night, brutal headache just went away for an hour. This could encourage me, but instead it makes me think: because this is psychological, this isn't going to go away.
Nothing a doctor ever says to me is satisfactory.
One optician told me one week to adapt to my progressive bifocals. Another told me several weeks. Which? Do I need to DO SOMETHING?? Drivin is hard, computer is hard, work is hard, dry eyes are raging, blurriness rages at the end of the day, and I feel like I'm being cast back to the beginning.
This week I'm in a lot of pain. I leave for Spain for 11 days on Saturday. My friend said, "You must be getting so excited!" And I thought, BUT MY EYES STILL HURT LIKE HELL.
I know it makes sense for symptoms to rage this week before this big trip. But gosh, it just makes me doubt that it's psychological. And I am so exhausted of trying. Yesterday I went to church and sat before the Tabernacle (I'm Catholic) and screamed and raged at God. I told him, I'm not trying anymore. I don't know how to fix this. Mind-body techniques? Glasses adjustment? Back to the doctor for the headaches? New antidepressant? SEP? More therapy?
I. Am. Exhausted.

 

I think you and I are in similar boats now. I leave for Disney in 4 days and I'm panicking I'll be able to do it and this past week I've done more physical activity than I've done in 1.5 years and scared I overdid it as I'm have a lot of pain. But I realized that this is the time that I need to push myself because I'm so sick of the cycle of being terrified of vacations and all the walking I'll have to do.

I also was awake all last night with a headache!

But we will be able to do it. We will go not matter what. Even if my knee is totally busted I'm not cancelling the trip, nor will I go on a mobility scooter again.

And I disagree that because it is psychological, this isn't going away. Because it is psychological, it CAN GO AWAY. Way more likely to than some structural problem. But the work is so hard.

And anyway you can just go back to your old glasses and do the adjustment period after your trip?

 

I am so sorry you're experiencing this, too! (No -- my old glasses were as bad or worse -- I really do need the near correction along with the far.)

That's what I keep telling myself: I am going NO MATTER WHAT.

I get so afraid about the I can't's: what if I can never drive my children places, do fun things with them again, etc...

Trying to float through the morning but OOF.

 

You are going no matter what! I will be sending you good vibes as we take on our vacations together.

You will be able to do all those things I believe in you. It will take a lot of hard work and it may take a while but am sure that you will be able to.

I've done things in the past week or 2 that I haven't been able to do (or really too afraid to do) in so long. Sometimes the recovery is slow, and then it can also have a huge improvement in such a short period of time.

The Spain trip I believe will be a confidence builder for you. I am sure I am going to have pain at Disney, but I also will get through it and see that I survived.

It's not really though fear of the pain... it's the fear of what if I fail my family and can't keep up and do what they want to do (similar to what you say about your children).

 

Thank you so much. You're making me tear up.
You can do it, too. Life is the most powerful force out there. Going on a trip like this is living life and telling our lizard brains that this is the way it is gonna be -- we're going to live fully.

 

You’re younger, so you don’t know that many people who have tried progressives. But I know a lot of people and myself. Many people give up on progressives. I had two different optometrists tell me it takes two weeks. I tried the full two weeks and I just wasn’t able to use them. I switched to bifocals and it was love at first sight! ( ha!) Sometimes with all these fixes you just have to keep trying until you find the right thing. It takes a lot of people more than one try with antidepressants. It took me several tries. Be patient while you work it out.

SEP? More therapy? Probably yes to both of those. A few weeks ago you were talking about some of the experiences you had that were causing you emotional distress and I think you were onto something there. Then you stopped talking about these things— but they are all part of your TMS healing process. There’s more emotional work to do than physical work when it comes to healing from TMS. Like Sarno said: think psychological!

After you get the basics squared away, like your glasses and your antidepressants— I’d go full effort on the psychological side of healing. And you will try every which way to get out of it. Because it’s HARD!!!

 

Yes! I feel that I do so much of this already -- therapy and such. The daily work was overwhelming...but Iwill return to it when other things are less overwhelming.

 

Same here - I'm a bifocal gal!

 

I'm confident the progressives will work! I'm just getting very tired eyes...and dry...leading to blurriness at distance...but the clarity is otherwise good and I like the natural movement. I just need to chill out, I think...there's so much fear.
But yes, if I get back from Spain and they're still not adapted, I'll try something else! But for now, I've been through SO many prescriptions...I really need to stop if I can. The # has not been my fault -- big mistakes by docs -- but my eyes have been through the wringer. Add in the fear/TMS and, well...I need to STOP.

 

And so have you! ❤️

 

Running friend! I'm so excited for you. I've only been to Disney once as a college graduation gift and loved it.

 

My symptoms are absolutely through the roof this morning. Just through the roof. Trying to accept that it is a TMS and anxiey flare-up before my trip and not totally lose it. Trying not to take "structural" action. But wow!!!!

 

Do you have any anxiety medication? That’s what I had to do before my trip. For a couple days, I just had to take some anxiety medication.

What’s the structural action? Anything you do that will tell your brain you’re afraid that you don’t think it’s TMS, it’s going to be like pouring gasoline on fire, it’s going to make your symptoms worse. Just be all in; it’s TMS. This is what it does.

 

That's what I mean by structural action -- anything that treats it as structural instead of TMS. Gotta focus on thinking psychological!

 

Well sometimes you need a Band-Aid. And to be honest, there was no way I was going to get on that trip without the anxiety meds a few days ahead of time. Claire Weekes is big on anxiety meds to get out of the house.

On Audible, there’s a book by Claire Weekes. It’s called, Freedom From Nervous Suffering. Chapter 3 is about going on holiday. I listened to that over and over the days before I left. It helped a lot.

 

I'm all over that! Been listening for a while.
Yes, I haven't found that the one-off anxiety meds are really worth it for me but it's a good reminder to employ my anxiety techniques. I was able to float pretty well most of yesterday after the initial morning despair. I actually go very sleepy in the afternoon which is a great sign, because usually I am tired-but-wired. Today is even harder due to lack of sleep...working on floating, though...

 

Oh and I am (I was tempted to say "was" but I'm trying not to think that way) a runDisney person. I did a few half marathons and the full marathon there the year before sh*t him the fan with my dystonia and pain. I'm aiming at least to run at the resort while I'm there! runDisney races are THE BEST if you can manage to score a bib. The registration is a nightmare.

 

Me too! I get so anxious with all the things I need to do before the trip. I've had a hard shift in symptoms too today... Now I just do my best to say "How interesting!" and "Sorry I don't care, we're going to see Mickey Mouse no matter what!" It's hard but I hope I am laying the ground work to not make every future vacation this horrible build up of anxiety and symptoms in the future. I'll always have the packing anxiety that will never change! ;-) You can do it! It's the final stretch.

 

So can you! You're doing just the right things!

 

Okay, just...TMS is hilarious.
Blurrier vision every day, even though my progressives "clicked" yesterday and I'm nearly adapted now.
Increased sleepiness even while taking *less* sleeping medication.
Random foot pain that goes away if ignored.
Trying my best to think psychological instead of, "But what if I'm going blind and I am blind in Spain."
Which thought obviously has crept in.
I called the eye dr to ask about glaucoma. They were bewildered. "You were checked two months ago and glaucoma doesn't appear suddenly."
Can TMS really cause this level of blurriness?
Could also be the trazodone, which does cause blurriness...so I'm coming off of that.
But as some of you may remember, I also have moments, periods, hours, of perfect visual clarity...
More likely it's all because my trip is in two days.