Day 30 Exhaustion

Since spider writing is difficult to do on a computer and because writing on the forums seems to be a motivator for me I'm going to write a letter to my exhaustion today instead of spider-writing about it.

Dear exhaustion,
I find you utterly confusing and difficult to cope with. I spend many hours of each day trying with my thoughts moving so slowly because I am tired and out of breath. This is even if I'm laying down. The surprising thing is that I am able to exercise. I do get winded more easily than my friends and I need longer breaks but if this were a strictly physical problem then the level of exhaustion I feel while lying down should prevent exercise.

You have come to prominence while I've been some progress with my muscle tension. According to TMS theory that could just mean this is my mind switching attention yet my muscle tension is still quite bad- I'd think it would be enough for my unconscious.

I do have to say that I prefer you to the muscle tension. Dealing with tension involved a lot of me trying to figure it out which meant relentless self-observation and a lot of weird OCD cures. At least with you I'm mostly waiting it out and hoping it gets better. It's not that I don't spend any time observing if I'm still exhausted and having a weird breathing pattern but it's much more limited.

If you could go away I would much appreciate it. I don't have much energy for anger right now and I'm not sure you're my enemy. You're just a symptom that is forcing me to be present. Your message is received and you can depart.

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What are the most important relationships in your life? How has this program affected those relationships?

I don't think the SEP has affected my most important relationships which are with my parents, brother and a couple of friends. There is nothing about the past month and a half when I've been doing the program that seems different there.

My relationship with mother is non-existent. My relationship with my father and my brother is quite good. I suppose I did ask them for a loan during the past few weeks and previously I wouldn't have done that. They had refused help so many times when I needed them that it was important for me to never ask again. I asked my brother first and he made it really easy. I was more reluctant to ask my father but he wasn't difficult either.

I guess that's not the type of change that I was thinking about or hoping for but it's real. Actually the more that I think about it it was the type of change I was hoping for. One of the big things that I wanted from my family is for us to be better at helping each other in times of need. I think I have some shame and worry about asking for money and so that has prevented me from acknowledging this big step.