Eyes, forehead, insomnia, anxiety, depression...

Hi everyone!

I'm new to the forum. It's great! Thank you for all you have contributed here.

I'm at a transition point from where my pain/symptoms were partly due to outside factors to where those factors have been resolved but some symptoms & anxiety & depression remain even though my body is now healthy.

Mainly I had panic attacks related to being in a bad glasses prescription, which led to an even worse prescription due to an optometrist's ridiculous mistake. My eyes were under huge strain. Anxiety, depression, insomnia, all this went through the roof. I had a cervical spine misalignment that may also have been causing eye symptoms; that is now resolved through chiropractic care.

Three weeks ago I fired my optometrist and abandoned the bad glasses. A week later, I saw an opthamologist and got a clean bill of eye health, and saw an optometrist and got a new, correct contact lens prescription. After adapting for a week, I had the prescription checked and it is definitely correct. All is well with my eyes.

But some symptoms continue. In particular, forehead tension, eye strain/fatigue, some blurriness, some discomfort sometimes with distance, and just a general feeling of weirdness in my vision. (My therapist says that after 4 months of bad vision, I may have forgotten what my "normal" vision is like!)

How can I be sure they are TMS? I think they are -- I've had TMS before in my life, I'm certain -- but I know I have to really believe it and for that I have to know. My family physician says I am physically healthy. At my request, he started me ten days ago on Remeron but I can't stand the grogginess and dizziness. I am on the fence about continuing.

I have been practicing with anxiety a la Claire Weekes for months and have recently read books by Alan Gordon and Dr. Sarno. What I don't know is how to get myself to really believe I'm okay when my vision still feels fragile to me and I still have this facial pain/sensations. One of my problems is that I trusted the incompetent optometrist for far too long because I was trying not to "give into health anxiety." But I was right -- he was not trustworthy. So now I'm having trouble trusting anyone/anything regarding all this.

When I was doing well with the forehead/eyes the other day, I started to get ear pain, though...AHA! A new symptom to distract me!

So I do have a lot of evidence, but...MY BODY FEELS SO WRONG. I realized I've been tricked for a long time into thinking of my body as fragile. And it does feel that way, especially my vision. And the insomnia, anxiety, and depression are tough.

I think I'm just looking for some encouragement and information and validation. Thank you so much!

 

This is exactly what TMS feels like! And it’s mystifying and frustrating. You are on the right track, though. Especially with Claire Weekes. Remember what she says? Let time pass. You just need more time. Have you read any books by John Sarno? The MindBody Prescription is a good one. Sarno says to think about your emotions—not the physical. What’s going on in your life that your subconscious brain doesn’t want you to look at?

 

Thank you, Diana! Wow, you really picked up on what I'm going through. Claire Weekes talks about bewilderment -- it's like I can't get out of the bewilderment stage. (And I'm currently reading the Sarno book you mention!)

So when this all started I had just started having some big success in my career as a historian and writer (which I had basically left for ten years while having babies). I had a book manuscript accepted by a great publisher and I also got invited to help lead a pilgrimage on the Camino de Santiago. Both things feel really trasngressive because I was taught strongly as a child/teen through trauma that a mother should never leave her family, whether for work or for travel, but should subsume all her needs to theirs. (My own mother died suddenly when I was 13 and my dad expected me to replace her in caring for his emotional needs and later for his second batch of children when he remarried and then divorced.)

I have been saying NO (by pursuing my work and interests) to that false belief about mothers/women and it's like my brain is just SO SCARED that I am doing that that it is trying to keep me physically from doing these things. (For example, the eyes...think of how difficult that made reading and doing my book edits on my computer!!) After I said "yes" to the Camino trip, for example, I had foot pain for a week until an EMDR session cleared it...but EMDR uses the eyes (in how my therapist does it)...

My default is "freeze" rather than "fight" or "flight" so I think some of the issue with the eyes is also wanting to hide and not be seen.

 

This is something that happens all the time with TMS. It shows up in ways to block your life. I’m a writer, too. And one of my symptoms is my hands are all curled up and I can’t type, so I can only write long hand. Musicians lose their hands. It’s ironic. Your TMS brain wants to SCARE you as much as possible. And what can scare you more than losing your dreams and livelihood?

Usually, the thing your brain is trying to hide is not the obvious. It’s one degree off from obvious. Like—“I resent my kids that I have to feel so guilty.” (This is, of course, an outrageous unacceptable thought.) That’s the kind of thing you’ll have to ferret out as you journal and do the exploratory work.

I’m so sorry to hear about your struggles growing up. I have some similarities. My mother became very ill when I was 14. My Dad wanted me to replace her. He later left her to remarry. My mom died when I was 28, but she was bedridden and incoherent for 5 years before that. (There’s more that happened when I was younger than that.) Plenty of fodder for the kind of rage that can well up and overflow into TMS.

You are in the right place and you can get everything back. Have you read any of the success stories ? Also—there’s a free course on this website— the structured educational program , designed to take you through the healing process step by step. It helps a lot of people.

Glad you are here!

 

I'm so sorry about your troubles early in life, Diana.

I'm actually a little overwhelmed by all the programs -- the SEP, somatic pocessing through Alan Gordon's book or program, Dr. Schubiner's book (which I also have)! Not quite sure where to start. And then Dr. Weekes who says analysis is unhelpful for anxiety...but she does want you to feel and accept your emotions and says that this teaches the brain that they are safe. "Let them come!" she says.

I'm also in therapy -- a good therapist who understands about this stuff. My therapist said to take a half hour each day to write about my emotions. That is the LAST thing I want to do. Hmmmm...will I have the courage to do it? I am starting by just trying to think it and maybe say a few pieces aloud. I've done that for the past few days. My therapist says "Ask the pain what it is trying to tell you."

 

I hear you about the confusion of where to start. Exploring emotions is definitely part of the process. And if you can possibly get through the Sarno book, that’s also really big. I think your therapist is great and she will help you! Journaling is really hard to do and most people here shy away from it. What got me journaling is I just started writing about anything— not looking for hard things —not looking for painful things, just anything at all. Just let your mind wander; it kind of feels like a data dump. And after a while, it actually feels good because you get things off your mind. Then slowly now and then you will mention something you’re mad about or sad about. It’s been proven— I think by more than 3000 studies—that journaling is good for mental health. I’ve gotten kind of addicted to it because it clears my mind. Maybe you’ll get to that feeling. Other people here on the forum like to just make a list every night of what’s bothering them —not write about it just make a list.

I’m glad you’ve got Claire Weekes going and your therapist. Those are both really really good things!

 

@dlane2530

FYI-This is the kind of journaling I do. It’s called expressive writing.
https://www.thedocjourney.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/03/DOC-Expressive-Writing.pdf

 

Welcome! Not wanting to write is TMS trying to hinder you. It's hard to overcome, but you can do it. Same thing happened to me-I would find the best excuses to not write. And in my experience, you may not see or feel anything miraculous when you write. But eventually something with pop up and give you an "aha" moment. At first, I was writing and gauging my symptoms. Don't do that-that will keep you stuck. I now look at my writing time as spending time with myself like I would with a good friend.
Nicole Sachs has a really good quote I hold onto: "The pain is not in your head and the solution is not in your body."

 

Diana and Joulegirl, thank you! When do you do the writing during the day? I can think of a million reasons not to do it at any given time.

 

Me too! I'm not a morning person so that's out. And I work full time so not during the day. And I'm so tired at night so surely that is out too! In reality, you will have to find a time that works for. On the Cure for Chronic Pain podcast-Nicole Sachs says the best time for you is anytime you will actually take the time out to write. For me, it is in the evenings-not too late but usually after dinner. Now, that might get messed up if my kids have evening activities. And if that does-I pick a different time or allow myself to not stress about it and do it the next day. If I stress that I'm missing my journaling time, then that does me no good. So be on the look out in your daily routine to set aside and do this. It is really important and now that I have been mostly consistent (on day 26 of the SEP) I can see patterns emerging in my life that has caused pain or is causing pain. I probably have a long ways to go but having brief glimpses of no pain and seeing how things in my childhood have affected me in my adult years keeps me going!

 

@dlane2530
My kids are grown, so I have waaay more time than you, I imagine. I do mine right after lunch. But whatever you are able to do, I’d try to do the same time every day. It makes it so much easier to be disciplined. Maybe right before bed? I’ve done it a few times then, and it helps to dump out the day ‘s thoughts before sleep.

 

"In particular, forehead tension, eye strain/fatigue, some blurriness, some discomfort sometimes with distance, and just a general feeling of weirdness in my vision."

Yes, this was one of my earlier sets of symptoms and it developed into more disregulation: heartbeat irregularity, feeling weak and faint, seizures, complete lack of balance, nausea, bowl and bladder issues, temperature swings. I go to a PT and he sees this frequently at their clinic. They use the term dysautonomia and relate it to anxiety and nervous system disregulation (and now they are learning about TMS). The prisms coincided with symptom ease. They flared again slightly and the prisms were removed, and then the symptoms flared wildy (for me, just for a day...but I'd already been doing this TMS work for about 6 months by that point, and I recognized everything for what it was - not a threat). We actually laughed at how wildly creative the brain and body can be.
I no longer wear progressive lenses and use two pairs of glasses.
My sister had similar "strange" symptoms with her first pair of progressives (and we'd never discussed any of my symptoms or my difficulty getting correct lens prescriptions) and now also uses two different pairs of glasses. She had TMS migraines years ago (and has overcome them).
Sometimes you just never know what is TMS and what is not, and it's really not something to stress over because even "real" medical/physical things are connected to the mind/body. I think about the nervous system, and how our thoughts, feelings, emotions can all effect it far more than we realize.

Have you tried meditation as part of your TMS work?
I use it regularly, and when I first settle down, I do a head scan - focusing on the sensations of my breath and thinking about all the parts of my head and face, naming them in my mind (top of head, side of head etc). It's amazing how much tension I notice I hold in my eyes and sinuses. I relate it all to anxiety, and where we simply, personally hold our tension.
One of my symptoms was dry eye (which, frankly, I was diagnosed with but never actually "felt" the symptoms). Treatment includes a warm eye mask that has a little weight to it. I've always simply used this to relax and meditate with. It feels fantastic, like a little weighted blanket for the eyes and helps mine relax.

As for trust. You can't trust others when you can't trust yourself. That's one of the best outcomes of the TMS work - learning to trust yourself. You do this by engaging in the psychological work that Dr. Sarno sets out in his books (and it is better explained and evolved by Nichol Sachs who has a new book out). It took me awhile to realize that (I had several different optometrists, several different prescriptions within a few months when I first had vision symptoms) no optometrist could ever keep up with these crazy symptoms that were actual physical changes.

Your optometrist not only checked but re-checked your eyes, so you are all good to go. That's a great assurance.
Now you have to trust yourself to do the TMS work and see where it takes you. You are doing all you can with Claire, EMDR, Sarno, Gordon... and doing well!

EMDR helped me a lot. Because eyes were one of my symptoms, my therapist used hand "buzzers" and then we progressed to using both vision and buzzers. Both work equally as well. It's something to ask your therapist about.

 

Thanks so much, @Cactusflower . I no longer believe that I ever needed prisms. My first prism prescription and my beginning of vision therapy both coincided with coming off of antidepressants -- I now realize that I was experiencing the "brain zaps" of withdrawal, not poor vision.

Meditation does help when I do it. That is another thing I need to not avoid.

Thank you so much for the encouragement.