Falling into despair over journaling

Good morning, all! Hope you are all doing well on your healing paths.

I just want to vent this out- I am journaling a second time after I was feeling great, but symptoms came up again, so I decided to journal more.

I am feeling awful. The weight of the feelings I'm uncovering is weighing me down. I feel depressed. Despair. My pain not only is moving but has increased. I know this is par for the course. But instead of seeing it as hopeful, I feel quite the opposite. I feel hopeless like I will never be free. This time around journaling is so much different. Last time, I cried for a month straight. I was very emotional. This time, I am down. I am questioning ALL my life choices! I am reflecting heavily. And, surprisingly(or maybe not?) I WANT to cry but am finding it difficult to actually do so. The tears start to come up then they dissolve quickly.

Feels like my nervous system and my body are in total overdrive. I am not sleeping great, waking up in the night tense, fists clenched. This is a tough spot. tougher than last time. One of the hardest parts- there are things I see in my life now that I'd like to change, but cannot at this time. I feel like the true healing will come if I pack up, move, start over. But- I don't think changing anything about my external life will heal the inside. This is part of TMS recovery- life will continue to be messy, stressful, upsetting at times- I need to be at peace with that fact. I am still safe, even if I'm not thrilled with my current circumstances.

I don't have a goal with this post other than to just vent. It's really tough right now. I was feeling amazing and now I am feeling pain, despair, depressed. I also am feeling a bit free, I am getting down very, very deep into feelings I never knew I had.

I have been in and out of therapy for 20 years, have journaled much of my life about all the negative things that hurt me, but I don't think I ever got to the depths of shame, embarrassment, feelings of unworthiness. This is tough. My body almost feels like it can't continue with the journaling.

Thank you, for listening, and any words of advise or encouragement. I welcome any thoughts!

 

Just to add to this quick- I am having a TON, TON of self-hatred, anger towards myself coming up during journaling. These are definitely feelings I have not dealt with. I have dealt with guilt but the level of anger at myself and self-hatred is more than I realized and WHAT a tough feeling this is.

 

Self-hatred: often a way to cover up anger towards others that we feel we can’t express. Reflect back on Sarno’s personality traits and see if that helps you dig deeper. An ISDPT therapist told me to always look toward the family member you think you have the least negativity towards, eg. You found out how one parent has triggered you, but the other has seemed the “better” parent to you (or spouse or child etc). Explore those relationships.
Send yourself an unsent letter, but send it to yourself when you were 4 or 5 years old. What would you say to that sweet child about shame and blame?

Meditation.. have you tried it? Meta meditations toward self and others were huge game changers for me. I also did longer visualization (TMS specialist Dani Fagan has two good ones free on YouTube) meditations toward self get rest without sleeping. It helps your mind separate from these new stressors.

Keep reminding yourself of the good work you are doing, and that sometimes this stuff is like peeling layers from an onion. Although it sucks right now, it will get better and you have proven this to yourself in past experience.

Force yourself to do things you used to enjoy. Remind your brain all emotions are safe to feel simultaneously.

@Diana-M recently posted an exercise she was trying: saying I Love You to yourself while looking in a mirror, over and over again. For yourself I suggest doing it while just sitting or laying down at first, no mirror. Then try it with your hand on your heart - maybe then write it on paper over and over as you visualize yourself as that 4 years old old, then after a time (days, weeks, months) try the mirror. Doing it with EFT is another comforting way to practice it (Tapping with Brad on YouTube and search for self-love).
Lastly, my question: have you tried EMDR? It can work quite well and fairly quickly. It has a cumulative effect so it continues to work for months and even years after your sessions end. It might be a good companion to things you try yourself, if you still feel stuck.

I want to tell you I was there, right where you are for a very long time. It’s uncomfortable and hard. Try to find your comfort in knowing it is temporary and don’t fight the sensations of it. Claire Weekes books helped so much with the increased anxiety it brings. I think you are very brave and courageous to keep doing this work for so long. Hugs.

 

Thank you so much for this reply! This is good advise and I've written down your suggestions.

I have done a GOOD amount of EMDR and it did help me to process certain traumatic memories. But that is where the frustration comes in- I have processed so much through EMDR, how can I still have stuff? I wonder if I need to stop the digging, and just start to live. Part of the TMS brain, for me at least, is to think think think think, uncover uncover uncover, figure it out figure it out figure it out. It's almost as if my brain is searching for more things to "fix"to KEEP me in the cycle of fear, pain. Does that make any sense? At some point, I need to just start to live as if I am healthy and not broken, all while staying out of the fear based mindset. Or, maybe the journaling really is uncovering layer upon layer!

 

Hi, @cap23

Here’s my recent post about a way to help improve self love:

https://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/try-this.29183/ (Try this!)

“staying out of the fear based mindset”
I have had so many of the feelings you’re describing! And maybe because of it, I can see something in you that I’ve been seeing in myself and that is the absolute driven desire to fix — as soon as possible. This desire will make you go through anything even if it’s killing you. Be careful! Pace yourself. Be kind to yourself. What would you say to a teenager who came to you with these feelings, would you say slow down a little? You’re doing some really hard work and it is going to pay off. But don’t kill yourself in the meantime. ❤️ Most of what you’re describing many people on this forum have been through so I think you are on the right track. It gets worse before it gets better. Give yourself a hug!

 

I'm a big believer in deep-dive, expressive writing, like Nichole Sachs' JournalSpeak and similar. But I have also learned that journaling isn't right for everyone - all the time.

It's awesome that you're feeling a bit free-er and learning more about the depth of your emotions. But if you continue to feel depressed and bad about yourself, maybe it's time to give yourself a break from that kind of journaling. Maybe it's a good time to focus on things like gratitude and self-compassion, instead. Also note, Nichole Sachs recommends a self-compassion meditation after every JournalSpeak session.

As I said, I'm a BIG believer in journaling/expressive writing. But journaling is just one technique out of many for recovering from TMS/mind-body disorders. Here are some differing views from people who do it professionally:

Alan Gordon
https://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/when-journaling-is-counterproductive.8258/ (Alan G. - When journaling is counterproductive)

Steve Ozanich
https://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/expressive-writing-question.15060/#post-79621 (Expressive writing question)

My Take On Journaling to end TMS and Chronic Pain - Dan Buglio - Pain Free You

 

I have tried Nichole’s journaling and it is way too much for me. It increases my anxiety a lot. I really love these three takes you included on journaling, @Cap'n Spanky Thank you! Especially this quote from Steve O.

“I freed myself from structured healing and began living more mindfully in the present and I immediately healed. I let it all go and became happy as a free person; free from trying.”

 

This resonated with me- I quickly read Alan's view and YES, right now it does feel a bit like I am journaling to decrease the pain. And I become frustrated after journaling and diving deep and the pain is still there. I am putting a LOT of focus on my pain and condition in general. Yes, I do think I have some stuff to dig through still, but I am putting a big emphasis on it and I think it's a bit counter productive. Thank you

 

Yes! The desire to fix ALONE will cause pain, right? Because it is still a stressful state for the nervous system to be in. If we keep thinking "must fix must fix must fix", it is sending signals to the nervous system that there is danger danger danger. While I DO think I have a bit left to uncover still, I think I am putting a lot of emphasis on journaling when really, the emphasis might need to be on not paying attention to symptoms. EVERY morning I have been waking up, frustrated with the pain because "i have been uncovering so much! Why still the pain????". I, as usual, am looking for one magic journal entry to be the "ah-ha!" entry that will take the pain away immediately. But I know for me, it is in the every day moments of not giving the symptoms much thought.
I will say though, I developed lower back pain that has significantly decreased since journaling. SO, I think for me it's both. I have to find a balance. Journal, see what comes up, don't harp on it and for the rest of the day, ignore the symptoms. I think sometimes the fix comes in TRUE, LETTING GO, ONCE AND FOR ALL

 

I can relate to how you describe your experiences atm, as I am sure so many of us can. It's really tough indeed.

I hear honesty, bravery and wisdom in your words @cap23
Hitting bedrock-that's what I call meeting these feelings of unworthiness, self hatred and shame that aren't just fleeting but way down and seemingly unshakeable. Where only the brave tread! It's no fun at all; downright terrifying and awful mostly. And sometimes we're down here quite a while. But it's the ground from which we are discovering the truth of our being. It's these deepest hooks we grapple with down here, being shaken to our core, and it can take a while. Learning to be especially kind and gentle with ourselves is key for sure. Unlimited friendliness!

Makes total sense to me! The obsessing and ruminating(think think think think, uncover uncover uncover, figure it out figure it out figure it out) and trying to fix is what holds us down in the muck, long after all the nourishing seeds have been harvested. It takes mindfulness catching that train again and again, hey?!

Sounds like your wisdom is telling you it's time to look outward? I think that's what anxiety and panic attacks are telling me atm. Easier said than done of course; sometimes the pain, the familiar, is more comfortable than the fresh air of clarity and ease. Especially when we've been through the wringer and our brains have become overwhelmed and nerves sensitized. It takes time to slowly come to the surface...not to get the bends
@Cactusflower mentioned meditation(any Pema Chodron-Getting Unstuck audio is great) and Claire Weekes. I second that! There are some great audios on youtube.

Maybe some journaling your way out of the fear, up to the surface rather than downward?!

 

I was here! I have had years of really hard therapy, and focusing so much, especially since I found Sarno, on finding that one hidden piece of info that will unlock my cage of misery. I dug so deep over the past 3 years in therapy that I think I even retraumatized myself. So I backed off of it and dropped it for now.

I tried angry journaling—Nichole Sachs style—over and over—like it’s my job. Nothing. No relief. And that just made me more angry!

Dr. Claire Weekes ‘ Hope and Help for Your Nerves really laid the groundwork for me to see how incredibly anxious I’ve been all my life—and it finally exploded into the TMS symptoms I have now. Now, I read some part of one of her books EVERY single day. It keeps me on track. It beats back my fear. It gives me hope and a plan.

Then Lately, compatible with Dr. Weekes’ work, I’ve been doing Dr. David Hanscom’s DOC (Direct Your Own Care) healing method, via his app, The DOC app. His premise is you need to stop creating so much adrenaline—by learning to have joy in life again and by forgiving and learning to think differently. All three of these elements have been HUGE for me.

The app takes you gently through the process of learning all this. And it even won’t let you go too fast! I’m noticing subtle changes in myself. But it does take time to switch off the adrenaline and to build new neural pathways in your brain.

Dr. Hanscom has me journaling briefly 1-2 times a day—but only stream of consciousness. No deep digging for the buried “treasure.” Just unloading whatever’s on my mind, good or bad. I find this refreshing—and not a burden.

 

Thank you! Sometimes it is so difficult to listen to the body. I keep getting mixed signals! I think it's important to hit bedrock. But maybe it's just as important to know when to stop. Focusing TOO much just puts more emphasis on symptoms, at least I think it is for me

 

Yes! This is me! I realized, there is not one specific event that I need to uncover and angry journal about. I have done it all. It is YEARS of being in a state of hyper vigilance, fight or flight, sometimes shutdown, constantly looking over my shoulder, waiting for the other shoe to drop, worrying, panic attacks- THIS has caused my autoimmune disease. And it will lose it's strength when I teach my body that I am in fact okay. I have been in a state of fear for 30+ years. Not all day every day but it has been my default. sounds like you can relate.

I am going to try journaling to just get stuff out. and not necessarily to dig deep. but i do like journaling to release those emotions. And I have uncovered important stuff. But the key, for ME, is to live each day in a state of "I am, in fact, safe". And to be honest, I am journaling like hell because journaling and uncovering some potential "ah-ha" moment is easier than changing my neural pathways. I am scared to not be scared.

Thank you, I will check out the app. I read Dr Weekes book a few years ago but need to listen to it now with new ears

 

There’s a quotable line! Really honest. Yes! I relate to your story completely!

 

I m sorry you know the feeling because it is pretty unpleasant. My body actually thinks worrying keeps me physically safe from danger and death. It is wild, but my body has learned that. Worrying, being vigilant, is keeping me alive. So says my body. I have never not been scared.

What is interesting- and I wonder if you maybe feel this way- is I have always been scared. Yet I have directly avoided fear. What a crazy concept right? Well, my whole life I have never been able to tolerate the feeling of fear. So I'd have a fearful thought, I'd feel it rise up in my body, and I'd do whatever I had to to get that feeling to go away. But because I couldn't tolerate fear, it kept me trying to stay one step ahead of the fear, by worrying, and always keeping an eye out for threats. I had to look out for fear, because I was afraid to feel afraid because I couldn't tolerate it. YET, I am afraid t not be afraid.

My body thinks if I don't worry and stay on top of things I will be in immediate ultimate danger. Crazy! The scariest thing in the world is letting go, but that is where the true freedom lies.

 

"I have done a GOOD amount of EMDR and it did help me to process certain traumatic memories. But that is where the frustration comes in- I have processed so much through EMDR, how can I still have stuff?"

My therapist said it's like the peeling of an onion. Your brain is ready to get to certain levels of awareness and can do the work...then you feel much better, take a break from therapy for awhile (because EMDR keeps working during those break times) and if you need to, you go back. It's not a method that should or needs to be used for very long long lengths of time consecutively.
One of my best friends is training in it now (she is a psychotherapist in France) and her husband did EMDR for 6 years to resolve his pretty extensive traumas and his chronic symptoms (before we even knew what TMS is) - but he would do 6 months or a year and take a break for a few months before going back again. It didn't resolve all his trauma, but it made his life easier to enjoy, engage and stop suffering within it all, which is it's goal.
And yes, at some point, with the help of your therapist you should be able to begin to recognize when you tend to wallow in the old traumas, and when they are merely triggers for some symptoms. When they become less of something you obsess over, you can treat them more easily with the TMS approach. Triggers can and usually do soften and lessen with TMS work.

Nichole Sach's journaling isn't all about anger. That isn't her method at all. It's about ALL emotions that come up. If you listen to just one or two of her podcasts, it will help you gain more insight. She suggests anger (and it's not the anger you are aware of, it's anger that comes out of areas you don't have any idea at all that enrage you...so you must just begin journaling to occasionally allow this goo to slip out of your subconscious). I think if people are far to guarded, and use conscious anger as a distraction to other feelings (this is something Dr. Handscom has talked about in the past) then perhaps, right now journaling isn't the best tactic. Nichole suggests you look at ALL your emotions, alone, in combination - the joy and the sorrow, anger and contentment (OK, states of mind too kind of fit in here) and that you can and most likely do have opposing and conflicting emotions and core beliefs. It's exactly what she discovered when she first wrote she hated her children - it was an emotion, but wasn't true and not her core belief.

People above have mentioned it, but again, using the journaling or any method suggested to help TMS symptoms to "FIX" is counterproductive. Fixing and Focus are two of Dr. Schubiner's Five F's - and I'll say that especially at the beginning of learning this work, that's hard because you are also still at the self-education point so you do place some importance on learning the methods. "At some point, I need to just start to live as if I am healthy and not broken, all while staying out of the fear based mindset." - 100% but that doesn't mean you have to give up any of the other methods you have learned. Journal when you need to, or journal less - say try two or three times a week. Recognize the resistance and how f*ing hard it is to do. Experiment what what is going on and find what works for you. There are no hard and fast rules to the work. I stopped journaling after about a year or so but I slowed it down. My therapist felt it wasn't working for me anymore because I didn't need it at the time. I keep my pen and paper ready if I need it.

If you haven't done any work to get your nervous system in better regulation, maybe that's a great place to begin learning some of those techniques and see what you like, and what works for you.

You can drop things, come back to things, but most of all you need to train yourself to do the work while you are living life.

 

This is all fantastic, thank you for all of this! I realized I have been journaling to fix, so I need to work on that. I have been doing nervous system work as well. I appreciate all the insight. This forum is incredibly helpful

 

I found that journaling has immediate positive effects on my mood and recovery. However, doing it all the time or to too great an extent I began to resist its insights because they made me "bummed out" to lapse into the vernacular. My take on any therapeutic modality then is use it if it works for you but it you're encountering too many depressive side effects pull back for a while and return to when you're feeling better about yourself and think you can utilize the insights you're acquiring effectively.

 

Yes, 1,000 times yes. That’s why Claire Weekes hit me so hard. I realized I’ve been at the hyper-sensitized level of nerves my whole life—-and it explains SO much. (Maybe I’m not a freak after all—just “normal” for someone with extreme anxiety.) Using soothing head talk, meditation and deep breathing helps a lot. And also learning to correct my distorted thinking is turning out to be huge. I’m learning that in a book called Feeling Good, by David Burns. (This book is recommended by David Hanscom.) It’s a great book. The techniques offered for correcting your stressful thinking are blowing my mind. I’m really surprised to discover how much suffering I’ve been having from my thinking (which is ALWAYS on the lookout for danger, like you said.)

Over time it’s becoming clear to me that TMS is healed by attacking it from many angles.

 

Hmmm. I have listened to her podcasts and read her first book (bought her second book). I guess I still don’t understand her methods. I’ll have to explore it some more (but for now, I’m doing Hanscom.) Thsnks for the info!