Day 27 Fear of failure at college

When I was 18 years old I nearly failed some important courses. I felt scared about it. At my small southern high school I was in the top section of my class but I didn't realize how unprepared that would leave me for the math and science classes at the prestigious university I went to.

Since I had passed AP mathematics I started Freshman year with Differential Calculus. We had a very slim book and I remember that I was lost on the first page of it. I read, or looked over, that first page many times just feeling stupid. That feeling of helplessness persisted the entire semester. I ended up with a D- (c-) and felt that the professor was being charitable.

I was equally lost in my computer programming courses where I would spend all night looking at a piece of software that didn't work and having no clue how to change it so it would work. I wouldn't have minded difficult courses- it's that these courses were above my head and I had no way of pulling them down.

So I felt scared and helpless. Now I realized that this feeling was increased by a number of factors including- not feeling supported by my parents, neglecting my social life, not playing sports, and eating poorly. I just didn't feel like I deserved better food or to have a social life when I was letting something as important as my academic future plunge off a cliff.

The software courses were actually much worse than the math course. The math course I actually couldn't do much about so it didn't take as much of my time. There were so many evening that I spent in that computer lab just waiting for some other student to have some charity for me and help me out.

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How is journaling working for you? What techniques do you find most effective? Do you think you are avoiding any specific technique or issue?
I just don't know. I feel like I'm making progress but it's not a direct relationship. When I journal I don't feel more emotional or less symptomatic but I think I've seen progress this past month. Quit asking me this question SEP- you're too needy.