Day 31 Feeling down

Still focusing on anxiety and fear. I read Hope and help for your nerves by Claire Weekes. It's a great book, but I think I need to read it again more slowly in order to fully understand the instructions.

There is a direct link between my anxiety and pain. If a take a sedative in the afternoon or in the evening, I feel way less pain the next morning/day.

So I am a little confused which to address first, anxiety of pain, or both? And how to combine the two?

Today I tried just accepting all the strange bodily sensations my anxiety is producing and telling myself this is nothing to worry about. I was doing pretty ok for the first half od the day, but when I returned home, there were more and more symptoms appearing, untill finally I was not able to function anymore. I was not conciously afraid, but I still became extremely tense. That was in the middle of making lunch, so I couldn't just leave everything.
I am aware this will take time and I am not discouraged, I am just not sure I am doing it right.

I am also attending a two week light excercise program. My goal is to lose fear of movement. It's working but it makes me very very tired and in a lot more pain than usual.

I think I may be putting to much pressure on myself. It's my vacation and instead of going somewhere nice to enjoy and relax from work I am doing this excercise program I described above. It is obligatory, the doctor prescribed it, so if I don't show up it could complicate my insurance. But my days are "ruined" because I am so tired I lie in bed for the rest of the day, just reading about anxiety, MBS, doing the SEP...

I also don't dare to spend any money on vacation, because I only work part time and my contract expires by the end of the year, so I am anxious about my future.

On top of everything, I can't really figure out what to do for my enjoyment. The things I used to like, are meaningless now. The things I would like to to - like dancing, hiking, sports in general... are temporarily impossible because of the pain.

My therapist is also on vacation so I can't really talk to anyone. I ditched all my fake friends in the past couple of years. I am a people pleaser, always ready to help, always available to listen and advise... So people only call me when they need someone to listen/talk about their problems, they never invite me just to hang out and have fun. I am not at all sorry I did this, but it means I must accept being alone for a while, until I meet new people that will deserve my time and attention. I do accept, but it's quite hard.

 

Hi Ivanka. Good for you for all you're doing to become well.
Sometimes it is overwhelming. And there is no one way to do it "right."
If anxiety is your primary issue right now, perhaps your suggestion of slowly re-reading C. Weeks' book is a good route to pursue. As you address your anxiety issues, the pain may very well lessen.
I can relate to using your vacation to become better. I'm a middle school teacher, and we have a shortened summer this year. I've spent mine trying to rehab a knee, and also talking to my subconscious so it doesn't prolong the injury.
It's hard not to be able to do what you want during your vacation, but sometimes that's what wellness demands.
Blessings to you.

 

Thanks for your support Gigi!