Feeling lost and disconnected, symptoms multiplicating

Hi, this is my first post on the forum. Please read, I can't go on like this.

I'm only 18, almost 19, and I've had TMS for as long as I can remember; although I'm pretty sure I was around 8 or 9 years old when the symptoms started (but to be fair I don't recall much from before then. Still, I know that I haven't always lived in pain.)

The primary TMS symptom I've had all those years is pelvic pain; I've had all kinds of pain down there, sometimes so unbearable I couldn't even move. A few years ago I was told I had pudendal neuralgia - which I now know is false - and got surgery in November 2019. For a month or so, my nerves were numbed from the surgery, which made me believe I was cured. But shortly after, the pain returned, albeit in a different way than before: now the intensity of the pain didn't cross 6 or 7/10, but I was in constant discomfort, so the quality of my life was left more or less unimproved. At that time, I barely had any friends at all and was homeschooled because of the surgery among other things. All in all, I was in a terrible place mentally and felt extremely alone and like I would be in pain for the rest of my life.

Everything changed in May 2021 when I found out about Sarno and TMS. For the first time, I felt hope and could see a light at the end of the tunnel. Pretty much all of the TMS characteristics fit me and so I knew on a conscious level that that was it: I had TMS. The pelvic pain, the headaches, the eczema... were entirely caused by my brain, through repressed emotions and years of conditioning.

Unfortunately, things haven't been going as smoothly as I hoped in my recovery, and I'm now feeling extremely lost and unsure if I'm on the right track. I've read The mindbody prescription by Sarno, The great pain deception by Ozanich and listened to the audiobook of Healing back pain by Sarno as well.
I've consulted so many sites, read so much about TMS, tried meditation (and more or less failed), and I've been journaling for a few months, though I'm not sure I'm doing it right. Sometimes I'll get these bursts of anger that reveal all of the rage that's been building up inside of me for years.

But the issue is that, overall, I've stopped feeling anything. I used to cry very easily, and it at least offered some kind of relief; however, I hardly ever cry anymore, and, the few times I do, I only manage to shed a few tears that I basically have to force out of me, which is extremely frustrating. I struggle to feel any of the emotions that I know are stuck inside of me, begging to be expressed; and that's why the symptoms won't go away, despite my subconscious having more or less integrated, over the past few months. that I have TMS.

Everything has been piling up, my life has changed completely since I started college in September and met my current boyfriend in November, with whom I have a very complicated relationship. I barely talk to anyone in my family anymore, and deep inside I'm really worried about my future and my studies. I really want to see a therapist or psychiatrist but can never manage to find one I connect with well, and, living in France, no one has ever heard of TMS and it's the loneliest feeling ever. I don't even try to tell anyone about it anymore; I tried with my boyfriend, and, though he seemed interested in it in the moment, he never mentioned it ever again afterwards and didn't realize the importance of TMS in my life and its consequences on it and my mental health. So now I never bring it up and, since it's not recommended to talk about the pain, I never say when I'm suffering, even when we have intercourse, which, since my main symptom is pelvic pain, is obviously a problem. I can barely enjoy sex and now, on top of the rest, I have vagina numbness which I'm pretty sure is TMS too. All my life I've been ashamed of my sexuality and everything around sex and traumas upon traumas, combined with the pain, have left me devoid of any sex drive whatsoever. I can't even relate to anyone around me and I feel disconnected from everybody.

I feel so alone, and, though I don't actually want to die, I also don't want to keep living like this, and I especially don't want to continue going through this completely on my own. What should I do? How can I get in touch with my feelings and emotions? And how can I stop thinking about TMS all the time when I've had those symptoms for so long? I don't even remember ever living normally with no pain in my day to day life, and that's terrifying. I'm scared I'm too far gone and a lost cause.

Please help.

 

Sweetheart, I truly understand. I pray someone here will help you more than I can at the moment but for now please have a look at Ezer’s story and also other success stories from The Success Story Forum.

https://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/pelvic-pain-healed.8680/ (Pelvic Pain - Healed)

There is much wisdom and comfort there.

sending you much love,

plum x

 

TMS therapists are working on the internet now, the few I have contacted only see people via Zoom and not in person. You can get the support you need.
Another option can be other therapies. My friend in Paris used an EMDR therapist to recover from years of ulcers (tms caused), ISTPD therapists also deal with pain symptoms.
P.S. you are doing great journalling! Keep doing it! Most days will be nothing much, some days will be big. The nothing much days will eventually add up to insights as you begin to recognize patterns of behavior and thoughts.

 

Thank you so much. I think I already read it a while ago but I'm gonna read it again and try to really take it in

 

Thank you, I'll look into it

 

My issue is pelvic, too. One thing I recommend is backing off whatever part of sex hurts for you. Your boyfriend will either understand or be a jerk. If the latter, you don’t need him in your life, you’re under enough pressure without him. Of course as someone a lot older and married I can say this. My husband is more concerned with my ability to sit comfortably and travel, rather than sex.

My pain level is similar. The only people who even know about it is my husband, best friend, and psychiatrist. You mentioned the importance of TMS in your life. It needs to be less important, IMO.

What helps me most is guided meditation and concentrating on how my nervous system acts, not my symptoms. With meditation I mainly do ones for anxiety and somatic tracking. I use the free version of the Insight Timer app. The Pain PT and Pain Free You on YouTube also help. Also the TMS Roundtable talks. They’re live on FaceBook Monday’s at 3:00, here in eastern time USA. They’re posted on YT afterwards.

I have not yet found real relief but I know I will. If I look back to when I was a child decades ago, I had TMS but didn’t know it. But I don’t feel it’s too late for me and it definitely is not too late for you!

 

Lina, please remember that dozens of people on this forum have recovered from years of suffering and pain. Read the Success Stories subforum https://www.tmswiki.org/forum/forums/success-stories-subforum.27/ (Success Stories Subforum) and www.thankyouDrSarno.org every day. Reading about other people who found their way out of pain was my best medicine when I was at the worst of my despair. There are many very good people on this forum who will support you in your journey. Good luck, and believe in yourself!

 

Thank you so much. I know I have to tell him but I'm scared he'll leave me for that, even if as you said it'd be best if he did if that's how he reacts.
Thank you for the resources, I'll check them out!
Best of luck to you, I appreciate the support

 

You're right, I don't think I read success stories often enough.
Thank you!

 

In life, losing something often means gaining much more! You are too young to cling to something that may not be right for you. Be brave, it usually pays in the long run, even if it seems like it hurts in the short run!

 

I’m 100% certain that every mature woman on this site would tell you of a relationship regret from their younger days. It’s easy to give too much to others while not caring enough for ourselves. To learn this at your tender age is a gift beyond compare. Only you can know and judge what is right for you, and it’s imperative that you know we have your back whatever you choose and whatever happens.

I couldn’t agree more

 

Hi Lina, I feel compelled to answer as I'm French and have pelvic pain too (vulvodynia in my case). Lorraine Faehndrich is a TMS-coach who struggled with pelvic pain for 10 years and specializes in women pain. You may not be able to afford her program but she has a website and some articles could help you : https://radiantlifedesign.com/ (Lorraine Faehndrich I Radiant Life Design).

Don't know where you live in France but a few years ago I saw a psychotherapist who was open to the idea of TMS and really sweet. I think she does online consultations too. If you're interested I'll PM you her name.

Hang in there. You're still very young and you're lucky to have found out about TMS so soon. I spent 10 years throwing money away in vain on all kind of pseudo cures because I was persuaded that my issues were physical and I was depressed. Now I'm not 100% healed but I'm way better and life is wonderful again. You can do this.

 

Thank you all so much, it means a lot.

@Ludmilla Thanks for the link, I'll check it out!
I live in Angers but my parents live in Orléans. That's great, I'd in fact be interested, would you mind PMing me her name? : )

 

I've PMed it to you .