Day 11 First break up

When was the last time you exercised? Do you have any apprehension about exercising or engaging in physical activity?
I went jogging recently and while I did not have much apprehension I spent much of the time paying attention to my body and hoping that I was working out my asymmetries by jogging. I'm convinced that my right side is tighter than my left.

When I was 22 years old my first love broke up with me and I feel abandoned and upset by it. We were together for a year and a half and the first year of it was the best year of my life. In the last six months I was in a car accident and my TMS developed.
I remember that when we started dating I felt as if life had slowed down for the first time. That finally I could relax because I no longer was desperately searching for something. Some part of me wonders if I couldn't handle being relaxed and that's why I developed TMS but I think it's that I had other stressors- particular around employment.

Anyway, I really loved her. Her name was Kathryn and she was beautiful, creative, independent, caring, and adventurous. We worked on some creative projects together, took trips, and I went to see her concerts. ​

Then after the accident my world collapsed. My life got steadily worse and I had no idea what to do. I would go to work and be in pain then come home and stretch all evening. My parents refused to help. I felt like I couldn't concentrate at work and was going to lose my job. There was simply nothing working and I was drowning. I wanted Kathryn to help me through it because I simply didn't have the answers. Then I started to lose patience with her when she didn't want to help. Eventually I broke up with her even though I didn't want to. She told me that I'd wasted a year and half of her life.​

That really stuck with me and seemed so unfair and sad. I felt that sentence was her summation of her time with me even though she probably only said it when she was upset. I'm sure that I've said things that have stuck with people.​

After we broke up she disappeared and wouldn't talk to me. I started to go a little crazy. I remember that I went to where she worked and tried to leave a note on her car. I guess that doesn't sound bad but I just felt terrible and I felt that way for a long time. I would have dreams where we would get back together and then wake up and feel more alone. ​

I guess that I'd forgotten about how bad it was. I've been really cut off for a while and wouldn't do that now. If it happened today I'd just be patient and then eventually get back on a dating site. I know that I won't be permanently alone but it's also sad that I expect things not to work out now.​

 

Thank you for sharing, Endless luke. It takes bravery to get back in touch with negative times in our lives... especially when you "forgotten about how bad it was." However, it is such an important step to uncover any repressed emotions and allow yourself to connect with those feelings. I wish you all the best as you continue on this journey.