Day 1 First-Day Ramblings...

Day 1 and I have already bawled like a little baby. I watched the 20/20 video and read through the Day 1 success story, and then clicked on the 'personalities' link. You know, the link that takes you to the page that describes all of our TMS-inducing personality traits for everyone to see?

As I read through the traits, I felt so defensive but also so seen. Just like the day-1-victory-guy wrote in his story, I saw myself on each and every one of those personality trait pages. I was horrified. But also somewhat relieved. Like maybe I wasn't so shameful for wanting to be taken care of, or not wanting to make commitments, or the myriad of other things listed on that page. I've had years of therapy, and am active in a meditation group. I know I should be gentle on myself and emotions are indicators of needs and all that jazz. But something about the way the TMS personality traits were described on the website allowed me to accept some of my "flaws" in a deeper, more emotional way.

I think I cried for the next 40 minutes, thinking about something 'silly' from 20 years ago that I used to think I had no right to be upset about. I couldn't believe how much one "little" thing from 20 years ago actually hurt.

Then, while full-on ugly crying, my neck popped! In a good way - like when a chiropractor adjusts your neck, except my body just did it on its own!! It was crazy! I can't stop moving my neck around right now... the range of motion it has at the moment, I usually only get after physical therapy or a massage.

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Well I've gone off the rails away from the prompt. I'm just so in awe with what happened to my neck just now!

Anyway, where am I in my treatment?

• Ha! I've seen so many physical therapists, acupuncturists, massage therapists, yoga teachers, and dentists in the past 7 or so years. I tried dry-needling for a while.
  
• My body is super-balanced though! My left arch, left knee, right hip, & right shoulder are in some amount of pain every day. My low back will also pinch up every so often, just for fun.
  
• I've been clenching my teeth at night for well over 20 years, and no one seems to be able to help me stop. Sometimes I don't sleep at all, because I want to give my jaw a break . I can chew though a night guard about every 6 months. Migraines if I eat crunchy food. The TMJ disorder is biggest main concern and this is why I'm on this forum.
  
• I can get symptom relief for a few hours to a few days for everything from one of the above people, except for the actual jaw grinding & clenching. I consider myself lucky that I can get symptom relief.

What are my worries?

1. I just gushed about this amazing result on day 1. What if that's the last amazing result? What if I look like a fool in a few days when my neck goes back to its previously-messed up state? And what if it was just a coincidence?
   
2. I totally believe, in my brain, that this method works. But I doubt, in my heart, that it will work for me.
3. I worry a little that this program has some cult-ish aspects. "You must believe in the TMS diagnosis for it to work." "You should make public declarations of how the program is working for you in the forum." Those two aspects feel very placebo-brainwashy-cultish to me. I worry that my friends and family will look at this program and scoff at it, and make me feel stupid for falling for something that isn't scientific.
4. What if I feel super vulnerable after posting this and never post again and don't continue the program?
   
5. What if I have no one to celebrate with at the end of the program?

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Well thanks if you got all the way down here! Good luck on your own journeys!

 

congrats on an awesome 1st day experience. long may it continue into the program.. keep updating us how you get on with the program and I'm sure we'll be delighted to celebrate with you every step of the way. I get what you mean about doubting in your heart that it works. I'm on day 27 and have taken a little break from the program as I wasn't entirely sure it was working and just didn't feel comfortable with the intrusive journalling. Im confident I'll come back to it in the future though.

 

Hi Glennherriott, Thanks so much for your response. I am just going to keep trying until I can't try anymore. Sometimes this whole thing seems so bizarre -- am I really going to journal my way out of TMJ disorder and a shoulder that has throbbed for years? Even as I witness it work, I still don't wanna give myself over to it. It's like I can't be happy feeling ok or something. But anyway! I hope so much that when you return to the program, you will improve quickly and noticeably. It's awesome that you're on here, cheering others on even though you are taking a break.