Day 26 Flair up

8 wonderful days and now a flair up. Pain moving around, sciatica going down to my leg followed by on and off headache tension, anxiety, sharp blips of back pain, and a sore throat that comes and goes but had stayed constant enough for 2 days.

I’ve been coming closer and closer toward moving through lots of anger from things of my past. Letting go of these deep rooted emotions. I started practicing some ideas presented by Michael Singer, stating that we can be in a state of contraction or expansion (I’m paraphrasing). As I read more and more I see how my ego is attached in many ways to things in my past that have hurt me or I have transformed into strength. However even those things of strength are still rooted in sadness and anger and I’m ready to let go of it also and continue to shed more and more of this ego attachments. I ask myself if I don’t have these traumas and my anger what do I have? What does that make me? I think about the vulnerable parts of my self and how I keep that very guarded. The truth is I am ready to share that more, to express more compassion yet I feel something inside me have tremendous resistance to this feeling. Tension is arising to say the least.

I recently listened to “How to Change your mind” by Michael Pollan. As he read through the pages about his experience with LSD, mushrooms etc and his dissolving of ego I experienced the most profound fear followed by trembling and dizziness. It felt as though this unconscious self is afraid of being discovered for playing a big role in my attachment to pain, fear and difficult emotions.

It’s difficult, it feels as though I am riding a wild bronc that has moments of agreement and lots of moments of temper tantrum. As I type this my eyes feel as they’re going to pop out of my head and my back feels as though I am lying on nails and my sciatica is ramping up more and more. Then it suddenly stops after hours, if I don’t buy into it. Then long moments of normal followed by later attempts all over again.

 

Hello...your story sounds fairly typical. The flair ups are not fun, but their inconsistency is evidence of the non-physical source of the pain. Keep up the good work!

 

Thanks. For sure it’s very up and down at this point. A week of solid no pain then 4-5 days of sporadic pain but it doesn’t stick around like it used to