Day 26 Frightened

One trait of my personality is that I am frightened. I have this trait because I never felt secure in my house.
I don't come across as frightened to other people and I've been doing some work at dealing with the amount of inner fear that I have. Much of my fear has to do with how helpless TMS makes feel. It's more in control than I am- which is why it's important for me to read the Daily Reminder of "I intend to be in control- not my subconscious mind". Also because TMS limits me professionally it introduces a host of money worries.

These fears originated from my childhood when my parents withheld love and my mother played wicked mind-games. I have always felt creeped out by her.

A short while ago my building was bought out by a landlord with a terrible reputation. This very quickly brought out some intense fear that I hadn't known was lurking inside me. My stomach was incredibly tight and a few times I had short, suicidal thoughts- most of them involving me hurting my own neck. These thoughts were disconnected from my normal musings and they made me distrust my brain a bit. The part that identified as my normal self knew they were extreme and couldn't understand why my subconscious insisted on a solution that was so illogical- why it didn't take the time to come up with a reasonable course of action. (I apologize if this section doesn't make much sense but I'm trying to describe how these thoughts just shot into my consciousness instead of evolving from other other thoughts as my thoughts normally do.)

I have a fear of being abandoned in relationships and it's a strange one because it's not only that I fear that another person will leave me but also that I won't be able to sustain a relationship and will leave that person and then I'll still be left with that same feeling of abandonment.

I think I'm doing better with these fears. I'm looking much less for other people to heal me... I'm not sure if that's true. I think now I'm looking for small connections with multiple people. I'm trying to get what I need from friendships. And the biggest change is that I never look for a solution to my problems today. I realize that it's not happening today and that things may get better in the future.
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When was the last time you talked with your parents? How did the conversation go?
I last talked with my mother over a year ago and I talked to my father yesterday. My talks with my father go well and I'm much more sane now that I don't talk with my mother. In my last conversation with her I told her that if she wanted to continue speaking she'd have to do it in a way that preserved my sanity. She actually refused. So this on her.

 

Re: feeling secure in your home...

I remember being home with my mom and little sister when a stranger came to the door and knocked. It was broad daylight but my mom told us to be really quiet and keep still until he went away. This happened a few different times and I actually found myself doing it in adulthood a few times in my own home, feeling a bit ridiculous but powerless and absolutely compelled to do it. I wonder if it really was a stranger or maybe someone my mom was trying to avoid. Whatever the case, it definitely set me up for feeling afraid in my own home.

 

I think a difficult part of this is that your mother thought that she was somehow helping by not telling you the real reason. When that happens a child will conjure multiple frightening explanations. I'm sure your mother knew who it was.