From tooth to bladder to hand...

Hi Folks,

I'm writing with a slightly fatigued state of mind, and I'm not after any specific answers - but if you're minded to chime in with any observations, I would be grateful.

I've got a history of TMS, most notably about nine years ago when a terrible foot pain struck my right foot while out walking one day. There then followed 18 months of me trying everything from exercises to insoles to, at a particularly low point, basting my foot in a mixture of cayenne pepper and oil to help with the 'inflammation.' An MRI eventually found there was nothing wrong with my foot, at which point it quietened down. I've also had knee pain, elbow pain, hip bursitis, diarrhoea, occasional fatigue, hayfever, asthma, depression, anxiety....basically, at least half the entire appendix of Steve Ozanich's 'Great Pain Deception.' Recently, I had an episode where my tooth was hurting badly. Turned out that my dental implant had mysteriously unscrewed itself inside my gum, which cost me money and worry and time. That went away so naturally I developed frequent urination, which led me into all sorts of panic and money and time - plus two GP appointments, neither of which showed infection. Now, I'm feeling very fatigued with a weakness in my arms and hands, that I'm tracking with detached interest - I can hold and grip things without issues, but there's a 'feeling.' And of course, it's captured my attention, and I'm once again trying to say, 'no brain, we're not doing this, you're safe, we're okay.' Sometimes the discomfort is in my shoulder, or forearm, or sometimes it goes to my sacroiliac joint, or briefly into my right arm, and I'm just watching it move about, trying (and admittedly succeeding) in getting my attention. I'm also wishing I could have my frequent urination back, so good is the symptom imperative at making us worry. The more intolerable it becomes, the more you look for answers and become invested. Nothing gets worse, it just moves somewhere else, so my respite from X pain becomes instead Y weakness or Z irritability.

My personal life isn't great - my partner's youngest daughter went off to university last week, leaving us looking at each other without distraction. I have an ageing mother, an ageing dog, and an unfulfilling career that induces resentment every day. I am mid-life, and a woman, so there are various chickens coming home to roost, and changes that I myself cannot change. It is a painful time. I have a stammer, and a diagnosis of cPTSD. I have a lovely, charming outer and a bleak, angry interior. I want to seem as though I'm good, when I mostly feel bad or resentful.

I needed to get this down, somewhere it'll be understood and perhaps 'held.' So, thanks for reading.

 

Hi @Sarah79
I’m glad you are recognizing TMS. You also mention Ozanich’s book.
Do you ever focus more on Sarno’s book? Or have you looked into any of Ozanich’s later work?
Two things stand out for me. Sarno’s rage factor - the concerns you list at the end of your post make me really think that this is playing up in your life.. we talk a lot about age-rage here in recent times. Also Ozanich’s later focus on mind/body and spirit. In his books he is very forceful with his healing, and I’ve heard him say that this isn’t the path he’d recommend for others. He seems much more gentle and relaxed in later writing and footage I’ve seen of him talking.
Have you ever done the Structured Educational Program? Might be worth a try to either complete or use it as a refresher along with Ozanich’s writing. You are in a time of transition, and the world is a very hard place to set a young person free into these days. Consider that your feelings of change have something to do with the commonality of your daughter within the relationship and also the change in your habitual behavioral patterns around this family dynamic. You now have time and headspace to focus on you, which is a new concept to folks who are conditioned to focus on others.

 

Hi @Cactusflower, and thanks for your compassionate, helpful reply.

Just to note - the daughter mentioned isn't mine; she's my partner's, and has no contact with her actual mother, so I have moved into a quasi-maternal role with her. Seeing her off at the weekend was very emotional for me, and I'm not sure why, but I wonder if the age I am, and the relative impossibility of having children, has created a grief (and thus a rage....) alongside everything else. Her mother, who's an alcoholic, is someone I've never met but whose absence has had an impact on the quality of my life and relationship with respect the parenting I've ended up doing. I've also watched, with increasing anger, the way that my partner and his daughter (and her two sisters) interact; it's a dreadful dynamic, full of codependency and guilt. I am picked up and put down to suit their various states of overwhelm. I feel like an accessory and maybe if I was younger and a little invincible, I would call time on it. But for now <swallows tears and complaints> I get on with it.

I've only read Sarno's work once - I think it might be time to reread it. I love Ozanich's writing, as so much of it chimes with me; my id is raging, while my superego is faffing about making sure I seem unfailingly nice to everyone. I'm shutting down in my relationship to a degree, because I'm not getting the emotional validation I need, and I can sense that becoming this internalised, leaden weight in me - I'd rather plough on with the appearance of a relationship, rather than face endings and abandonment (more grief, more rage..).

I'll go back to the SEP tonight.

With thanks

 

Let’s face it! Your “semi-maternal role” is as a Mom! She is in many ways the daughter of your heart. Perhaps that is another place to look for some surprising insights. The internal conflicts we face, that “spiritual” side of us (regardless of faith) is often who we truly are vs who we think we are. Of course you are emotional! You love her! It seems like you also grieve this dysfunction that you are caught in the middle of. How flipping rageful it all is. Have you ever looked into boundaries and boundary setting? What do you feel is your role in that mess? Are you a people pleaser, or do you just use an escape hatch and distract yourself from all those giant emotions rolling around? Where do you find peace, piece of mind, worthiness, love, etc? Your reason (daughter/not daughter was a reason to keep yourself in this turmoil. There are ways to stay and find your peace within it, or make other changes and adjustments that benefit you.

Journaling can help you sort it all out. The SEP will be a great introduction to that, and your identification with Ozanich’s work.
You might also look into Dani Fagan, a British TMS practitioner who is starting to look into “next level” healing work. She has noticed many TMS folks have not had opportunity to expand our internal skills beyond basic TMS work. I’m talking interpersonal work around beliefs, internal narratives, triggers etc. Ways to drop the coping mechanisms that don’t work for us and embrace new methods that do.

 

Hi, Sarah,
Although some aspects of your story differ from mine, the essence was very familiar to me. I could feel for you—very much. All of it. I think it’s pretty much the tale of TMS. The sticky ball of yarn you need to unwind to get at the heart of it all. And like @Cactusflower said, journaling is a huge help. Write, write, write. Anything that comes to mind. No editing. Say ANYTHING on paper. All your truest thoughts. Then, tear it up and throw it away. Do it again the next day. Clarity will start to come. I think you already know a lot. You hinted at the worst parts. The traps. Feeling trapped can surely cause rage. But there are so many ways to find peace. It’s a journey. You really have no idea how this will all play out. But your body is telling you that your “happy” exterior is coming at a price. You’re being invited to get real. Real is better. Even if it might rock everyone’s boat for a while. Don’t be afraid of your TMS. I think you’ll get this. I can sense you’re on the right track. In the end, things will be better and your life will be better.

 

Wow, @Diana-M, you brought me to tears with your perception and understanding. The themes between us are the same, I'm sure. I do feel trapped, from morning to the time I go to bed, at which point I am not averse to taking a sleeping pill (numbing) to get away from it all. I can be irritable, and some of those closest to me know a little of the bad stuff, but I generally exist in a way that gets me - surface-style - from the start to the finish of each day, and each interaction, giving of myself and not demanding very much in return. My work allows me an element of deception, as I am self-employed so don't have the scrutiny of an employer or a timesheet, but I still want to look as though I'm committed and deliver the goods, even if my actual resentment, anger and fatigue with the work is sky-high. My clients love me, but they love what they see of me, I suppose; the people pleaser and the pseudo-perfectionist. Inside, I am raging all the time.

I've been watching my body today, and thinking of how, just a couple of weeks ago, I was too scared to think of my bladder as the urgency would immediately come. It's funny how the body can move things around, always capturing and magnifying your attention, a bit like the scene in Jaws when the camera does its infamous zoom in on Captain Brody as he sees the shark attack.

Anyway, thank you. Thank you

 

Hi @Cactusflower, thanks again for your wonderful, encouraging and insightful reply. I've joined Fagan's programme. £42 a month for a few months to go through the work and get into my body is a small price to pay, much smaller than all the fatigue and anxiety and grimness I'm currently up to my neck in - and have been for years. I revisited Ozanich's index again last night - I've also had eye twitches, something that concerned and consumed me until it invariably went away only to come back as something else. Something he says in his 'Steve, do I have TMS?' checklist is 'you don't feel your emotions.' I really don't, and I've always struggled to. I've got a therapist now who's intrigued by my inability - my absolute palpable discomfort - to sit with my body, or access visceral emotion. It's a running joke of sorts, and she will occasionally encourage me to lean in and try it again, even for a few moments. I've learnt a little about my vagal nerve and how it works, and I love Deb Dana's work - but again, I've not really practiced anything regularly. My brain takes control, takes charge, and thinks the job is done because it's acquired some information. I think it's time to really start to practice, and do so consistently.

His daughter; maybe I do love her. Again, it's difficult to know because the dynamic is so messy, and there's a lot of resentment there. But yes, I do feel maternal towards her, and her leaving home to go to university was hard because she was politely rejecting me and pulling back, hoping to hear instead - and very understandably - from her actual mother, who didn't step up. I don't know what to do with that experience, and my partner is struggling with the depths of his 'empty nest syndrome,' so I just pack it away and put it somewhere. Then I feel more dreadful, of course. I have quite strong boundaries insofar the ones I police, but there are many - particularly with this relationship and his family - that I haven't erected, nor can, because it's such a mess that I just have to be acquiescent as I've learnt that challenging my partner's parenting, for example, doesn't actually work. I can only observe, sometimes be included, sometimes be asked to leave if his children become 'overwhelmed.' I guess because he has no boundaries with regards how they can draw on him, he doesn't encourage or inspire a dynamic in which I can have boundaries, either. I'm like the tide, just sweeping up crap and going with it because that's the eternal programme of the step-parent.

 

Ahhh, the old eye twitch trick. Yes, I had them they are a symptom of anxiety for me.
There are some people who simply don’t feel emotions much, it happens. I’ve seen an interview @Forest, the creator of this Wiki did, and he said he also doesn’t much feel them. However, he still is a TMS success story, probably due to journaling and being able to reduce the stress on paper.
Hugs to you and all you are dealing with.

 

Thank you; there’s much for me to do.

One thing you asked in your prior post was how do I get relief for myself? I live in the UK, and once a year, I drive 500 miles to the very northwest of Scotland, a place called Sutherland. It’s almost unpopulated, and I hire a place where I stay, with my dog, for a month. I don’t have to see anyone, I don’t answer my phone, I am surrounded by a beauty so vast and ancient and intimidating that there’s nothing else to do; just be, and absorb it all. I’ll attach a photo of one of the views I love. It’s perhaps not a coincidence that the place I love, and am drawn back to, is a place that is absolutely the embodiment of all my nervous system needs - quiet, air, peace, vast beauty, sounds of nature….

 

Sarah,
I’m so glad I could help! ❤️ It really makes all the difference to have the support of fellow TMSers. This forum has been a lifesaver for me. I’m glad you are already starting to notice yourself more, and what you are feeling. I was going to suggest these things you said as some good journal prompts for you. Dig down and see what you can find.

Also, your job. I had to retire because of my symptoms, but before that I was in business for myself. It’s phenomenally enraging. It’s a lot of pressure. People think you’re “free,” because you don’t have a boss. But you are so far from free. It’s really hard to have all of it resting on your shoulders.

Your hideaway in Scotland (for a MONTH!!!) sounds fantastic!
Welcome to the forum! Glad you’re here.
Things will only get better from here.