Day 35 Full flare-up and resolution

I had a tough week (stress/pressure) and was looking forward to getting babysitter help from a close relative a few days ago. Instead, that relative got acute health issues and I had to rush over (with kid) and help while waiting for ambulance. It ended up with hospital visit etc.

This of course brought up lots of worry in me. The day and the day after I was having full pain returning and was feeling awful.

When it was clear that there was no acute threat anymore and the close relative was OK, I was still having the same amount of pain. One would have thought there was relief to come, but no.

I got two hours for myself eventually and started to work on my feelings. I had a lot of rage towards many people for making my week so tough. I ended up screaming into a pillow, then punching a pillow until I was exhausted and then cried for 20 min. All while processing my rage and sadness towards at least 7 persons.

And here is the most difficult part to admit. While I had a lot of worrying, kind, loving, caring feelings towards my close relative and the emergency, I was also feeling rage. The rage was about this person not being there for me in my very stressful time, but instead put tons of more emotional pressure on me through this emergency (since I count on this person a lot in my life). I mean this is completely irrational and egoistic since it was an emergency. Still this was how my inner child (ID) felt in addition to the love and caring feelings. It was also rage, fear and sadness towards the possibility of abandonment (serious illness, death) since I love the person so much. I mean, outwards this is totally unacceptable to communicate and I would never do that, but admitting it to myself and processing it helped a lot.

After my screaming and crying alone, I also went for a 6mi run. Pain was reduced to 30%

Ran again 6mi the day after while thinking stuff through. Now pain is back to around 10-15% again.

Man, this week was so tough...

 

Having rage is totally normal, but is so hard to express without feeling guilty! Congratulations on being able to do that! <3

And yes, oh man, being so honest with ourselves about our feelings is super draining... I am feeling it myself. I am at day 6 and feelig like a need a vacation, ahaha

 

We all want balance in our relationships, but sadly, we often do not feel that. I think it's the same with kids. It's hard not to feel angry sometimes when you have to do so much work and it feels like most/all of it is unappreciated. It is a big step getting to that point where you can recognize you are being a little egotistical, but also recognize that those feelings are normal and OK. Great work so far!