Day 10 Going pretty well, actually

Hi all, I'm following the advice of the program and posting an update.

I think the last few days have gone pretty well, I've found myself thinking about my pain less on a minute-to-minute basis at work, and the amount of pain has definitely dropped. I did notice a spike in pain when I was suddenly being rushed to get some work done by my colleagues the other day, but it decreased again as soon as I'd done the work, so further evidence to me that my pain is psychosomatic!

I've been thinking a lot about my family, and I'm REALLY p*ssed at them now, which I've realised is a healthy response to the childhood (and adulthood!) they've given me. It's left me feeling quite conflicted, and it's bound to change the way I interact with them although time will tell how things will settle. I'm just really fed up with them. The situation with my Mum complicates things and means I'll have to have more contact and be more reliant on them than I'd like.

I've found that I'm being kinder to myself; Alan Gordon's recovery program has really helped with this! I got headhunted the other day for a cool job (I interviewed months ago but they didn't have a position for me, and now they do they asked the recruiter to lure me back), and it's another computer-based job but to my surprise I realised I hadn't been worried about that side of things for the first time since I got hand/arm symtoms - when I've been jobhunting before, I was full of anxiety over my ability to even physically do the work. I also managed to at least partially suppress that nasty little voice inside me that says 'you won't get the job, you won't be good enough at it...'

One thing that I've found didn't help was getting angry and 'telling off' my unconscious when I got pain. I've found it much more effective to be nonchalant, and say to myself 'whatever, I don't care' when it starts to hurt. I think this is because getting angry at my unconscious is still kinda rewarding it (and the pain) with strong emotional attention (i.e. I was replacing fear about the pain with anger about it). I think for me at least, it's more effective to just dismiss it out of hand and focus on it as little as possible

 

Yeah, getting angry at my unconscious didn't work for me, either (though it does work for some people). I find myself telling my unconscious that I have nothing to fear, sort of soothing it, when the pain/fear gets worse. That works better for me.

 

I think its one of the hardest things - to not get angry at yourself! I am really trying to be kind to me ( so does that include chocolate...)