Day 25 Good Scary Change

Hey all,

For day 25, I am writing an update on how it's going so far.

Overall, big improvements! Yesterday, I suddenly noticed a joint-pain in my hand again, which made me realize that I had not felt it for the prior two days (which is absolutely huge because it had been there for a good two years continuously!). Immediately, I could also connect it to a rage I felt due to an argument with a friend, who is making me doubt in who I am as a person. Generally, I feel very comfortable around this friend, so I don't hide much. They mentioned that I am rude at times, even though I see myself as a kind and positive person (and I hear this from many people around me as well). Upon reflection, I am now thinking that their experience might have truth in it too though - maybe how I am around them, is how I am around myself, precisely because I feel so comfortable around them. And that area definitely has room for improvement still, too often I still dismiss myself, ignore myself, or am angry with myself.

Whilst I believe in this and given that I am on working on TMS, I have no doubt that this area of self-talk (and to those who are super close to me) will improve too. However, it seems that this transition also goes with the breaking of relationships - I am experiencing changes in work and in friendships. Perhaps for the better as my authentic self would choose to do some things different in life, but at the same time, it gives rise to anxiety.

Has anyone else experienced changes in friendships and activities they choose to do (whether it's work, hobbies etc.) as they continued on their path of TMS?

With kindness,
Toad

 

"argument with a friend, who is making me doubt in who I am as a person."
Toad, this is the meat and potatoes of much of the work. A big hi five to you!

And yes, recently I lost a friend, because they are stuck in a big pit of never ending cycle of narcissistic victimizing behavior. I have moved on from thinking I am a most sympathetic person who is kind and will listen to all of this (cause that's not being kind to ME!!) This was my first step...I began to wonder why I put up with this shit. Eventually this person told me I was a horrible individual - I apologized at first (ah, same old people pleasing) but after another series of their bizarre behavior to me doing nothing (actually nothing...no contact with them, nothing) I am out. They are now talking badly about me to others which brings up some TMS-y personality stuff. I refuse to feed into it. If other people listen to it, that's not something I can control. A few people have found new respect for me over it all, and a lot of others are either asking questions or steering clear of me.
It induces some anxiety but I have take that as a wonderful opportunity to work on those aspects of myself that are creating the stress and anxiety. I can choose to care about all this ridiculous drama or choose to care about things are truly meaningful to me, not things I thought I should think where meaningful.
I tried a few new things in the last year. Some are simply a return to things I enjoy doing, others were new. It's been a great experience saying no to things I decide aren't for me - which in the past was hard. If someone said they "needed" me at say a volunteer opportunity I'd commit, even if I didn't like it. Now I recognize it's just about a warm body to fill the position, it's not about me at all and I can easily just say no.
It has been a liberating experience!
Now I have to speak to a couple of folks about stuff that is bugging me and I am avoiding it. They seem me as never rocking the boat. It's nothing major, but I hope they have life jackets

 

@Toad, First, congrats on the joint pain leaving, and recognizing why! That’s huge.

Funny you should bring this up! I was just musing on this the past few days. I have been working really hard on TMS homework, and also I have been in a 12 step program (Al-anon) for a year and therapy for 3. They are all working together to change me. It’s rocking the boat for sure. Things feel tense with some people. And others I just don’t want to be around anymore. The price might be the loss of some key relationships I thought I desperately needed. Who knows, maybe it’s mutual? If I’m not the old me, they might not like me as much anymore. They pick at little reasons to make me feel bad we are drifting.

Suddenly, I can see things more clearly. Have these relationships always been geared toward me being the bad guy? I’m the one falling short? That’s a pretty crappy feeling. Did I put up with it all this time and not even know it wasn’t fair to me? In other instances, I think some people benefited from me always being low, always someone you can feel you are doing better than. And despite having symptoms, I’m a pretty strong force to reckon with now.

I’m different now and everything is different. And yes, I have noticed some old hobbies becoming less appealing and new ones edging in as options. I also feel like pursuing a less stressful work life. Why do I have to be such a mean taskmaster? Why can’t things be gentler, to go with my new gentle head talk and self love?

I guess all of this is evidence of big changes. Hats off to us. It’s not easy to do. And the price might be losing some old friends and distancing from some relatives. I guess, so be it. But I’m still in grief over it.

@Cactusflower, I had to laugh at the life jackets! You sound very clear on what to do and bold and honest. Admirable! It’s exciting to see how the TMS journey ultimately leads to a better life.