Hard to keep trying

I have TMS only when I run. I love running. I have been a runner my whole life. I've been working through the structured recovery program and I'm on day 6 - 7 now. I've also been reading and working through Alan's pain recovery program. I know that I can do it and I know that it will work.

There are a few things that are not working in my favour. I'm registered for the Boston marathon that's in April of this year. So of course I want to do well. I qualified for it last year but could not train - too much TMS pain kept me from running. Unfortunately I could not go. I know now that it was TMS pain, I didn't know it then. I'm putting pressure on myself to "fix" the pain that I have now so I can run Boston. Also my husband isn't entirely supportive of the fact that I have TMS, he doesn't want me to hurt myself while I'm running so I'm not in the same boat again and have to cancel my trip to Boston. When we talk about it he says that we will just go and if I have to walk it so be it, but whenever I do run and it hurts he always wants to know why I'm running anyway if it hurts. So I have pressure from him not to run.

In the past month or so I have had PF, achilles tendonitis and some strange knee pain all at the same time. None of it is real. It comes and goes, is there for some of the times that I run and then not others. The PF was the worst followed by the achilles pain, then the knee pain. When I told myself my feet were fine, the achilles pain stopped altogether. The PF pain subsided when I stopped caring about it. Now this pain in my knee is so excruciating when I run. It comes and goes and moves around. I know that it is TMS pain because I had exactly the same thing happen at the same time last year, when I didn't know I had TMS. MRI showed nothing, physios could find nothing, chiropractor found nothing. They said I had tendonitis, tight muscles, some imbalances and gave me some stretches, exercises, and did some therapy. It went away finally on its own after several months, probably because I just got frustrated and tired of it hurting and I really wanted to run again.

I did 10k yesterday morning and it hurt so much that I wanted to stop but I kept going. Eventually it subsided later on in the run but it was very hard for me to keep going and tell myself that there is nothing wrong with me. I was so tense trying to run and trying to feel the pain objectively and without fear. I will try again in the next few days but the fact that I'm afraid will probably bring it on again. It's so hard to tell myself there's nothing wrong when I'm in so much pain. The only thing I have is that it doesn't hurt me when I'm sitting here, and it didn't hurt when I was jumping up and down and dancing earlier this evening with my daughter.

I have done some journalling and that was very difficult also. I wrote about a very difficult time in my life when I was 14-18 years old. I had an older abusive boyfriend who physically and verbally abused me. I know that there was physical abuse but I can not remember any specific details. All that I can recall was some of the mental abuse. After I journaled about this time I cried for a long time, remembering the feeling of being a small scared, cowering girl that was trying to hide. It was something that I never wanted to write about or even think about again.

This is going to be a rough ride. I know that I will come out of it better at the end but at this point I feel like there are so many things stacked up against me.

 

Celebrate that you know it's TMS. That's a huge step. Then, I would suggest watching your own wording. You might be telling your mind to be afraid. Like "this is going to be a rough ride". "stacked against me." Our minds process everything.
It doesn't really matter if your husband is supportive of it being TMS. I think what matters most is what you are telling yourself.
Frustration and self-disappointment are very harsh things for our subconscious. I think our subconscious just thinks we want another serving of what frustrates us.
Maybe take a look at how you talk to yourself. Try picturing yourself at your child's age. Would you set the expectations bar so high for her?

You will get through this, but it's really not about determination. It's about lessening the fear and the self-criticism about performance.
That's what "outcome independence" means. It's about doing your sport without undue pressure and for the love of being alive instead of running a race to win.

You're actually doing great. KNOWING it is TMS is 85% of the way to freedom. Now, it's about letting go of expectation and fear.

 

I’m a runner, too. 10 marathons and countless halfs. Would it be so bad if you give yourself a break from the pressure of competing in the race, and just do the running and/or walking, at your pace? I know the pressure of competing while in pain—it’s a perfect anxiety-driven storm for me. I don’t “race” anymore—in fact, my last marathon was 6 hours! Lol! But I didn’t care, it was the most fun I ever had doing one. And it was for charity. Keep running if you love it, but do it because you love it. It’s become a lot more enjoyable for me now because I changed my whole perspective on WHY I run.

 

Thanks to all for the words of encouragement. Everything is helping. This is such an incredible forum with so many great people who take their time to encourage and help others.

I am watching my wording to myself, as I am learning that what I say to myself makes it to my subconscious. I have set the bar so high for myself my entire life, it is a nice relaxing change to know now that I don't have to do that to myself anymore. I never had to do it in the first place.

Interestingly enough, I went for a long run today, 18k. About 5-6k in the knee pain started again. I relaxed myself through it, telling myself that there is nothing structurally wrong. Then I felt it objectively. Let it pass through me. Let it move around. Then it was gone. I couldn't believe that it was actually gone. Then I cried. Running down the road with tears streaming down my face, knowing that it was actually gone. This was so monumental for me I still can't even put it into words. Then I got scared that it would come back, and of course it came back again. Then I thought the same things, and it was gone again. It didn't return for the rest of the run. I was tired at the end since that took a lot of mental energy, but what a beautiful experience. I still had the PF pain on and off, but that should pass too.

As for competing and just running for fun, I still need to work on that more. I do love to run and I love to compete as well, but there certainly is the pressure that I put on myself to run fast.

 

what a wonderful post!! thinking of you crying in gratitude during a run is amazing and inspiring.
I, too, have run through TMS pain and have sometimes thought about it as "thank you for this pain - it will help me to be healther emotionally - this pain is a gift forcing me to open my eyes and confront my true authentic self"
This is helpful for me to think about now as I'm currently hobbling/limping around from a TMS flareup and that's totally getting me down. I like to remember that I will be running again (in pain or not) soon.
GRATITUDE!!!!
all the best,
srton