Day 9 Have you been overly critical of yourself lately?

These days, my daily thinking is, why are my GPA so low? I don't think I worked hard then and now. (I don't think I didn't work hard enough to criticize my school life before I joined the military.) And I think what if I fail the midterms. There, I get afraid and try to run away from studying. I try to take a break, sleep, and take a walk during self-study time.

 

It’s so hard not to worry about grades! That’s a lot of stress.

 

Not to minimize your concerns because they are indeed valid, but I have learned to think in terms of IF my fears materialize, would I still be here? I always remember my favorite boss saying, “They can’t eat you!” It somehow, always brought me comfort.

When you’ve studied and done all you can do to pass your midterms, then you’ve done your best. But your life is not riding on this. Your life is riding on how you view yourself, come what may.

I have felt the pressure while in college also. In the end though, I learned the hard way, that being a better student was entirely up to me. When I succeeded, but not immediately, my fears of being a failure decreased. The reward was not how family saw me, but how making decent grades improved my self image.

I believe you can pass your midterms Jo Sung. Keep cracking the books! Breaks from working are fine, and burning the midnight oil is often necessary. You decide your outcomes. No one else.

 

Very much agree.

 

I don't think the anxiety has gone away yet. When the test approaches, the brain fog gets worse and I can't focus. Like ADHD, I focus on one thing and then suddenly my focus shifts to a stream of consciousness. My heart is pounding and I'm worried that everything I'm doing now will be in vain. To be honest, I suddenly wonder, "Is it TMS?" I feel like I have to catch my thoughts that are flowing too fast.

 

I’m truly sorry that you are experiencing such high anxiety. It is a most terrible feeling.

You mentioned ADHD. Has that or other things been professionally ruled out? I know there are tests for figuring it out. That aside, severe anxiety behaves this way also, complete with the inability to focus, rapid heart rate, etc. so let’s go with that for now.

I think others here have identified their methods for managing anxiety. If you have read through the posts and none work for you, some of us have temporarily used meds to get through untenable spikes. I urge you to talk with a medical professional about this possibility.

You seem to question if what you’re experiencing is TMS. Well, you’re not alone in this as almost everyone does in the beginning. You can read for yourself the many success stories of people like you, who became believers through doing this difficult work. I can tell you for a fact, that my anxiety and various pains are way down now that I am applying the TMS learning. It takes being very persistent about putting your mental health first. When that’s in place, the physical symptoms are lessened.

I assure you that what you are doing will NOT be in vain as you suggest that it will. I know this also because I’ve covered a lot of territory in my day. You may not want to hear this, but it does serve a purpose when we miss the mark on something important, like failing a midterm. Not the result we want, but maybe it is practice for the next time. Do you realize that most attorneys fail the bar exam, many engineers fail to pass licensing requirements? It is not the end of the world! The pressure you are putting on yourself is feeding your anxiety!

Back off yourself a bit. Can you look at yourself with compassion as you would a small child? What would you tell him?

My prayers are with you.