Having a really bad day/night

Day 7. Although my main TMS symptoms is vulvodynia and insomnia, that symptoms bothers me way less than the resulting insomnia. A month ago, I was practically normal, but my life has fallen apart so quickly.

Last night I was awake until 3am. I think I was drifting in and out. I was listening to a non-fiction audiobook for a while, but when I realized I was still awake, I got up and read until 3ish, then fell asleep. Horrified and frustrated to wake up at 5am needing to pee and couldn't get back to sleep due to the burning sensation. The night before was also not amazing... got maybe 4 hours.

On Friday, I burst into tears twice because I was so depressed over my sleep. I'm upset over not being able to sleep and then lack of sleep is also making me emotional. I got some sleeping pills from my doctor, but they scared me so much about them that I'm reluctant to take them. On Friday I took an Ativan and still only got 4 hours.

I am exhausted at the end of the night. I watch TV and can barely keep my eyes open. But the second I get into bed, I am suddenly wide awake, my heart pounding.

I have posted before and read many posts about this, and I know everyone says to stop caring whether you sleep or not. That sounds great, but it's one thing to say that and it's another to actually stop caring. It's as hard to get myself to stop caring as it is to get myself to actually sleep.

I was having some very dark thoughts when I woke up at 5am this morning. I feel so horrible and hopeless. How can I continue like this?

 

When we say you just have to stop caring, it’s this:
For a long time, sleep has meant some standard for you. You believe you can’t be fully functional without x amount of sleep. The feelings, meaning the physical sensations of lack of sleep are currently intolerable for you based on a set of beliefs. You basically said you feel crappy and I am assuming it’s physically and mentally, emotionally and spiritually when you get less sleep and dwell on the less sleep.
However that is an old narrative and set of beliefs you can break by simply refusing to think about it. That’s not to say you don’t feel like crap, but the worrying, playing the same things over in your mind on a loop is truly what is working against you.
You can train your mind and body to be more tolerant of not feeling 100% perfect (because life ain’t perfect), and with a lot of patience and kindness (meaning less self-pressure) you can work on turning your mind from these thoughts. If in one day you can turn your mind from one of these thoughts just once, you are succeeding. You do it once, you’ll be able to do it again.
“OMG, I’ll have brain fog tomorrow if I can’t get to sleep in the next 10 minutes…” becomes “oh, I can’t wait make my favorite mean for dinner tomorrow and then journal about my day” etc. You can absolutely change thought habits.
Claire Weekes Hope And Help For Your Nerves has a very specific section about insomnia as a symptom of anxiety and what to do about it.

 

Love your responses. Definitely agree.

 

Thanks for your response. I listened to the Claire Weeks book on Audible, but it was only an hour long, so now I think I got an abridged version. I just bought it on the Kindle and I'll see what I missed. I did find her very inspirational.

This is all very good advice. It definitely involves a change in mindset, which is hard... I think this all happened as a sign that I have to change my mindset about life because even though my issues have been worse recently, they have been escalating for a while. I'm grateful for my therapist.

 

Honestly, I hear you. That’s how I was functioning for most of my life until it all hit me at once late 2023. I became severely depressed waking up with dark thoughts.

Just know that things get better. It may not feel like it right now. It is slow. I’m not the most patient person but TMS has taught me some serious patience, introspection, and compassion/self love.

Just because you may not see progress every day doesn’t mean there isn’t change happening. I promise you this. Stick with it.

 

Thank you for that. I just sometimes need reassurance that I will come out of this with my sanity intact. I hope it makes me a better person in the long run too.

 

"I think this all happened as a sign that I have to change my mindset about life because even though my issues have been worse recently, they have been escalating for a while."

Wonderful insight! Being a "glass half empty" person is a very common TMS trait that isn't written about much. @Sita has recently written about keeping her mind "clean". If you search on this type of topic in the forums, you'll find that a long time ago there was a participant who wrote a lot about "clean thinking" and there is a page with his detailed instructions. I myself have been able to loosen these up, but Sita prefers to keep a tight reign on where her thoughts are led, because that's what works for her.

I do think that mindset is 50% of what helps us feel better. It eases the mental suffering, and truly, it's the mental suffering that is the biggest and best hurdle to get passed.

Lastly, I absolutely think reading Claire Weekes (physical, or Kindle) books are the way to go. I keep a copy in my bedside table for reference anytime we need it. My husband has had a few panic attacks in the past, and I've simply taken out the book and begun reading out instructions, assured him I was right there with him and guided him to follow the instructions. It works every single time!

 

I'm reading Claire Weekes' book right now. I'm so impressed that it helped break your husband's panic attacks! I hope it works for me.

Today was definitely a rough day. I had another long, hysterical cry, but I try to tell myself that when that happens, I needed it.

 

Oh my gosh, that is the stone cold truth. I have days like today, where I woke up under an overwhelming tidal wave of anxiety and sadness. Super depressed about my symptoms. Wanted to just stay in bed. But I got ahold of myself and ended up doing a hard chair yoga and going up and down the stairs twice (both firsts in a long time.). Had dinner with a smile—when I didn’t want to. I didn’t let it all get to me, but all day I was fighting it out. I never thought I would or could be this strong. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt I will get through this and win. You will too, @Nightowl ! ❤️ If we don’t give up, we will win.

Doing without sleep is so hard! It’s especially hard to stay positive because it just beats you down. But here’s your chance to become amazing. You will change and be able to do more than you ever thought possible. Don’t let it break you!

When my second son was born he didn’t sleep very well for more than a year. He would cry all the time. I would go weeks and weeks without much sleep. I had big black circles under my eyes. It was awful. One trick I used to survive was a hot meal. I read somewhere that a hot meal is worth 8 hours of sleep. I don’t know if that’s true or not. But I did feel so much better after a good hot meal.

 

Thank you for the inspirational words. I do remember the sleep deprivation when my kids were little, so I know it's possible to survive it. My psychotherapist is recommending I see a psychiatrist to help with my anxiety in conjunction with the talk therapy, because my PCP is reluctant to prescribe anything. I hate meds, but I recognize I might need something for the time being just to get through this.

 

I actually did the shower last night and it helped me a lot!