Day 1 Hello I am new

Hello to you, my future friends!
My first experience of Dr. Sarno’s work was the John Stossel video. I bought his books and have been reading and journaling and releasing RAGE for twelve days now.
I have no doubt whatsoever that this is what I’ve been looking for during all my years of suffering Chronic Fatigue and debilitating Depression!
I am feeling oxygen returning to my muscles - life!
I have so much to share I can’t type it all.
This is a summary of my story:
With depression I told my mother when I was age 7 that I wanted to die. In 1971 in my world things like this were not talked about in my world. Nor was there much medical ‘help’ for me at that time.
I don’t know when my father’s abuse started but I know I lived in terror since at least she 5. I sat at the top of the stairs one night when I was supposed to be asleep and heard my father talking softly to my mother about me. He said ‘I don’t know, sometimes I want to kill her’. So began my deeper fear that I believed he was going to kill me I just didn’t know when. My fight or flight response was in a permanent state of ON until 12 days ago (I am 57 and was home bound)! I was taught in my formative years and until age 20 when I moved out that I was shameful, unworthy and undeserving of love. I got hit with the belt, spanked until I bled, days (or weeks I can’t remember) of the silent treatment and always there was the Death Stare. When drinking sometimes my father would hug me in a sexual way and sometimes he exposed himself. Yes this is getting long. Mom was incapable of nurturing or expressing love.
Since I always hated myself I made big and bad decisions throughout my life.
I totally embrace this recovery program. I struggle with how fast my mind feeds me lies even when I am practicing mindfulness!
Thank for listening to me!
Oh, and I have some back pain which is not nearly as painful as the Chronic Fatigue, Depression - and I forgot to mention Binge Eating disorder, also since childhood. The CF started after my second divorce at age 35.
Peace.

 

I hear you @Joanne39. So sorry that you went through all of that. We all are broken here and need the support.
You have a lot of work to do. I'm very happy that you've shared your story with us. Thank you. It's a big step. You still have a long way to recovery but you'll get there.
Sending you a lot of love and warmth. Keep digging in your past, present and future - the cure is somewhere there.

 

Dearest Aarocia,
I am embracing everything to recover. Based on Dr Sarno’s guidance I wrote an essay yesterday on fear.
It felt good while writing but when I stopped I had a three hour crying/hyperventilating spell. I am still feeling it this morning. What can I do if this keeps happening?

 

Don’t stop @Joanne39! If you feel that way and have those symptoms after you are done that means you’re going into right direction. I know I sucks, I have days like that when I cry on the floor for hour or two but this sorrow has to come out, it was repressed for so long. I feel like it’s not going to last forever and at some point all the tears will come out.
You’ve went through so much, I’m so sorry for this little girl you were and still are. She deserves the compassion and love she never got.
Don’t feel that you need to do something about the tears. Try to breathe calmly and let it all come out!
Keep the good work, you’ll get there!

 

@Joanne39 Keep at it! You have been through a lot, and you have been taught it's not okay to express how you feel about it. Now you can express it. I'm not saying it's easy because it's NOT, but you can do this!! Sending prayers!! ❤️

 

Joanne,
I'm so glad to see you are doing this TMS work!
I agree with Aaricia that you are doing well to let the tears flow.

I have a suggestion, maybe it will help you. Sit in a chair you feel most comfortable in, perhaps in your living room. Pretend your father is in a chair across the room, and you as a little girl are also in the room, not near your father. Then have a good talk to him defending her. Tell her he was wrong! Tell him off and then make him leave. Then tell her you love her and are going to help her.

I have done various scenarios with this kind of thing and found it helpful. Recently I pretended to take my father to court and won, lol.

Peace to you,
Lizzy

 

@Lizzy, I like it! I'll try this one.
Thanks for an inspiration.