Hello, this is my (long) story

Hello everyone and i hope you are all doing well on your healing path.

I am a 30 year old male with PTSD/tourettes, anxiety and obsessive/perfectionistic features. I have an open relationship and am engaged to the most wonderful person. So let's begin my story and sorry for the bad english since this is not my native language .

This started a year ago where me and my fiance had rough sex and she was so drunk she snapped my penis during sex. We went to the docter the next day and he told me to rest for 6 weeks. So i did, i meditated had my breakthrough and felt stronger then ever. 6 months later pain started to come back slowly, sometimes after sex. Sometimes after masturbation. I always had a sex addiction because of my sexual abuse as a child. So i either masturbated or had sex to relief the stresa. Slowly me as a giving person i helped all my friends out while feeling great at the time. Noticing most were just using me and the depression slowly came back. It went worse and i stopped working out slowly losing my muscles which i worked so hard for. I stopped eating most of the days only hitting 800/1200 kcals a day. I only slept for 5 hours. I just wasted my time gaming at some point just to forget about life. Untill november where i almost took my own life. I had wrote down a list of trauma's in my life and felt tramped by the endless list hitting over 100s of trauma's. I remember my heart beating in my mind when i almost took my life with a knife that night. Gladly i didn't. But something died in me. I kept distancing myself. My eating and sleeping habits became worse and i only saw the sun 4 times in the next 3 months. Untill one week where i fellt slightly better. I was invited to a party and had unprotected sex with a girl i knew. Which went well. I talked to my fiance about it and she talked about the possibilities of her having STD's and such. Which made me more stressed then before. I knew in my mind we talked about it (the girl i had a fling with) and she said she was clear of anything. Yet i still got stressed out. So i went to the doctors and got myself tested. My doctor thought i had a fungal infection so he gave me a cream. I used the cream that i was so hesitant to use down there. And it went even more downhill. I started getting spots, i started going to the bathroom, it started burning down there. Could this be a coincidence or is this an std? A week later the tests came out negative. Yet i was getting all these extra symptoms. The doctor's cream was ruining my already hurt penis. I felt lost, me a person who kept his sanity most of the time having a sexual life. Couldn't use his penis anymore and the only thing i was always proud of was my "good-looking" penis. I never was to sure or confident about anything about myself except my ability to have sex and the way my penis looked.

So now i was stuck with a sick looking/not working/hurting penis with symptoms that seem to rotate faster then i can count to 60. A doctor denying it was his fault. Making me go to another doctor after 2 weeks. Saying what it had done to me, he looked at my mister and said oh that's just a minor yeast infection this cream will fix it in 2 weeks. So i got almost the same cream, i tried it and bam.. it gotten worse and worse. After that i tried a candida diet for months which didn't help at all. Waiting for an appointment at the urologist. Which costed me 3 months of waiting. All the time i was obsessed fixing it. Googling 60/80 hours a week. Crying myself to sleep. Dragging my girlfriend in the pitt of nothingness. Finally at the urologist, i had to enter the room bottomless.. i felt scared. I went in and had to lay on the seat. They then checked my prostate (luckily my girlfriend was there with me to support me). And all the trauma's came back. I felt abused again. Only to hear i had a hypertonic pelvic floor. The rest was healthy. But i felt defiled and disgusted. He told me to visit a PT. After 2 weeks of PT i am doubtful if it is going to be of any use but i have to believe. I used to google the symptoms 90% of the day. Now it is only around 50/60. Which is still alot. All this time i tried yoga/meditating/positive affirmations/breathing excercises but not much relief yet. My symptoms looked somewhat less untill me and my gf had sex again last week after 4 months of me being scared and not being able to. It was nice and we had great sex for atleast 30 minutes. Yet the symptoms came 2 days after. It felt like my penis was strained it hurt even more as if something tore from the inside. This made me lookup again obsessively untill i came upon DR Sarno. It seems that i am now struggling what they cal CPPS. It almost took my life again but i am willing to fight. A 2nd urologist i saw last thursday said the creams ruined my skin and i have to life with it down there.. but whatever now i try not to be obsessed with what my penis looked like because i just want my old life back. Being able to have sex again, and not being so reckless with giving so much to others, without receiving. I love my fiance and now that i do find purpose again i want to have a healthy life and be able to have kids in some years without all these things holding me back. Here's a shortcut to my symptoms:

-shooting/aching pain penis
-hypersensitive head penis (asif the wind is burning it/radiating heat)
-time to time frequeny urination
-pain penis after bowel movements
-discoloration/ruined skin penis
-Itchy butt and penis
-pelvic pain

Sorry for the long story that's centered around my penis lol. I try alot to be more positive around the day since being negative brought me nowhere. Thank you for taking the time reading my story and i hope you are all well on your path to healing. Not sure if this is all TMS or not but i'd love to hear from any of you.

 

Hello, I read your story in detail. Thank you for sharing all of that. I hope it helped to write it out.
One of things we know is that symptoms will most often happen to the areas that are important to you. To try to take that away from you.
In your case, you have a lot of focus on your penis. You have said that it was the one thing you were proud of. You have said that you used sex and masturbation as a release from your trauma. Clearly it has been the focal point of your life from trauma to post-trauma.

Are you in therapy for your PTSD and abuse that you suffered? I think that a PTSD and sexual abuse therapist and survivor group would be most helpful for you. It is a lot to handle trying to solve yourself. The good news is that when you start to deal with the trauma, the symptoms will take care of themselves and clear up. There is nothing wrong with your penis beyond an allergic reaction that you had to the cream. Allergic reactions are temporary, your focus on it right now is what feels more permanent. But it's not.

Your obsessive behavior in googling, etc. is something that many, many, many of us do with whatever symptoms we are experiencing. Once you are able to stop that you will feel a lot better. In order to stop that, let your private areas feel however they choose to feel. Knowing that once you deal with your trauma everything will come back. You won't have to hide behind sex addiction and you and your fiance will have a more satisfying relationship.

Things will get better. Your mind right now is trying to tell you to get help. You are going to have a very bright future. You are going to have your body parts working again.

Best of luck with your journey.

 

Yes, agree with the above - symptom OCD is really addictive and destructive. I had it really bad when my issues really started, because I couldn't figure out where the pain was coming from and there were a thousand horrible answers waiting online.

The trauma from the sexual abuse is pretty obviously manifesting in your genitals. When we have unresolved issues, they will often target areas where underlying "need" or "goals" or even self-worth are focused on. A way of interrupting so that we will eventually wake up and deal with the blockages/damage.