Day 1 Here's hoping....

Hi everyone,
So although it is DAY 1 of SEP for me, I have read Dr Sarno's book, Healing Back pain many times, I recently read The Mind-Body Prescription and just this morning, finished Steve Ozanich's, The Great Pain Deception. I am about 95% sure that I have TMS. The inkling of doubt is because the pain manifests as tension headache and mild migraines (I am saying mild, in comparison to what I used to get before I started reading about TMS). The 5% is because I sometimes link my migraines to food sensitivities and also I worry that it is something more serious. My father passed away from a brain tumor and I can get wrapped up in that. There was a small paragraph in Ozanich's book about (I am totally paraphrasing here) a father and son relationship, where the son took on the health issues of the father. Anyway, this is probably the wrong thread for this. I will look to see where I need to write my story and go further into it there.
DAY 1:
I had seen the video before and really related to it and it helped me believe even more that I have TMS. What really made me pause to think was the question. What would a life without TMS mean to you? Wow. This question has really made me face some very difficult realizations this morning. I haven't even journaled about it yet but I am grappling with the truth that a life without TMS would mean that I would have to show up! That I would no longer be able to hide behind the pain du jour. This is really bloody scary and it leads to a bigger questions about why I am afraid to show up for myself and my life which if I dig deeper, leads to some emotions and memories and feelings about my childhood (which I will write in My Story) that are very overwhelming in terms of rage, sadness, fury etc. I am also realizing the goodist in me makes sure everyone else is ok and today, I am feeling a lot of anger and want to yell "BUT WHAT ABOUT ME? WHO IS MAKING SURE I AM OK?"
None of this is really that new to me, as I have been in therapy on an off for years but I think that the level of the rage is hitting me stronger because I have copped on to what my body is doing. The game is up and I can see how pain is a distraction, so my rage is laid bare. I can see why I would want to distract myself through pain as these emotions are tough to face and to sit with and lean into, but the scale has tipped and I am sick and tired of being sick and tired!
I am grateful that this support forum is here and I welcome your experiences and words of wisdom.

 

I would not let that thought worry you. You have migraines or headaches and that's it. TMS, something you can learn to defeat with plenty of patience. I have had my head busted many times with hard knocks in wrestling and football. I have had cousins drop dead in their 30s cause of anuerisms but you can't think that.
That would just keep you in pain and worried. You have to trust that life is good and is with you. You are here for a reason. I thought my headaches we're going to be tumors or an anurism too. Once we start to learn the real culprits are stress and tension then we can start to resolve our situation. Putting lots of pressure on yourself to be better is always going to be part of whats making those headaches. When I slowed down on the self pressure I began to heal from the headaches. It took me over a year to get better but its like I have gained a whole new life, which I have.