Day 10 Hiding Emotions from Others

How is your treatment going?

It's difficult but worth it. I sat down at the piano for longer than five minutes today for the first time in what must have been a year, maybe more. I played through an entire piece, did some exercises that are very good at triggering pain, and noodled around. There were moments where I wasn't thinking about my wrists. It wasn't entirely pain free, but it wasn't as bad as usual.

I'm going to say that my pain has improved somewhere between 30 and 50 percent. For the amount of triggering activity I've been sustaining, especially when it comes to typing, using my computer, my tablet, etc., the level of pain has been pleasantly reduced. I'd even go so far as to say that it's bearable (though that may just be relative).

The emotional work is very hard, but I feel like I've finally knocked down a little of the forest brush. I'm getting a larger and clearer picture of my emotional landscape every day and with every bit of work that I'm doing.

Think of a person in your life from whom you hide your emotions. What is preventing you from telling this person how you feel?

Who don't I hide my emotions from? But I'll think of an easy one.

My dad. I hide my emotions from him because he hides his from me, and always has. And he's probably the reason I hide them from everybody else: because that's the example I had as a child. What is preventing me from expressing my feelings to my dad? I don't want to 'rock the boat'. I never want to rock the boat with anyone. It's too much of a hassle. Sometimes i justify it as 'taking the high road'. But usually, it's not. With dad, though, I don't know. I don't think he's really equipped to hear me out or do anything about my feelings. He hasn't really been responsive in the past. His approach to addressing my feelings is sterile and clinical (no surprise, he's a doctor). I kind of feel like I just have to accept our relationship for what it is. But I still hold a lot of anger toward him for violating my trust in him so deeply. He failed to provide me with very basic needs as a child. All of my family members did on some level. But what can they really do about it now? I've told them my feelings, explained them until i was blue in the face. They can't really do anything about it now. They apologize, but it's not the answer I'm looking for and they always defend themselves. I don't see how it's ever going to change, so there's no point in even bringing it up.

 

So when your emotions about someone, in Cindy's case father or Jan's case mother, are repressed... what is the healthiest thing to do for yourself? Cindy, you say that your father didn't react the way you hoped. Did it make you feel worse about the situation? Do you regret talking to him or do you feel it helped to get it off your chest? I have similar issues with my father but have never been able to express how I feel. I'm afraid if I opened up to him, that he wouldn't really listen. Dismiss me for being soft or emotional (he's very stubborn and controlling by nature). But maybe I'm wrong and he would understand. So at this point I'm trying to figure out if I should sit down with him and try to hash it out? Maybe, just maybe I could get through to him. On the other hand, it could also cause a riff within the family and produce more stress. I wonder if it's healthier for me to just write and explore my own feeling till I come to terms with them? Big question for me is can I actually learn to forgive him; even with him still disrupting our family dynamic. Jan, it sounds like by working through your emotions towards your mother on your own, you came to terms with everything. Do you think this is a healthier than confrontation?