Hip, back, knee, foot pain & 'stubborn' unconscious..?

Hi all,
I'm new here - have read a lot of the threads (which have been very helpful and insightful) and thought I'd share my own story in search of some advice.

I was introduced to the concept of pain & the brain about a year ago, but have only seriously started to delve into TMS about two months ago, reading every single day, as well as writing down how what I learned applied to myself. I have read Sarno's Healing Back Pain, The Divided Mind and The Mindbody Prescription, and watched Sarno's lecture on YouTube. Not only was I blown away about how much sense it all makes, I could read myself on every page. The longer I'm digging into all this, the more I'm starting to realise that I've probably had TMS for a very long time.

After my first pregnancy, I overstrained my right knee doing exercises to try to get back in shape. An MRI showed some wear & tear but the doctor said it was nothing out of the ordinary. Rheumatism was also ruled out.
Then after my second pregnancy I also developed severe pain in my hips, on both sides. I couldn't sleep on my sides anymore because of the pain. I thought I had overstrained carrying my twins, and by DIY-ing in our new home. I went to my GP who diagnosed bursitis. Long story short, I saw a load of doctors and therapists - nothing has helped. (Along with this, I have oedema in my right foot - my feet were very swollen at the end of my pregnancy. After I gave birth my left foot turned back to normal, but the right foot is still quite swollen. Or actually, it varies, sometimes it's huge and other times it isn't, but there's always some water retention. Could this be TMS? Doctors have told me there's nothing to be done about this, but that it isn't serious)

A couple of things are hard for me: I rationally completely accept and understand Sarno's writing, and I can truly come to no other conclusion than that I have TMS - especially where my knee is concerned as a doctor ruled out any structural deficiencies. The same kind of goes for the hip pain, as I've seen many therapists and nothing has worked. When I think about my other pains (back pain for instance) a part of me is less certain - a part still wants to think that I can get it pulled straight, while I KNOW that if it was just caused by sleeping in a wrong position, it would have solved itself long ago.

The other thing is my unconscious mind. While I know that by definition I cannot know what's going on inside my unconscious, I get kind of frustrated about it being there at all - like "what is it trying to hide from me, I want to know what horrors are going on there." And the other thing (which I know makes no sense) is that I keep thinking: I've had sooo much therapy, what the *&#! else can there be. At other times I can be quite mild, and I remind myself that I will probably never know, that I don't need to know, and that my therapy was aimed at healing from trauma - about the stuff that I consciously suffer from.

Since I've started getting into all this a couple of interesting things have happened: I have become extremely anxious, and also I've had a few days where either the pain in my hips increased, or old pains have returned, especially in my knees and shoulders, when there's no real reason for it. This I take as a good sign: my unconscious is getting nervous and is going all out! When I talk to my unconscious the 'extra' pain subsides, but the pain never fully goes away.

I am aware that not everyone who reads a Sarno book heals from reading (although I would have loved to be one of those people), but I am (or rather, a part of me is) scared that somehow this all doesn't apply to me in the end and I'll have to learn to live with it. And I'm also impatient, although I hate to admit it. I know others suffer much worse than I do, but I am so done with the pain. At the moment it feels like I'm having so many discussions with myself - it's pretty exhausting. Should I go on like I am doing now (reading, journaling) or should I do something else? Or should I just be more patient? Is my unconscious super stubborn?

Well this has become quite a novel (and actually I've edited a lot out to make it shorter - hello perfectionist overthinker!). I hope others might recognise my struggles and if anyone has a piece of advice I would be delighted to hear it.

 

Hi @JCthart
What an excellent introduction!
I would urge you to watch or listen to Nichole Sach's story, especially around the time she became a mother. What seems to be something so distressing eg. something is "wrong" or "lurking" in the subconscious - "horrors" as you word them, will become much more easier to understand, and that will help them loose some of this power the mere idea of what is going on.
Essentially, you are human. We were created this way and all humans have similar brain functions...it's NORMAL. So there is absolutely nothing to fear. The fear is actually the fear of feeling emotions like shame or guilt, and above all RAGE! So, now you think GAH! I must be horrible to have this buried rage and what will happen when I set it free and have to LOOK at it all. What happens is you see your true self. Not the self you had to create to get along and survive, but the true real self you were created to be...and all your parts are beautifully human. You fear the self-judgement that you've hid from. However once you face it - and not all of it mind you, just the mere fact it's there - you face that and it magically seems to just loose it's grip.
It seems like a lot of responsibility to do this, but that's just part of the TMS mind mechanism trying to keep you from dealing with what is essentially buried rage. Take heart in knowing that all this rage began forming when you were a tiny child, and that's simply how the subconscious works - like a tantruming two year old. It's all the things we've been taught are not acceptable, selfish, mean and all the things we view as "negative" in others..but really, that tantruming two year old just wants it's way and to be soothed and have a smooth ride through life. That's completely unrealistic. Once you simply come to terms with that inner ME ME ME and your real life, you begin to see how it all works.
It's not complicated in the least, and I find it funny (I'd think most parents would find it quite funny, after dealing with all these things from real life toddlers who are far less guarded).

Your reaction to the new information you are digesting is really normal. Many people feel and increased anxiety - I'd suggest recognizing this might be because it all seems like a lot of added responsibility to "fix" what is "wrong" - a mindset that is held over from the medical model. Sarno actually teaches that there is nothing "wrong" - that everything is doing what it is designed to do, and that it's all BENIGN and can be regulated simply by recognizing what is happening.

Feeling done with the pain is also a very common thought pattern. However you are interpreting the pain as the source of your suffering when it's actually the repression and suppression that is the source - the self-judgements and self-pressure and stress. I'd suggest working on the idea that yes, it sucks to be in pain but that's it's temporary and that you've managed this far, and you've been OK. You'll be OK. Treat your pain and your suffering exactly as you would if your child were in a similar situation - to be kind, but to also realize that they need to work through it all.

So how do you deal with it all? You'll need to find a way to separate yourself from the self-pressure and perfectionist tenancies to do all this right and do it all right now. This is exactly why pain persists. You might want to journal about why those things are habits or important to you, and maybe even why it's hard to find patients and kindness for yourself through the process. Steer clear of talking about the symptoms and what role they play. You don't need to dig, or excavate - just sit and write a stream of consciousness. But to separate yourself, you need to find calming practices to deal with the nervous system which is on high alert. Going for walks, meditating, breathing practices, chi gong, knitting, sports, running, swimming, arts or crafts, writing poetry ... whatever takes you away from your busy mind for awhile works.

Speaking of the anxiety and a busy mind: Claire Weekes books are so in line with Sarno's work and easily digested (there are even audios of her reading the books!) and the practices easily adapted into your real everyday life. Great for anxiety and overthinking.

Don't worry about pain increasing, that too is often a normal reaction. It is actually proof that your mind is sensing a change is in the air.

See things that you've adopted as components to your lifestyle: Perfectionism, overthinking etc. as habits that can change, or be useful at times, and that you can choose when and how to use them. This gives you so much empowerment.

You are doing an excellent job,

Good luck! We're here for you!

 

Thanks so much for your long reply. What you say about the fear of the fear really resonates with me - basically it's about letting go of the idea that I (or anyone) can truly control fear, or any emotion really. I fear the sensation of being afraid, when the fear itself is actually less frightening: when I let go and experience fear, it kind of disappears. That's the whole point with the pain too right, wanting to be in control when there is no control, learning to accept all the shapes and forms of control (pains, anxiety, etc), and letting them go or just.. be. Really hard and kind of counter-intuitive for a control freak like myself

Also I really needed to hear "you are interpreting the pain as the source of your suffering when it's actually the repression and suppression that is the source" from someone directly.

I will definitely look into Claire Weekes and Nichole Sachs.

Have a lovely day!

 

JC,
You are really advanced in your knowledge. You’ve got it!!! I loved this line above! I so relate to your story. A lot of therapy (why isn’t it working to get rid of this?!); the frantic desire to control; the fear of fear—realizing you’ve had TMS a long time. Me too! I’ve been on this wiki 5 months. It is LIFE CHANGING! The answer is. Yes! Keep journaling, keep studying, keep workin it. For some of us, it takes awhile. Don’t doubt you have TMS. You have it.