Day 1 Hopeful for being hopeful

Reading other entries are enormously helpful. Here I go (again), as I've been through accepting and moving on from TMS once before in my 20s. I seemed to have completely forgotten.

Last year, repressed memories of sexual abuse emerged. As I had a PTSD response in the days following this remembering, I became fearful of sleep as the nightmares became so intense. The nightmares involved me kicking my brother off of me in my half-sleep - and this is how my hip pain flared up.

It was like all the tiny injuries over my life added up for a grand finale - SI pain, hip pain, searing sciatica that continually contracts my left leg, calf, and ankle so that they feel mostly dead. It's like my left leg isn't connected to my pelvis. I wake up and go to sleep (medicated, for about 6 hours) unbearably uncomfortable, and the pain comes and goes throughout the day depending on how much I can distract myself or remain calm.

I've tried to will it away. Tried diets, sleep hygiene, supplements. I reasoned it's because of my insomnia. It's because of hormones. Oh no it's probably my spine. Chiropractor, acupuncturist, clinical massage, yoga - no - stop doing that kind of yoga, do yin yoga, breathwork, gynecologist, pelvic floor doctor (oh I have small fibroids... is that it?), network chiropractic doctor, sleep meds, NSAIDs, more supplements, physical therapy routines, trying to not be angry when someone suggests this doctor or that doctor... I got to the point where I recognized I'm not sleeping without meds, pooping without meds, or walking without meds. How did I get from being a holistic-oriented somatic therapist - to this?

There is so much shame in this process. I literally sit with other people's feelings all day. But I analyze these. Feeling them is unbearable. It means you actually have to do things differently than the people pleasing, shoving it down, moving on, "protecting" other people from my negative feelings.

I think seeing so many doctors has been this kind of terrible, sweet replacement for having family that knows how to show up to pain. They put their hands on my body gently and validate what they imagine what must feel excruciating inside. My pain wants my family to know how bad it was and how much their denial hurts.

There is still a strong skepticism and fear to the TMS diagnosis, but I also know firsthand it works.