Day 1 Hoping to find hope

Having read the Divided Mind and found myself to be a classic case (difficult childhood, goodist, PTSD, emotion-swallower, perfectionist, etc.) I have been working on uncovering and identifying my many sources of rage, anger, sorrow, pain. I hope a regular, structured practice via tmswiki will help me begin to eliminate my symptoms and provide hope. I have symptoms of IBS-D and another painful condition both of which are excellent distractions in their intensity. At this point I am desperate and discouraged. My mind is pretty good at convincing me I am powerless but I still battle against that notion. I want to believe I do have the ability to make these symptoms stop.

 

Hi there,

Well, if I didn't know better I would say you were writing about me! Yes, I too have all those same personality traits and a terrible childhood to boot but this site and all the information and references here have given me my first glimmer of hope for a brighter future and so I really hope you feel this too. I'm only on day 3 but already I've done so much reading and looked at so many threads and read so many success stories that I really feel empowered to take control of the situation which believe me is the first!

I remember when I went back to college some 10 years ago to study Graphic Design, my tutor said that I must be a nightmare to live with as I was such a perfectionist - I thought cheeky blighter! What a nerve! But whilst I recognised my perfectionism (and at times admitted that it was in fact a real pain!), I just couldn't believe I could ever change since that was my 'personality', it was in my genes but what I found refreshing and reassuring was when Dr Sarno says that it isn't about changing our personality but about accepting it and recognising it.

It's early days but keep reading, the more I read (well I actually listen to via an audio download as I find this much easier) Dr Sarno's books and the more I read other success stories the more I believe, and I think this is what it's all about!

Good Luck!

 

I read The Divided Mind twice before I found the wiki. I saw myself on every page but wasn't sure if I was a perfectionist. I asked a girlfriend, she thought.... then said "well, what ever you decide to do you do 110%." Yip, that's me. Now after journalling so much I am now conscious of my drive for perfection. I am an off-the-wall perfectionist.

You are right Maria. You don't have to change but just be aware of how it can drives your actions and your pain. It also plays a role in my depression along with the drive to please others, to not disappoint anyone and constantly beating myself up for any mistake.

Welcome and get ready for an amazing journey.

 

Gosh you are so right Stella - I too am a 'people pleaser' so add that to perfectionism and what a tough ride we have eh?! I can't even dish up supper without putting the best bit of meat on my husband's plate or giving him the better presented dinner, etc and then I get so cross when I make mistakes ............ anyone would think I'm human! Hey hang on a minute - I am!!! ;-)

 

I took my Mother to a dentist appointment this morning. My Father came with us. My Mother hs to have another appointment with a different dentist. Where they live they have a service that will take residents to their appointments. I asked my Mother if she would be comfortable having them take her to the appointment.

I "saw" my Mother draw her eyebrows together. I "saw" her pull down her mouth. I then feel a dark cloud float into my head. I feel the pain in the back of my thighs increase. Yes, I was aware of it. So I am telling you about it then I will journal.

Then my Mother says " Well, I guess I can go by myself. Your Father can go with me but... I won't know where I am going." Of course they take her right to the building.

All my life I have tried to please my Mother. I tried everything to get her to love me. She has always pushed me away. I feel so guilty all the time but I am working on that too. I am learning to take care of meeeeee. Journaling helps me so much to get out what I can't express.