Day 25 How am I doing?

Day 25 asks you to post how you are doing with this process. Overall, I think it has helped. I have the ability to recognize the pain for what it is so it's less likely to steal days or even weeks from me. I still feel frustrated that I don't know what caused this incessant perfectionism. I feel that if I knew the source I could move past it. I'm not sure how to get at it. I've thought through childhood events and don't have anything obvious or specific like others have. Any techniques for figuring it out would be greatly appreciated. Jo

 

Hi Jo,

I have been thinking about perfectionism for the past 3 years, and only now have I found the root cause. So, hang in there, you will get to the bottom of it. One thing I noticed is that some memories from childhood still carry a sting. Thinking about them instantly transports you into your child-self and you relive that memory and feel the same feelings as you did when you were younger. For me, exploring these memories unearthed a lot of trauma. Once I release the feeling and replace it with an adult point of view, I'm able to revisit the memory and see it as "Past" and not "Present". That process has helped me reduce my pain quite significantly.

 

Thanks, Rainbow. I've actually been trying to go back to specific childhood memories and rewrite them in my mind to include a more rational view of the situation and not my damaged, skewed view. Does this seem healthy? I'm just trying to reframe them in a healthier way. For example, when my parents sometimes fought with voices raised, I felt the world was coming to an end because it felt my world was falling apart. My brothers could see this as typical parental fighting, but I took it all personally. Everything always ended up fine but each fight brought more insecurity to me. They were married 58 years and had a mostly happy marriage. Something in my four-year old brain believed those fights were the end of the world, so now I try to let go of the fear that comes back when I think about them and tell my self they did love each other and the fights were probably about their own concerns over money or something. Wow, I feel raw just sharing this one small story. I'm still not real good at sharing, but know that it will help me in the process.

 

I believe reframing a memory is a healthy and proper way to move forward. Some researchers believe that our brains are actually very changeable; in other words, memories can be changed or adjusted. One way we do this is when we revisit an event from the past and interpret it through an adult's point of view like Rainbowdash mentioned. I did this years ago with the memory of a cruel adult babysitter I had. Instead of focusing on how she treated me, I began to see that she had problems herself and a lot of hurt. Instead of feeling stressed over myself, I began to have compassion for her. It changed everything. I no longer remember that incident and feel pain. In fact, I hardly ever think about it at all. Once I read a book about a man who was having a difficult time forgiving his abusive father. Part of his healing came when he was asked to imagine his father as a young child, alone and crying. Put things into a whole different perspective. Forgiveness is very very powerful.

 

Thanks @jml19 - I do agree that forgiveness is huge. Interestingly, I just did a very similar exercise today regarding my mother from a Louis Hay book I'm reading. I realize now that she had her own self-esteem issues and was doing the best she could. I feel like it's going to take a lot of baby steps of forgiveness to get where I need to be. I can really hold a grudge. But I really want to get better, so it's a must. I really appreciate your comments and support.