Day 3 How 'not being enough' can sneak up on you

So I've been progressing well with my TMS.
Pain and tightness still exists, but it comes and goes. I don't let it stop me from doing whatever I want to do though, so I'm not too bothered by it honestly.

I recently got back to playing sports (mainly ultimate frisbee) again which has been a breath of fresh air (quite literally)
This restarting of running and being active again came with it's expected aches and pains after having not been active for more than a year.
One thing however, that came up quite strongly, which was hindering me from playing as often as I wanted to at times was this old knee injury, which happened about 2 years prior where I had a bad twist of the knee.
There is nothing structurally wrong but the muscles from my hip, hamstrings and glutes grab tightly making the knee not very stable to run on, creating pain, and this feeling like my knee could just buckle and give in any second.
I rested a few days since I had been pushing myself to play on continuous days over the previous 3 days. Did my stretching and foam rolling.

It was on the way to the ground to try playing again after this rest, when I had a full blown epiphany.

Despite thinking that I knew myself so well and that I had caught my brain so many times.
I realised that every time I was going to play I was going in with the feeling of NOT BEING ENOUGH.
I couldn't believe it.
Im in the car on the way to the ground and I'm slapping my legs and shouting - oh my god I bloody figured this thing out.

Every time I went to play rather than just having fun and enjoying myself as best as I could on that day.
I was trying to prove to myself and to the people that I was playing with that I was a really great player.
I wanted to be perceived as this - "wow this guy's so good".
I wanted everyone to think that I was some amazing player.

To add to this frustration I think I was also trying to prove to myself that I was still the player I used to be 2 years ago. I refused to believe that I couldn't play at that level, even though I haven't been active for so long. It would only be natural that my body would require some amount of time to develop that physical conditioning and stamina again.
And anything less than that level was just NOT ENOUGH.
It's so crazy when I think about it now, like how is it rational to think that I have to perform to a certain level that I was performing 2 years ago when I was probably in peak physical condition at that time, playing almost every day.

Anyways. Powered by this seemingly simple but highly powerful epiphany I proceeded to have the best game I have had since returning to play 2 weeks ago. What an incredible feeling to feel my legs pumping up and down like pistons as I ran across the field.
I even dared to make a few long runs, completing them successfully though my muscles were screaming at the injustice.
Ended the game with more than enough energy in the tank to go on for another 30 minutes but sadly the sun had set and the lights at the ground were not going to be put on.

Super proud of myself and I can't wait for what's to come

 

Congratulations! These are the kind of insights that lead to recovery! Great work.

 

Keep those epiphanies coming! Good for you! Great insight.