How to deal with a specific TMS symptom (attention/concentration)

While doing the structured education program, I have found that as I really tackle some issues head on, I feel that my mind is creating a "blockage". I feel nauseous, cough, and have even heaved. This is a negative aspect of a process that is very positive overall: the feelings lose their power over me, and I gain power over them.

I have a strange symptom, and I don't know if this is a TMS symptom per se, but it's certainly close. As a young child, I was corrected for virtually every behavior. I was told that everything that I was doing was wrong, when it often wasn't. This conditioned me in such a way that concentrating on certain tasks is literally impossible. Some tasks can be concentrated on, but are very unpleasant. I can read for quite a while if I am interested in the topic. Often, though, I find that even then I can't read a topic straight through. I'll read for a few minutes, then do something else, then go back to reading.

To read something that I don't want to is very challenging. While doing the TMS structured program, I was reading one of the recommended readings. Actually, I was supposed to have read the reading yesterday. I only read half of it. At 1:30 am, just before I'm going to go to bed, I decided that I'm not going to put this off another day. I forced myself to read the reading (only a page or two in length) before going to bed. As I was reading, I felt a very powerful compulsion to do other things other than read. I wanted to open up browser windows, get up from my seat, anything. It was hard to make it through complete sentences. Every few words, I'd want to do something else. I forced myself to continue. I told myself that I would do nothing else until I had read the article. The "blockage" feeling returned, as did the nausea and coughing.

One way I think I should deal with this is to try to distance myself from unpleasant mental associations with the experience. I will not think of the "blockage", nausea and coughing as a problem, just an aspect of the phenomenon. I don't know if this will be enough, though. I've forced myself through such tasks my entire life, and yet the problem remains. I don't know how to get through it. As a "real life" example of this, I need to mail something to my insurance company to be reimbursed $50. I had all of the information in one place, and just needed to write a quick letter. Now the info is scattered about. I can't seem to get this simple task done, just because it involves focusing and buckling down. I went to college, and it was very difficult because of this. I'd like to do something productive with my life, but this is a serious impediment. Any help would be appreciated. Thanks.

 

There are a few tasks in my life that are very hard for me to face and accomplish, and dealing with insurance companies is one of them. Usually the tasks I avoid have an element of conflict in them.

Maybe try to create new positive associations with these tasks. Give yourself a special reward when accomplished and lots of self-praise. Or during the task find something pleasant to have going on in the background, like your favorite aromatherapy scents or music (as long as not too distracting). Sit in your favorite place with your favorite beverage while you do the task. Get creative about this and find what might work for you.

 

thanks, I appreciate the suggestion.