How to keep going?

I have had almost a lifetime of TMS but I generally until recently referred to it as anxiety or tension.

The frustrating part of all this is that I have had numerous long-term debilitating symptoms which I have overcome, not least chronic tension headaches which were daily and lasted over 20 years. As you can imagine that symptom along with many others has seen me having as many medical tests as are possibly available and nothing ever shown up as being alarming. In fact, I have only ever had a diagnosis of anxiety until recently

Just over a year ago I went to bed and felt sick for the first time in my whole life . After numerous visits to Doctors it was discovered that I had a stomach infection and was put on antibiotics. I also had a stomach examination with a camera which showed that I had a very small hiatal hernia and what is known as Barratt oesophagus. My anxiety went through the roof when I discovered that Barrett oesophagus could turn to cancer however it is actually rare that it does so -- No apparently the good news is that it would never turn to cancer in me because I would have regular checkups and any signs of any change would be dealt with swiftly.

I actually recognise the amount of stress I have been under for many years and I am not sure if anybody can identify with this but I developed a habit of twitching my shoulder and also somehow tensing repeatedly the left side of my abdomen. I tried hard to stop doing this but it was an unconscious pattern and furthermore I am always aware that my body is tense. I developed truly awful pain in my shoulder but worse was the pain that developed on the left side of my abdomen and back. I got so worried that I went to the doctors and they sent me for an ultrasound scan. When I got home from the scan I received a phone call requesting that I go to the surgery urgently. The doctor told me they had found something on my liver and that I was being immediately put on a cancer pathway to check what was going on. The consultant reassured me and said that I did not look like somebody who was suffering from cancer and furthermore that the hiatal hernia and the Barratt oesophagus were really insignificant and should not be causing the symptoms that I was describing in my left side.

I got the all clear because what they found on my liver was a benign and common lesion. As an aside, the consultant did say that part of the problem nowadays is that we are doing detailed scans of people and finding benign things inside peoples bodies that will never ever harm them. However, the CT scan showed a tiny pulmonary embolism in my lung on the left side but the consultant did not believe that this was dangerous or that it was causing the symptoms I was describing in my abdomen. I am now on medication for the embolism but I can in fact now stop it but I am frightened to death of it coming back so I am continuing a low-dose of blood thinners .

But I can now not make any inroads into either the shoulder pain or the back and left side of my abdomen pain. It has also now become problematic with my sacral iliac area and hamstring . I am having a really tough time accepting that stress has caused all this and yet it is blindingly obvious to everybody who knows what I have been through in the past. The pain I experience is not constant and so this is evidence that I am dealing with TMS, however I am having difficulty sleeping because certain positions bring on really awful pain and panic.

have completed numerous online self diagnostics both in terms of anxiety and TMS and without a shadow of doubt it would definitely be said that I experiencing a mindbody issue.

I am incredibly fit for my age of 62 years but the pain I experience is absolutely ruining my life. It has got so bad over the years that ontwo occasions I have been under the care of a mental health team because of suicidal thoughts. This has taken its toll on my marriage but luckily I have a fantastic wife who completely understands what I am going through.

I am having a hard time accepting the TMS diagnosis even though I continue to have private consultations with a mindbody coach. I suppose I am just sounding off here because I'm sure most people will be able to identify with the fact that sometimes you just need to offload .

 

Keep focusing on the psychological. Your post is filled with physical diagnoses, talking about being fit.. filled with fear but fear is a state of mind more than an emotion.
Actually fear is a distraction from emotions of all kinds -both those often described as difficult ones and joyful ones.
That is not to say that your experience is not valid. It’s just we need to become more fluid: emotionally and mentally, and eventually physically. Our nervous system, when unstuck moves through flight/flight - neutral each day when it is on track. After being in a state other than neutral it can fall back to neutrality once we learn to regulate our reaction to it in these other states.
It has taken my brain a long time to “get” this. Sometimes we have a psychological backlog or personality traits that need to be re-organized in our minds to be able to get to the point we can peer under and around the fear to get back to feeling emotions which helps this self regulation.
Using a TMS coach and actually doing the work yourself are two different things. Does your coach have a program (or homework) for you to work through on your own?

 

Thanks for your reply.
Everything you say makes perfect sense -- I guess I'm overwhelmed at the moment because even typing causes me discomfort.
My coach gives me several strategies to work on but the fear makes me relapse so it's my fault.
As an example, I struggle to meditate because emotions and pain overwhelm and somatic tracking is virtually impossible because I ultimately feel worse. I end up giving up.
Perhaps even more distressing is how this is affecting my family -- it cuts me up..