Howdy ho from the fear freight train

So I've been posting on the SEP sub for a bit but figured I would hop over here for a quick hello. I have had the full gamut of maladies over the years - in high school I developed my first early stage ulcers; at 20 I had a visit from melanoma (not TMS and thankfully very early stage; I've had a billion precautionary biopsies since); and once I hit my late thirties I started seeing what I now think are my normal abnormalities with TMS pain. For the laundry list, we have bilateral knee arthritis, bilateral hip impingements with arthritis and labral tears, previously had bulging lumbar discs, mild right carpal tunnel and a low grade common extensor tear, one VERY slight thoracic disc bulge, and three cervical disc bulges. Where the pain has gotten to me has been in the right side, shoulder down my back and into my ribs, around to the front ribs and abdomen now; it feels very nerve-y at times and muscular at others. Oh, and it's scary as hell.

I also have a syrinx in my thoracic spine, if you've never heard of it (I never had) it's basically a leak of CSF somewhere that accumulates into a cyst. Read about it and you will be traumatized, 10/10 do not recommend. I scared myself witless when I first got the diagnosis. I went to a neurosurgeon who said it was minor, really just an incidental finding, and I can still exercise. Both a chiro and physiatrist have told me I still can as well.

And yet I'm still terrified daily, though I power through. Every time the pain increases, I re-convince myself I'm doing more damage or the syrinx is more serious than they say. With the pain moving around to my front, I always tell myself clearly this is getting worse STRUCTURALLY and can't break the habit.

As to my TMS journey, I've been doing Sachs' JournalSpeak for a little over 3 weeks now and following the SEP here (using the JS as my journal component for that). I find myself frustrated because I feel like I'm recognizing the emotions I don't express, I'm getting them out, I'm doing the work, but the pain is spreading and staying constant instead of moving and varying as I see so many others say. Being a runner and a lifter is such a huge part of my identity and mental health, I don't want to lose it, but obviously I don't want to wreck myself either. Steve Ozanich's book helped me with that a lot in overcoming exercise fear with his push through but it's still there.

So that's my biggest complication currently. I don't feel like I fit the mold of a TMSer with my pattern of pain. Wishing everyone as little discomfort and as much happiness as possible in this new week.

 

Hi @Rusty Red
Well, don’t get any preconceived notion that there’s a certain mold there really isn’t. The mold for TMS is that your brain —your own personal brain— knows how to scare you the most and that’s exactly what it’s trying to do. It wants to keep you focused on your body instead of your emotions. It sounds like you’re doing some great work, but you’ve only just started. It’s very likely the pain increases while you’re doing the work not for everybody but for a lot of people. So don’t be surprised about that. It’s really hard to stay calm and it’s really hard to stay positive. I think the biggest challenge of all is mental just staying mentally hopeful while you try to get better. Have you ever read the MindBody Prescription by John Sarno? I just picked it up the other day. My TMS has been extremely stubborn and hasn’t really moved much in a year, though I’ve been doing a ton of work. And all my symptoms are very, very weird and widespread. When I read the mind-body prescription the other day, it really cheered me up a lot because he describes how nerves are deprived of oxygen, and they can really do a lot of things when they are deprived of oxygen. Starting on page 139 of that book is a good outline of how to proceed with getting better. Maybe that book will help you too. Stay strong! Everyone who tries and does the work improves sooner or later —that’s what keeps me going. Sometimes there’s a lot to change in your life and it takes a while. That’s been the case for me. Changes all across the board!

 

The answers are all there, black and white. You're obsessed with this diagnosis - I note, despite the Dr saying it was "nothing" - this is classic TMS behavior. Obsessing over visualizations, which I also note you say are traumatizing. Once you get past this obsession things will get better, but then you'll be obsessed with the next "ailment" that crops up. The key is recognizing this obssesive TMS behavior and counterstriking when it strikes.

Diana-M has given excellent advice above, to which I'll add:

- Read and re-read your Sarno books
- Listen to some TMS podcasts, since you like to lift and exercise (I do too), try Eddy Lindenstein's "Mind and body fitness"
- Keep a LIGHT HEART about this - do not catastrophize
- read this forum, especiallh the success stories
- Figure out some journaling methods that work for you

good luck!

 

I'm reading Healing Back Pain right now and have this one queued up next, I bought both the other day!

 

Badly dwelling on the syrinx today. I have never seen a single positive outcome in all the research I have done. I'm struggling thinking it's TMS today knowing this cyst is in my spine no matter what the neurosurgeon said about being safe to run and lift if I'm hurting.

Bad day.

ETA I just got done reading The Mindbody Prescription. I'm feeling even more doubt because Sarno says you have to tell yourself you have a healthy back and think psychologically. I can never fully do that because while I have the normal abnormalities, I also have a true abnormality.

 

Yes you do have the true abnormality. It may be uncommon that not sufficient research has been done to show that this has little or much to do with your pain. There may never be.

Why is it so important that lifting and running is your identity? Why is there a necessity to be strong and capable ?

 

I enjoy it. Honestly just comes down to that.

 

I am reading Nicole's new book mind over body. Before journalspeak, she talked about doing the inventory list of the automatic things one does to feel safe as the foundation.


For myself, browsing on the internet, binge watching YouTube, talking long time on the phone about nothing are top on the lists. They serve as great distractions for me to temporarily escape the heavy weights of life and my internal turmoil.

Nicole mentioned she liked to run, and that was her distraction. She also mentioned that some like to seek a drink, comfort food, even drugs, etc. Same purpose from my understanding.

Dr. Mate in his book the Hungry Ghost also mentioned that his workaholic habit, the obsessive urge to collect classic music albums are essentially not much different from his East Side patients who live in poverty, despair and indulge in drugs and alcohol.

The goal is the same , we need to do something to soothe our minds, anything, and that something could be "good" or "bad". It is very very difficult to look into ourselves in the most brutally honest way. But believing that our minds our emotions could influence our body and it is a whole unseparated thing is empowering. We could influence genetic conditions, structural abnormality, chronic conditions etc. even if we could not control everything...

 

@louaci, I loved her book and use her JS practice with meditation. I will keep working on belief in the emotional source. Thank you for your thoughtful response.