Day 26 Hypervigilent

One trait of my personality is that I am __hypervigilent________________________________. I have this trait because…I was a frightened child who never felt safe.

This one’s easy for me. I’ve done much work on being tense, hyper aware, fearful. It comes down to not having a Dad in the home, being left alone much of the time, overhearing sensational tales of murder, robbery, the “ bomb” being dropped on America, voodoo practices in town, my dog being fed glass shards, and other things my mother and her sisters continually discussed.

I left home at 17 feeling unloved and resourceless, but managed to finish my senior year of high school in one place after going to 13 different schools. Each new school terrified me.

That’s the short story.

Looking back, my mother was scared to death…just look at the topics she talked about. She was a single mother in the 50’s trying to make end’s meet on a piddly salary. I got it from her and I fight it. Still, certain symptoms frighten me more than they ordinarily might had I not been so isolated and occasionally soothed.

I have battled tremendous TMS and health anxiety since 2017 when my husband became fatally ill, dying twice in front of me, miraculously revived, only to live with frontal temporal dementia. My first ER visit happened when I went into atrial fibrillation and then a series of other ER visits followed. Fewer ER calls after my husband died, but the last one in September for another AFib attack on the anniversary of his death.

So yes, by now, I very well know my problem (s) and this work, my therapist, my new friends here who understand, are all helping me overcome my fearful past.

 

Oh, Mtnjac! Hugs! I’m sad that you have had such a hard life, and still continue to struggle. But I see such a strong, beautiful soul! I just know this TMS journey is going to catapult you farther than you’ve ever been into safety. ❤️