Day 11 I Felt Pain Today, But I Looked Into My Heart Instead.

Whenever you have a flare-up of pain, avoid asking yourself "what physical activity did I do that injured me?" Instead, ask yourself "what stressful events may be causing this?"

Right now, I’m feeling a slight pain in my thigh again. Is it because I sat in a café for three hours talking with friends today? No—I’ve decided to ask myself what kind of stress I might be experiencing instead.

Today, I found myself comparing my life to my friends’. I’m unemployed, while all of them have stable, professional careers. One of them is even moving into a two-room apartment soon. It’s a place she bought with a loan, but she’s fully independent and seems genuinely content. She’s even planning to get a cute pet.

I thought I had already accepted that I would never live such a “normal” and independent life. But hearing her story today made me feel a deep sense of envy and jealousy. It forced me to reflect on my own situation. During the conversation, I had to act cheerful on purpose just to hide the inferiority I was feeling. I really hope none of them noticed—if they did, I’d feel so embarrassed.



Today's question: When was the last time you exercised? Are you worried about physical activity?

The last time I exercised was yesterday—I went swimming. Swimming is my favorite form of exercise. But even while I’m in the pool, I sometimes worry that the motion might cause shoulder pain (I read a news article once that said swimming can lead to shoulder injuries. I don’t fully believe it, but it still lingers in my mind a little). More recently, I’ve also started to worry about ear infections. If I dive a little too deep, I sometimes feel a sharp pain in my ear, and that really scares me. My grandmother has damaged eardrums in both ears and can barely hear, so whenever I feel something odd in my ear, I get extremely anxious—like, “What if that happens to me too?”

I also still avoid certain activities out of fear they might “damage” my body. For example, there’s a one-day fencing class near my house that I’ve wanted to try. But I keep hesitating because I worry that fencing, being a one-sided sport that requires hamstring flexibility, might strain my back (ugh, such a silly thought!). I really want to break free from this mindset of having to “get permission” from my body before doing anything physical.

I want to move freely. I want to be active again!