I honestly think TMS is BS

I don't like feeling this way, because I know it's my pain talking, but I feel like I just want to die and get this life over with it. This is my truth and I accept it. I've been a worrier my whole life. After a night of smoking weed (age 19), I developed panic disorder and my life took an awful turn soon after. A few years later, the chronic pain settled in (and persistent sinus problems). It got so bad to where I had to stop working in 2018. I was getting fired from jobs or having to quit due to pain and really bad anxiety (also insomnia).

Over the years, I've moved around a lot. I thought, "maybe I just need a change in scenery." Of course the problems followed me every where I went because the problem is ME, not where I live. I've been in and out of different types of therapies for 9 years and none of them help long term. I've tried medications, herbs, walking/running, yoga, etc. I journal multiple times a day to ensure I'm consistently expressing my emotions (also because it genuinely feels good). Now I'm working on acceptance because I recently realized when I was diagnosed with GAD and panic disorder back in 2007, I never fully accepted it. Instead, I've spent the last 13 years trying to rid myself of anxiety.

I went vegan years ago (I'm not anymore), gave up every food that was labeled as "bad" and did every detox you can name. I got an allergy test and stopped eating gluteb because I fell into leaky gut scam. I lost 100lbs because I bought into the lie that being overweight was the culprit of all my problems...*sigh* You name it, I've done it.

Then I started learning about the power of the subconscious mind and the spiritual connection behind disease. I've always thought my pain was due to anxiety, so when I discovered Dr. Sarno, he basically confirmed everything that I learned from the spiritual community. I even read The Great Pain Deception and felt like I was finally on the right path. I been on a self love journey and started using affirmations/afformations, deep breathing, guided meditation, ET CETERA. Again, you name it, I've done it. The only thing I'm 100% sure of, is the fact that I'm f**king exhausted. I am thoroughly exhausted AND pissed off. I don't have a life, I have no career, no money, no car, and I've been single for 13 years. I just turned 33 last month and my debt to income ratio is embarrassing.

I've started several businesses throughout all of this time, but haven't had much success and I literally have no where else to turn.

I'm starting to feel like TMS healing is more bullshit. On one hand, I'm told that TMS is caused by repressed emotions and certain personality types. I'm constantly hearing experts talk about acceptance. On other hand, I'm also being told to stop caring, stop worrying, and stop thinking about it. HOW? Again, I've been a worrier my whole life. I cannot change that. I'm also a protectionist. I cannot change that. The more I try to change, the more tension arises. The more I try to stop worrying, the more I worry. The more I try to stop caring...you get the point. Deep breathing barely calms me. I have no problem expressing the raw truth of how I feel, so I'm not sure how repressed emotions cause my pain.

I pray sooo much for God to help me, only to wake up everyday feeling the same.

Everyone says to just "get back to living your life" and I think that advice only works for people who were actually living great lives before their pain started. I have no life to get back to living. I try to spend my days doing things that I love (listening to music, dancing, cooking, crafting, etc), yet I still feel the same. Oh, and all of my symptoms are heightened during my menstrual cycle.

The ONLY thing that keeps me going is the fact that there have been many moments throughout the years where I've been pain/anxiety free. I've been trying to recreate those moments, but no success. Example: I remember a friend of mine used to come to my house at night to sit and hold me and I would fall right to sleep in his arms. I felt sooo safe and relaxed. That didn't last long though, as our friendship took an unfavorable turn. Another example: I started trying to date last year and met someone online. We talked for hours and I remember feeling calm, happy, and pain free. He ghosted me the next day and all my pain and anxiety came back full throttle.

I know that I can be calm and pain free, but there's no way I can control it.

The only thing I haven't tried is weight lifting and I'm already exhausted by the thought of it.

I'm not even sure why I'm posting this here...

 

May you find a light in the dark.

 

I'm sorry that you have suffered for so long. Your story sounds eerily similar to mine. I basically lost all my 20s to unwellness. 32 now

 

Thank you.

 

I'm really glad to know that I'm not alone.

 

They do that crap in the 12 step world and I always know the people who preach it DID NOT DO THE WORK and want bumper sticker, catch phrase, pop psychology recovery. Being an alcoholic and drug addict, that never quite sat well with me... If I 'accepted' shit, why can't the world 'accept' me and my Bourbon and Roxy? It is by NOT accepting that I moved down the evolutionary line and find a better way. Being told I was going to be in pain the rest of my life was UNACCEPTABLE

People who give terrestrial recommendations like deep breathing and affirmations must have seriously misunderstood Sarno. If any of that shit worked, chronic pain clinics would have been successful .
A lot of people have tried to monetize Sarno's work or 'better' it by adding their anecdotal experience. They may be well meaning, but it's not 'Kosher' according to Sarno. The man only stressed awareness. Anything that can raise your conscious minds understanding that it doesn't understand is helpful. It's also a bit humbling

I was like that too... but seeing as it is unconscious there is no way for me to get it out that way... in fact, I am not sure it ever 'gets out'... I just become more aware. My feelings are fucked up anyways, so 'getting them out' is just sharing illness and likely to make me angrier as nothing changes.It also drives people away, and that is another anger provoker.

That is AWESOME. When I was in an expensive rehab facility once they had 'career development' and 'personal improvement' classes. My 'Job' was being involved in an ongoing criminal enterprise that was tied into my drug and alcohol abuse...what did they want me to be? a better Criminal?(LOL)

...and now we are getting near the mother lode. I suspect you are angry at the world and god and all of creation for leaving you so profoundly ALONE.

I remember reading 'Healing Back Pain" and getting to the part where Sarno talks about deep seated anguish being at the root of Fibro.... I actually began to cry. My Father died (probably suicide) when I was 5 and I have never 'gotten over it'. But, I have found ways to use that truth about that , apply it to real world stuff now and get free.... of the need for a pain distraction and the need of another human being to fill that void that can't be filled anyways. Not just telling the world "I am Ok' but actually finding 'ok'. It's a beautiful place I didn't know existed.

I am always looking for a better question. The last one that helped me was "Why am I so empty and shallow that I will put up with ANY amount of abuse and neglect just to have someone in my life?"

If I am angry at the world about my inability to have a partner, why do I think I need one? Why am I so dependent?

the answers are easy when we get the right question

 

And to this beautiful reply I can only add a quote from a cookbook I’m reading. It’s from Nigella Lawson’s introduction to Kitchen - Recipes from the Heart of the Home.

“Fear - of disappointment, inadequacy, failure - seems to make fools of us, causing us to forget that we unfailingly learn from experience: that not doing what frightens us makes us fear it more rather than less...fuelled by the hysterical pursuit of perfectionism that defines the age we live in...Again and again, I say and can never seem to say enough: if we really needed qualifications and expertise before we stepped into the kitchen, human beings would have fallen out of the evolutionary loop a long time ago.”

Be it cooking or getting out of pain there’s a point where we need to let go and trust that everything will be ok. Maybe not every time, and usually it involves a lot of mess and great swathes of wasted time before we finally realise that we can settle into our own lives and that they are ok. Not perfect. Not formulaic. Not expert approved. Quite possibly completely out of step with the world at large. And that is beautiful.

@linnyc87 TMS isn’t bullshit but it’s incredibly easy to get mired in it if you don’t go for the jugular, and for this I give you any post by @Baseball65

I was where you are. I no longer resent the years of trying and failing to heal because they were rich with amazing, awful, shameful, pointless experiences that ultimately became the compass home. (@Baseball65 that damn 4th column).
You can heal. As Baseball says this comes when you really are ok with yourself. It’s nothing short of majestic.

Sending love x

 

I love your comment sooo much!!! Thank you!!!

I'm frustrated, but still hopeful because of all the many times where I've been pain and anxiety free. Forgot to mention in my first comment: I drunk the "self love is the only love you need" koolaid, so I made a detailed list of those moments where I was pain free and came into some really good clarity. During those pain free moments, I was:

1. Feeling safe and secure (which means not worrying =no anxiety)
2. Feeling loved and supported (which made me feel seen, heard, and nurtured)
3. Being in good company and just having fun (enjoying the moment)

So I got the bright idea to try recreating those feelings for myself, because I don't want my happiness to be dependent on someone outside of me as relationships with others are constantly ebbing and flowing. I'm not sure why I've been unsuccessful though. I really thought I found my breakthrough.

I do find it interesting because all my life, I thought I was such a loner and wanted to spend all of my time by myself, never get married, and never have children. If nothing else, anxiety and chronic pain has made me question everything that I thought I wanted. It's indeed a humbling experience.

I still don't feel safe within, no matter how much I tell myself "I'm safe". I know that's why I'm always anxious and in pain. I can literally feel my muscles seizing up after I awake in the mornings. I just don't know how to feel safe and trust that everything is well within.

 

"if we really needed qualifications and expertise before we stepped into the kitchen, human beings would have fallen out of the evolutionary loop a long time ago.”

WOW! I love Nigella Lawson. Thank you for that awesome quote! I do realize I need to increase my belief in being healed.

 

Serendipitiously an alert brought this past comment of mine to my attention:

https://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/emotions-or-pain-pathways-help-i-am-losing-hope.19053/#post-100907 (Emotions or Pain Pathways? Help! I am losing hope.)

Hygge. I reckon a huge aspect of Nigella’s appeal is that she stokes the home fires and invokes the very elements that create deep feelings of safety. I strongly recommend cultivating a hygge home no matter how humble (I live in a council flat), somewhere you belong.

I know this forum is virtual but you can be heard, supported and nurtured here. It helps a lot.

And now my kitchen beckons, I’m roasting a chicken. The perfect comfort on this cold, dark day.

 

I can't articulate better than Plum and Baseball65 already have, but I think you need to give yourself a break and recognize that you are already well and there's nothing "wrong" with you. You don't need to be tms'ing about tms, because tms is just a symptom of underlying emotional processes. For me the process of getting better very much involved getting out of my own way. I stopped trying and striving and learned to just say "F it"...a lot. It was liberating ultimately. What I realized was that I had built my own prison in my mind constructed by false beliefs I had about myself and my body and my life. I had to dismantle all that and walk out of the prison so to speak.

 

LOL!
That is so close to the fundamentals of my experience. I end a lot of my statements at work with "...or we would have been kicked off the food chain"

My dad had TMS that never got dealt with because nobody knew it was TMS. I am sure he is glad that his son got past it. Hopefully my sons pass me in a lot of things.... evolution is a beautiful thing, even when I am on the wrong side of it.

I can assure you God is listening. Usually when I finally have some time to reflect, I find God was SCREAMING at me , but I was confusing his voice with my thoughts about the matter. I was a master of well intentioned, clear thinking reason.... all the way to detox...and the Orthopedic surgeons table

When I finally reached a point where I was no longer interested in anything I had to offer myself, I heard him loud and clear.

Usually when I get miserable with anything, it's because I started listening to ME again which always drowns out HIS voice

 

Thank you so much and I hope you have a great day and enjoy your chicken. I'm going to look into Hygge.

Edit to add: WOW!!! Plum, I always enjoy reading your comments. Feeling safe in my own body is something that I recently realized I lacked. I haven't felt safe in my body since that first panic attack. For years I thought those unsafe feelings were external. It's actually internal. That explains why, no matter where I am, I'm still anxious. Yes, environment plays a huge role, but what's going on inside is most vital. This is confirmation. Right now, I live with my parents and I'm not comfortable here, but I have no where else to go. I need to figure out how to cultivate safety within. Hopefully it's possible.

 

I can admit, whenever I am boiling over with emotions, heightened sensations, and frustration, I sometimes get to a point of being fed up and that is usually when I relax AND fall asleep. I want to have that "fed up" attitude indefinitely though, without having to be at a level 10 first. Hopefully that makes sense. Lol thank you for replying.

 

You know what, I experience those clarifying moments, too. Thank you for that reminder. I think deep down inside, I'm actually mad at myself, not God. I see I still have more self love work to do.

 

Hi Linny, I havent posted here for a long time, but saw your post and related a lot. I smoked weed from 13 to 18 every day, was constantly stoned, then got very sick at 18 and couldn't smoke for a few days. As soon as I stopped I got extreme panic attacks. This became totally debilitating and I had a many month nervous breakdown, riddled with anxiety and constant panic. It was hell. From that point on I had chronic anxiety and regular panic attacks. I sort of pulled my life together after a year or two and 'managed'. But the fear lived in me after that as well as I tried to hide it. I had another nervous breakdown at 27, which should have come as no surprise as it had been building up again for ten years. This time I found an amazing therapist who helped me a lot, but it was not a cure, my nervous system was freaking out constantly.

I'd been reading buddhist books since I was a teenager, meditated a lot, done retreated (in fact my first retreat was the catalyst for my second nervous breakdown. Honestly almost everything I did just felt like it barely touched the fear and anxiety, which often led me to feel hopeless. In hindsight I realise it was helping me stay sane, even if it was not a cure.

I developed terrible insomnia after my second breakdown. Some of the hardest years of my life. I was so afraid of not being able to sleep, my heart would race in bed for no reason, I'd cry in the middle of the night in desperation. I couldn't do anything, couldn't stay anywhere, life became very small.

Then guess what, I developed a chronic pain issue 4 years ago, in my throat. I'd had globus sensation for years before, which was horrible, but I knew it was anxiety. Everything around the sinus, throat all the way down to the diahpraghm is an incredibly emotive area, full of nerves, no wonder we get pain issues there. 4 years ago, within 2 weeks I couldn't talk because my pain was so bad, burning tightening, spasms, like someone rubbed sandpaper on my throat when I talked. So I went silent, for a year or two mostly, even now I can only speak a bit, and its always painful, but Im doing much better.

I knew nothing about psychosomatic disorders when this started. I thought it was reflux, I tried loads of diets, I saw 13 specialists, had 4 endoscopies, gastroscopies, 3 tonsillectomies! As they didnt do it properly. (very painful). But there was apparently nothing 'wrong' with me.

When I read The Mind Body Prescription by John Sarno I got about 80% relief fro 3 days. I was shocked, Im extremely sceptical and cynical, so this was a revelation. That was 4 years ago, and Ive not had the same relief since. But it was proof to me, that this is caused by my mind, my emotions, by anxiety...it is just anxiety manifesting in my throat. Since then I've stayed with Sarnos ideas, and everything around it. I may have not healed yet, but I know there is nothing physically wrong. As you said, you've had periods of no pain, this is all the proof you need. When we are in pain it becomes very hard to believe it, and I often find myself looking at my throat in the mirror, thinking theres something physical wrong. Thats just fear.

You said people say just live your life, and I know how hard this is as I still feel very limited. You said you didnt have much of a life before, and doesnt that explain a lot? Maybe thats a big reason why you developed this pain. I know I was missing some huge things in my life, namely support, caring people who could understand me emotionally. And thats still hard to find in a busy world. But it does exist.

I became suicidal 2 years ago because of this, and looking back its hard to think things got that dark. My life is limited now yes, but I have a body that works, maybe I cant speak for more than 20 mins a day, and Im in pain a lot. I used to sing and write music, which I no longer do. Its all very sad, but I'm still able in so many ways, and I lose perspective when I'm alone all the time, self absorbed and feeling sorry for myself. Im not saying you are doing that, Im speaking for myself.

I'm not going give you the usual platitudes of 'its going to be ok' or 'things will get better'. Because it doesnt feel that way when you feel the way you do. I will just say I understand what it's like to feel you dont want to go on, and like nothing in life is enjoyable. I've found that in that state I'm often comparing myself to how I used to be (which is an illusion anyway), or to others, or to what I think I should be able to do or enjoy. Now I try and focus on the things I can do, and simple things I do enjoy...and sometimes that might just be eating lunch, that may be the only enjoyable part of the day (eating relieves my pain). Or having a bath. Being in nature. Simple stuff. Don't disregard the small pleasures because they feel engulfed by a much bigger world of pain and suffering. Those small pleasures can be cultivated and grow, but we have to notice them first. I've spent years almost completely unconsciously lost in my suffering, and its a hell we create for ourselves, as much as it feels out of our control

I wish you luck

 

Thank you so much! I realize most of us have VERY similar stories.