I really need help

I have posted a couple of times and had some kind advice, I know some of the pain is from the anger at exhusband and other things even further back, and I'm okay with that, if it was only that I think I could eventually come to terms. But I haven't mentioned the elephant my room and now I must,even if no-one replies I will have voiced my fears (actually it's more than fear, way beyond). Here goes...

Six and a half years ago I had to have a brain mri for a painful lump on my forehead which was turned out to be a harmless cyst, easily removed. Unfortunately an incidental finding on the scan was "marked frontal lobe atrophy - does the patient have symptoms?". This freaked me out and I insisted on discussing it with a neurologist. He explained the possible implications and said he had never seen a brain scan like mine where the person had no symptoms. Frontal lobe dementia is worse than Alzheimer's and it is progressive with no treatment at all. After talking to me at length and giving me various tests to perform he concluded that I was functioning normally, infact he said at a very high level. Also, as I had been premature and not expected to survive it could be that my brain had not fully developed but had compensated in other ways. He could not and would not predict the future or speculate on the significance of this finding. He offered to repeat the scan in a couple of years to see if it deteriorated further. I refused because I did not want to know.

Fast forward six years. No major change in social, emotional or cognitive functions. But I've never forgotten it. It's like having a timebomb in my head. I had looked after my mum with vascular dementia but her personality never really changed, she was always a sweetie and became even more so - but she always had me and trusted me implicitly.

Three weeks ago I read Sarno, then Steve's book which somehow pulled it all together. I liked his JUST DO IT motto and adopted it and felt for a week or two I was making progress. Last week my gp wanted me to see a neurologist about my twitchy leg and quad atrophy. ALS was ruled out couple of years ago. That had also freaked me out at the when a gp had suggested it. Anyway, nice young man agreed something wrong, looked at back mri but nothing there to cause the symptons so suggested other Neuro tests. I said I would not have another brain scan and explained why. What did he do - pulled up the previous one and examined it, pointing out the atrophy that I have spent six years trying to forget. He said it was much more than would be expected for my age. He also pointed out the abnormally wide gap between my left and right frontal lobes. Great. Well since the everytime I close my eyes I see that image on the screen and my pain has ramped up. Until then I thought I was doing quite well but actally I'm in a pit of pain, dread and fear for the future.

My friends and sister say things like "don't worry, you may always have been like it" or "we might all get dementia". I know this is true but the odds are not exactly stacked in my favour. How can I "unknow" this. I am absolutely convinced this has made my back worse because its not my annular tear anymore. I feel so ill and awful and I am sorry this post has been so long but at least it's out and I have proved to myself that I can still string two words together.

Paddipaws

 

You are doing catastrophic thinking! With good reason after the experiences you have had BUT your original Dr thought your brain had formed like that, your brain had compensated and you were fine. You have had no symptoms in that 6 years that would suggest anything else. So - your Dr was right. You just have an unusually formed part of the brain - that works fine! Someone else might have a huge birthmark or 7 toes. It is just an accident of how we have formed. I expect if we quizzed morticians or surgeons they would tell us that people are much more varied than we think. We all get so paranoid about anything that we deem to be different from the norm - but what IS the norm? Carrots are mostly orange and tapered in shape - but probably 30-40% have huge nobbles or bend in the middle - when I go shopping I choose the nobbly, bendy carrots - they have more character! And I expect - so do you! So stop worrying - i'm sure there are oodles of other things in your life queuing up to be worried about - us TMSers generally do!!!

 

Oh sweetie, you are "awfulizing". None of this means you will be adversely affected--unless you believe you will!

I would do some writing about my fears. What is the worst? How do you FEEL? Now the converse is: NOTHING may happen to you. . . many people have "abnormalities". We are all unique in some way--even if a doctor would call it "bad". How many times have doctors been wrong?? Many!

I hope you can move forward.

If i saw something this disturbing, I would also be praying for help to put this behind me. I realize not everyone would choose that avenue, but I find it helpful.

Now going with your first sentence, get the anger at your ex out. I have written former associates/relationships "feelings letters" unleashing my true feelings. Very therapeutic and peaceful in the end usually. the fact is, each relationship is a learning experience of some sort.

Best wishes for your moving on!

 

I can see where if I was in your position it would be easy to worry about the implications of the brain scan, but if you are functioning well at this time what purpose does it serve? As I just posted yesterday for me the fear of my symptoms, and the fear that I may not totally recover can be more powerful as a TMS distraction than the original physical symptoms. When I get lost in "what ifs" I lose out on being present today. I've been doing some mindfulness meditations that have helped me worry less, and also trying to be kind and patient with myself helps me calm down and enjoy life, regardless of whether I'm having a good or bad TMS day.

Bringing up the elephant in the room is good I think. In the recovery community we say talking about something takes away it's power.

All the best to you.

 

Dear one, you cannot "unknow" it, but you can choose what to focus your mind on. More than anything else I believe mindfulness meditation would be helpful for you. Focus on the present moment and enjoy the simple pleasures of life. It's a simple solution, though not an easy one. It takes practice, and I am just a beginner myself, but the more I practice the better I become at it.

Best wishes to you...

 

'Awfulizing'! What a brilliant word for it - I shall add it to my volcabulary.

 

Awfulizing is the worst of the worst, I have done it for yrs, no more! I will think
as positive as possible. Believe me I did it for years and nothing ever happened to
me. It was all a waste of time and stress. Put your mind above these feelings and see
the positive side. You will feel and experience peace. You are fine. Nancy

 

These are all great post, I love everyone of em and you got the best advice anyone could ask for. I know this is scary to you but that's all it is, scary. You focus on what your DR. said about you being normal and you'll return to normal, no questions asked. Do this for yourself through will training. 1 Step at a time, Start to think for like 1 minute without putting your focus back on that thought and then 2 minutes and then 5 and so forth till at the end of the week you will have built a will to think less and less of this thought line ok. Its will training ok so you'll have to will yourself on purpose to think of something you like to do for instance for a while and then after some short time you'll be re-conditioned to this thought line like you was before the other DR. drawled it back.

Remember , when you close your eyes and you see this ugly or scary picture of this thought in your minds eye or your imagination. You can imagine your pushing the picture all the way away from you into nothingness. A lot of folks that have fears will usually be able to See the picture pretty close to them, so just imagine your pushing the picture or scene all the way away from you till it disappears and that should get the picture out of your head. You'll need to do it like 5-6 times and that should be it.
Bless You

 

Thanks Erik, I needed to hear from you especially. Keep the em's going please.
You have lead me down a path of recovery and you are just wonderful. I am trying
but not too hard as you suggested. Thank you buddy!!!! Nancy

 

PaddiPaws, I too have theorized that if we were all put under a microscope, we'd collectively flip out at the things we've learned. Medical technology has opened a Pandora's box in many ways. (I love what Jo said about morticians and surgeons and they variations they probably see every day.) These bodies are so amazing in their variations and adaptations! Your MRI findings just illustrate how sturdy and adaptive our bodies are....you're challenging pre-concieved ideas in the medical communities even!

I have a sibling who has gone through a similar experience ("highly abnormal" brain MRI) and she is SYMPTOM free....until she starts to fret. She's learning about TMS and is doing so much better.

Hang in there. And yeah, mindfulness has been a real lifesaver for me. Hugs!

 

Sorry but I think I posted in the wrong place to Erik??

 

No Nancy your fine, were here for paddipaws and you or anyone else that sees help in this thread. Its about a family of friends that want to help each other. Were all in this together and you have been a great help yourself. Im glad your getting help from my words of hope and encouragement because you know its so much more to really understand that our pain is psychological but it dwells into the emotional too.
This is all the way we heal by letting our friends know our inner secrets, that way we express and get to the root cause getting a hold on the main culprit in the unconscious. I hope to hear more from you soon in some threads ill be posting and also check out the new Tony Robbins videos I posted today in the video tutorial forum- ( How to use our Programs) .
Bless you

 

I explore many faiths and take quotes from any that have impacted my heart. Such a quote I wish to share here.

It is a story of Buddha. He is sitting beneath a tree meditating as an army advances. Stopping, they arm their weapons of arrows and unleash the barrage towards him. Buddha raises his palm towards them, and turns those arrows into flowers, and they fall gently to his feet.

There are many arrows flung at us from many sources. Hurtful words, frightening information, grief, anger ...

Rather than trying to evade them, turn them into flowers.

Using Eric's advice, this practice of turning arrows into flowers takes practice, until it becomes a habit. Re-conditioning our thought process.

It also takes a lot of reassurance and community-emotional support. That is the beauty of this forum.

With blessings ^_^