Day 1 I want to believe...

Okay, so even though this is my "Day 1" I came to follow Sarno and TMS treatment rather quickly--probably more quickly than most.

5 months ago, during an emotional meltdown, I punched myself in the head. Yes, it's true. It's something I've done maybe once a year since I was 18 or so. When I woke up the next day with a sore head, I was so embarrassed and swore I'd never do it again. Before then I'd always had a temper--I'd get super upset at the most random things, even a plastic bag or a jar or something. Well, I was so ashamed that I'd given in to my anger that something must have switched inside me. Also, my sore head was a great indicator of when I was beginning to lose my cool. I haven't lost my cool since (well maybe once or twice, but my wife swears I'm a different and better person now).

After about 3 days, though, my right arm and leg started to tingle, and my right arm felt strange, alien, uncoordinated, floppy--it just felt insane. In these 5 months I've bee having muscle pain, twitches, headaches, "brainfog,"--the symptoms seem to jump around from moment to moment and day to day. Stress exacerbates them very clearly and directly. Eventually I even had testicle and groin pain, which was identified as "epididymitis"--the antibiotics didn't help and I am convinced that this is part of my TMS. I've read of people who were cured by TMS theraphy after suffering in pain with this condition for years. Needless to say, it is a very hard condition to ignore or feel positive about.

I was convinced that I'd really done myself in this time, and I fell into a shame spiral. Driving to work in the dead of winter, thinking I'd given myself a stroke or a bleeding brain--it was too much to think about. I really hated myself.

Eventually I went to have a CATscan, an MRI, and saw various doctors. They all said I was fine, and more than one indicated or even outright said that the symptoms were imagined.

Probably in my second month a radio/comedy DJ named Tom Scharpling posted something on Facebook--the trailer for the All the Rage movie--, and I instantly knew this was what I'd been looking for. I'd spent countless hours before (and even after) seeing this trailer reading up on every disease I might have--MS, ALS, peripheral neuropathy, et al. None of them matched.

So, I ordered the Mindbody Prescription, and later The Divided Mind. Some of the information seemed odd to me--i.e. 'is your body really trying to distract you from emotions, or is it trying to call your attention to them?' I still wonder this, because when I heal fully I will look back at this experience with happiness. I've been trying to get my anger under control for years, and now I have. New symptoms have substituted for it, though, and I am going to beat those as well.

But after reading the Mindbody Rx I began seeing a therapist, and began journaling every night. However, my emotions feel blocked to me. My parents were drug addicts and they physically fought/caused general chaos for the 20 years I lived with them. During that time I never had any pain or weird symptoms, just a massive chip on my shoulder, and a really short fuse (almost always directed at myself).

Psychotherapy has not been so helpful, but I am looking into getting a new therapist. I think perhaps I jumped into TMS self-therapy a little too soon, because at the same time I was journaling, I was still obsessing over and researching my symptoms and possible causes. After seeing 2 doctors and 2 specialists, I am ready to believe fully that this is indeed psychosomatic--I have the tests to prove that I am structurally sound. I have read so many other people who have the same bizarre, "hysterical" symptoms as me, and they know as well as I do that they are caused by anxiety (though most don't realize this anxiety comes from buried emotions related to one's past or one's life circumstances as an adult).

Since my "accident" I've been lifting weights, running, doing yoga--stuff I should have been doing before. So, once I beat this thing I'm going to be able to look back on all this with a sense of gratitude. I absolutely cannot wait to be healed and happy.

So even though I've been reading Sarno for 3 months, I am starting the SEP today, at day one, and I'm going to get better. Hopefully then I'll have some authority that can be used to help others with similar struggles.

 

Good luck! I'm only at day 16 but with everybody's support you can do it. This is an amazing website and everybody here is so encouraging!

 

Last night I watched a PBS Television documentary on the Cherokee Indians and heard a tribal medicine man say something that really registered with me.

He said, "If you don't believe something will help you, it won't."

It was pure MindBody medicine as we learn from Dr. Sarno, that conversely, If you do believe something will help you, like TMS knowledge and practice, it will.

 

Thanks Debra and Walt. Having encouragement from others is very important. I know we can beat this.

 

We sure can. Keep in touch!