Day 20 If I could change one thing

If I could change one thing about myself, it would be to stop my fear of confrontation. I allow small things to escalate until they drive me nuts, and in pain. I think my repression of anger is tied to this, and probably insecurity as well. I am a boss, and I struggle to reprimand my employees. We are "short staffed" and there is a toxic employee that we haven't fired because we barely have enough employees to work normally. I am finally realizing that this isn't sustainable, and we need to make a change. The truly frustrating and embarrassing thing is this exact problem, albeit more exaggerated, occurred a few years ago.
While I was imagining confronting this employee, the phrase, "you are a good assistant, but a challenging employee," popped into my head. I am not even mad at the employee, I just think they are unhappy, with work, but also their life, and would be happier somewhere else.
I had a leadership meeting this afternoon, and it was frustrating in many ways. I felt attacked and a bit deserted, but it helped clarify the path forward to me. I was actually grateful. I know that I am likely repressing some anger, and will address that, but I was happy that I feel like I know what we have to do and I am over avoiding the problem that I have allowed to grow and grow.

 

Wow brother. I have never seen someone on this forum get to the heart of the matter as fast as you!

Having crappy assistants has been perhaps my number one symptom antagonist over the last few years.

It is a YUGE TMS maker. Dependency, 'goodism' vs. perfectionism..right at the heart of TMS

 

This is so true for me too. I bet for a lot of us. Thanks for this insightful post!

 

I also avoid confrontation in my professional and personal relationships. Another way to frame this dynamic is that I use avoidance to manage anxiety. This pattern of behavior was established in childhood where if I challenged or criticized anyone in my family, I was hit with a barrage of meanness that was meant to hurt. And it did. So I learned to avoid these confrontations at all cost. Trying to "unlearn" this pattern has been quite challenging. Journaling about these issues when they come up has helped the most.

You are well on the road to recovery. Congratulations!