Day 20 If you could change one thing about your life...

This seems like a trick question. The obvious response is, “I want to be pain-free. I want my body to be able to do all the things I want and need it to do, without restrictions.” But I’ve come to realize that it isn’t that simple. I didn’t develop this multi-faceted array of symptoms in a vacuum – my mind has been protecting me from some devastating truths. That I’ve become isolated from my “people,” the ones who love me no matter what. That the person I thought was my life partner didn’t have the capacity to be that partner – and that deep down, I knew it all along. That the cost of maintaining an outer semblance of a happy shiny life has been enormous, not just on my body but on my self-esteem.
Accepting all this is more painful than I can say, but it’s liberating too. So that’s what I would change: to be able to move forward knowing that I can be true to myself, that I have the power to sense what’s real, and that my strength has never gone away, even when I thought I might break. One of the steps I'm taking is doing this program. I’ll make up the others as I go along.

 

Birder,
What a beautiful post. I also have recently realized my brain had been protecting me from scary truths. One is pretty scary still, but it is a reality that can't be changed. No wonder I avoided it.

You said,
Accepting all this is more painful than I can say, but it’s liberating too. So that’s what I would change: to be able to move forward knowing that I can be true to myself, that I have the power to sense what’s real, and that my strength has never gone away, even when I thought I might break. One of the steps I'm taking is doing this program. I’ll make up the others as I go along.


I want to be able to say that too. Thank you.

Lizzy

 

Thanks, Lizzy. We'll get there!

 

birder,

Lizzy is quite right, this is a beautiful post. Us TMS veterans often say TMS is a gift and you articulate the exact reasons why this is so. It gives us clarity and authenticity. It teaches us the beauty of vulnerabiliy and surrender. It shows us the true power and beauty of anger and compassion. It softens us endlessly with the merciful release of tears held too long inside. And it makes us strong and sure.

I'll concede there are probably more pleasurable paths to these boons but none as enriching or rewarding.

I note how you mention isolation from your people. There are a couple of folk like this for me too. I can't quite work out how it happened...life I guess...but I know they are suffering their own emotional despair and so I respect the distance but keep the door wide, wide open. This too is part of the healing.

 

Beautiful post. Thank you.

 

This is a great post. I have been such a grumpy, irritable and angry man for too many years to count. I have looked everywhere for emotional comfort and, thus, alienated those closest to me. My rage has consumed me and caused symptoms that I have spent thousands of dollars attempting to treat. This program has been a lifesaver to me. I’m 64 years old and finally convinced that I can continue to be miserable or I can change. I choose to change. Thx to all of you for your willingness to be transparent and helpful.

 

Funny, it didn't even occur to me that I could pick that as an answer! My first thought was, OMG, someone clean my house! Then I thought some more, but I haven't really figured it out yet. I'm honestly going to have to sleep on this one.

 

Wow - that too! Starting with the windows, and then the bathrooms (a lot of time will have to be spent there), and then the baseboards and the kitchen and the spiderwebs removed from the ceilings and . . . everything. Rosebud, you've hit on what we truly need!

 

Unfortunately, the next question is "What steps could you take to make this change?" Rats, they're on to me.

But seriously, a clean, uncluttered, peaceful house would help me a lot. I let lots of stuff slide while I was afraid to hurt my back even more, especially the non-daily, non-urgent stuff.

 

You inspired me to take a broom and clean some of the worst webs off the ceiling - they were seriously out of hand, haunted house-worthy. I agree, clean uncluttered space is so important, and losing it to TMS is so frustrating.