Day 15 Insidious Little Thoughts

Hey All!

Its been about a week in a half since I last posted on the forum but trust and believe I've still been lurking and I'm on day 15 of the SEP!

The "question to ponder" for today was if my pain had been moving around; and that kind of got me thinking about doubts, and fear thoughts and I wanted to post a little bit about that.

but first to answer the question:
My pain hasn't moved around too much, its still mostly in my sciatic nerve in my buttock that radiates down my thigh, although now during peak pain times, it tend to move to my lower leg and foot as well. I suppose this could be considered moving, though it doesn't seem to be targeting other areas very often. I've also experienced ache across my back after working for a while (Line Cook), but thats also not new, and also a symptom I'm pretty sure I've had since before even my sciatica. I am a bit overweight so I always attribute lumbar ache to my stomach pulling on my lower back. I've also got a "pinched nerve" in my shoulder blade that bothers me but only seemingly only when I sit at my computer desk. I feel like I remember Dr. Sarno taking a pretty facetious tone when it came to pinched nerves, So I believe this is probably TMS at work as well, Like I said I only ever really have a problem with it when I'm at my computer desk.

I've also experienced some random pins and needles in my fingers and some other minor disturbances, but they aren't persistent or distracting enough for me to chalk them up to TMS.

I digress.

Doubt.

I know that it is recommended to rule out anything serious with my doctor before starting this work. However, money is tight, and I can't really afford the tests and run around and doctors visits that all of that would entail. I am almost 100% sure that this is TMS, but because I haven't and can't have these tests done I think that's where that last little bit of doubt has got me hung up. I do want to get an x-ray, but even with my insurance that's going to cost me $250 out of pocket and when I say money is tight I mean it. (I feel like Molly Weasley at Gringott's. iykyk) I've also talked to my doctor about my problem being TMS and she sowed a few seeds of doubt saying that she'd like to rule out arthritis. (I remember a bit of facetiousness from Sarno about osteoarthritis as well.)

But other than that I'm pretty sure its TMS. For the most part the work seems to be working. My pain is too inconsistent for me to believe that this could be anything structural. Except for the fact that It doesn't really seem to move around too much.

Right now my biggest evidence for this being TMS are these:

1. My walks only seem to really hurt on work days. On my days off I have barely any pain from walking.

2. Before I started TMS work, I always had pain laying anywhere but the floor. Now I only sometimes have pain on the couch. I only sometimes have pain laying on my side. etc.

3. My pain is virtually nonexistent at work until I take my lunch break and sit down. and then after when I go back to work it flares up really bad. It doesn't matter when I take my lunch break. It also doesn't happen when I take my shorter 15 min break. Only after my last break of the day. I've tested taking this break anywhere from 4pm to 7pm, and my back will be virtually pain free until after I take this break. That doesn't sound very structural to me, I feel like if it were a structural issue my back would gradually get worse throughout the day, or just stay bad without getting better, since I'm not really doing any bedrest other than normal sleep. You can tell that this is a big one; and also a bit of a stressor because its one of the more major flair ups I deal with nearly daily and it makes the last bit of work really tough.

4. Laying in bed is all over the place. It just feels so completely random what will cause me pain while laying down and what won't. But I've been losing a lot of sleep lately because the pain just doesn't seem to go away no matter what. Certain positions are worse than others but there's always a dull ache. I'm thinking about just picking up some Zquil so that I can get a full nights rest. I think sleep hygiene can definitely play a big role in TMS and the pain at night is just distracting enough that Its hard to get to and stay asleep.

and 5. The fact that while this is the first time my Symptoms have lasted as long as they have, they have come before in other very stressful times in my life. I've also experienced it in different forms as well that I hadn't thought of before I learned about TMS. For a good year of my life I had an insatiable itch ever night when I went to bed, to the point where I would end up scratching up skin. and I couldn't for the life of my figure out what was causing it. It only itched at night, and there wasn't any type of sign it could be anything like a reaction or infection. I couldn't even tell you when it stopped happening. It just did.

Anyway all this to say that that little seed of doubt is something I feel may actually be impeding my progress quite a bit. I tell myself all the time that this is TMS, and then I know it cannot hurt me but then that thought will float into my head "oh, but you haven't gotten that x-ray, can you be sure? Your doctor said you might have a hip out of place, what if thats it?" (I forgot to mention that my doctor did tell me that my hip seemed out, but I don't have any of the other indicators that this is the case, my shoulders are parallel, my legs are the same length.) I try to swat those thoughts away as best I can but I'm a big worrier, and while I don't think I worry to the point of catastrophizing(thank goodness) I definitely do it a LOT. and its something I've been working on.

it's particularly bad when my pain spikes at work. Like I said it makes the last little bit of work really rough. It gets so bad that its hard to focus, its hard to stand up straight. And then I of course think of what my coworkers think of me leaning on a counter. Not even so much that they are judging me(though it crosses my mind.) but even that they are pitying me or that I'm in the way, which just causes more stress. I know that work is one of the biggest stresses in my life, and I've been journaling about it a lot recently.

ANYWAY.

Long post is long. I don't have any particular question or anything to ask. I just wanted to give a little bit of an update on my progress, and answer the SEP prompt. I may make another post in the support forum about journaling, because while I've been enjoying it I'd like some insight as to how it is for other people. But this post is long enough.

I hope everyone is doing well!

 

This is absolutely fantastic!
Have you attempted to journal about your emotions that may arise after your work breaks? You can do this in so many ways. You can write an unsent letter to your work break (or to your boss, addressing the break). You could journal about what about working earlier in the shift you enjoy the most? (and similarly, to walking on your off days - what is so enjoyable about it, what you see, how it all makes you feel). The SEP takes you through journaling and recognizing a lot of harder emotions and situations in life, but it's kind of fun to begin to explore some other sides of your situation. Writing about good things helps us be reminded about why they are good, but it also gives perspective and balance on other ways to look at our lives and situations. It reminds us that we can feel MANY emotions and feelings all at once, be grateful for work but dislike the slog, feel the guilt of "sitting around doing nothing" but enjoy the fact that although we move when we walk we often are "doing nothing" and have no purpose really doing it.

 

That is clearly conditioning... I used to have a similar pattern. Between using the basic TMS tools and detective work, I even found out WHY it hurt which leg at which time.

even if you had the cash for being 'examined' it is the doctor who scared you...she would 'Blame' your pain on whatever she found because that is the ONLY diagnosis they give...so you're actually lucky. Saved yourself some cash.
Doubt is part of the deal, but it has NOTHING to do with how much information you get from the 'medieval medical system'..Sarno basically said, rule out cancer...not rule out all of their BS diagnoses. They have an unlimited supply because they have never solved the problem..they are always making New ones. Like printing money

I had the itch thing too and still get it sometimes. One spot on my leg that I have itched for YEARS only when I am under pressure..nothing there. Once I itched my foot so bad I dug a hole in it..went to the Dr. "There's NOTHING there!"
Now I treat mystery itches as my "Early warning system' for TMS.

 

I actually hadn’t thought to journal positively! The whole concept is fairly new to me. I’m gonna give it a go next time I sit down to journal.

 

I thought so too! Thanks for the encouragement and the reassurance!

 

Eli,

Glad to hear from you! And that’s great you are on Day 15! Way to go!

As far as doubt goes, I might be able to help. My main TMS started with sciatica, pain in my butt and down my right leg. It later added hand tingling on and off. I lived like that for 30 years. I did have an MRI at the time it started. And just like @Baseball65 said, a doctor found something he wanted to operate on my neck. (Didn’t make sense to me so I said no.) About 4 years ago my symptoms spread to my other leg for the first time and increased all the way around in intensity. More symptoms were added. So I’m a case just like you.

The weird unexplained stuff your TMS does can convince you it’s TMS. Random hours it acts up. The itching. You have so much to prove it’s TMS. Make a list and read it when you doubt.

You are doing great! Don’t worry. Stick with the SEP. it takes time.

 

This is very reassuring. Thank you, Diana!

I have been keeping a list of proof but I think I have a few things to add to it after writing it all out here.