Day 12 Insight!

I hope you guys aren't getting tired of seeing my name popping up everywhere... I am just totally excited to be working toward healing and I want to absorb every bit of information I can!

I tried the spider journalling technique and I guess my subconscious likes it! Tonight I started with a personality trait "dependent" and I realized that I actually really want a relationship and I want to be taken care of (while simultaneously not wanting to be taken care of), but I fear a relationship AND I do not want to outwardly admit that I want one. I like identifying with being a strong, independent woman who doesn't need a man. So internal tension is generated by holding both these dichotomous feelings at once, I think.

Now, what to do with this insight?!

 

Hi Layne
I for one am most definitely not tired of seeing your name, in fact I look for it because I really enjoy and benefit from your posts.

I struggle with the spider write myself. If I understand correctly it's basically supposed to be a constant outward flow of thoughts. I'm still working to get mine to flow like that during the exercise. So far I've found myself spending much more time thinking about what to write than actually writing during the time. My sister and I tried it as a team effort the other day with one of her thoughts - word association type of thing - and I wrote it all down and then said a word back to her to trigger a thought. She seemed to find some benefit from that so perhaps I will enlist her help with one of my traits and see if it works better for me that way.

By the way, I'm glad your final decision was to post your insight here for me to benefit from!

 

This doesn't really sound that uncommon or exceptional, Layne. I mean it doesn't set you that far apart from all of us. In fact, it seems quite central to the general human condition!

I think everyone when they first join this Forum seems to contribute a lot at first. That's part of the TMS education process. Your Story illustrates several principals, including the two-trauma process, that seems to be at work generating TMS symptoms. The wider a cross section of personal stories we collect here, the more evidence we have to go on about how TMS works and how it can be healed. Thank you for your comments, insights and candor.

votre

MorComm

 

Layne, I can relate to everything you say about the dependency issue. I initially read the definition and thought , no, that's not me. I have been a career woman all my life and proud of it and not having to depend on anyone else.

When I quit work to be home with my husband, I did not yet qualify for social security. I was dependent on my husband for support. It made me furious.

Infact, I am embarrased to admit to a "violent outburst" when working on our wills discussing the fact that my contribution was less than his. When sitting on the patio I throw a glass wine glass across the patio. Now I understand why... then I could not explain except feeling I was not given credit for my contribution.

No one who knows me would believe I would do this. I am glad you brought this up because I had not thought about it causing TMS symptoms. I hate being dependent.

Keep posting... we like it.

 

I think the subconscious has a fear that is causing the polarization of feelings i.e. [want to be taken care of (dependent) vs. not wanting to be taken care of (independent)]. When we are young and we are completely dependent on others for our entire care, sometimes we are let down or our needs were not met or maybe even abandoned in some way. The subconscious (ego or little girl inside) might grab hold of this and vows to never let this happen again because there was emotional relevance to the situation or event you have your heels dug in deep. The subconscious doesn't have the concept of linear time, so the event is as if it were yesterday and contains all the power and rage. This is why it feels so alive and powerful, leaving you split and polarized with (2) opposite scenarios pulling at you. There is always middle ground and in fact, this area of neutrality feels the best. * hugs

 

P.S. Keep posting !

 

Jilly, that is a good point about being a little girl, being dependent on others for care and not getting it. Then deciding I never want to be dependent again (but deep inside I really do). Yes, there is a lot of rage. I get it.

 

Jilly and SandyRae: I think what you both say about that long period of dependency during childhood and adolescence shaping your adult consciousness via implicit emotional memories stored in the unconscious is right on target as far as the generation of TMS symptoms is concerned. Sure helps me understand my own reactions to my late father and mother's death and the transfer of their property to yours truly. You work hard all your adult life to be an independent rugged individualist in your own right, but back deep in your unconscious you're still the dependent child in a scary world dominated by adults. Dr Sarno is so correct - as usual - about the dangers and pitfalls of that whole rugged individualist myth in contemporary Western capitalist consumer culture where there is no real clear transition from adolescence to adulthood. Leaves you with so many unmet dependency needs that linger on into adulthood.

 

Sandy, When you spoke of your rage and throwing the glass...I completely understood. I too have felt that rage. Now I know where it comes from and I don't need to operate from my darkest fears anymore. * hugs

 

Isn't it interesting how a set of circumstances can leave an imprint for a lifetime and with another individual there is no relevance what so ever. That just fascinates me ... I once read about internal filters and how it is our own interpretation of the situation that causes us our pain and not the situation itself.