is NOT returning to life keeping me sick?

I dont even know what to call this post, but this is how i feel today:


OMG I had a realisation today! I realised that the only time i really ever develop TMS- is when im away from wrestling with an injury.

Literally everyday since i was 16, id wake up and the first thing i'd think about was 'What am i going to do today to get me closer to my dream of being in WWE'. Then i became a wrestler and still that was the motivation i had to get me out of bed in the morning. Whenever i'd be injured, id get TMS/ chronic pain because i couldnt wrestle. The first thing id think about instead was now 'when will this pain go?' 'isit it still here?' and as long as it was- id interpret it as 'well then i cant go and wrestle and achieve that goal'. i noticed that in these times, i felt hopeless- just like how ive felt for most of this year.

I kept getting injuries in the last year before the pandemic- but i never rested because it was enstilled in me to work through them- plus i love wrestling.

I feel like i base so much of my identity and self worth around my job and my success in it. I wear it with pride like a badge. so when im not able to do it, i feel like a let down.

i was aware that i try not to even talk about returning to the ring because the thought of wrestling dangerous people and possibly getting me hurt and back to rock bottom terrifies me. During the pandemic a lot of people in the industry were revealed to be abusers and toxic people and that whole scandal made me feel unsafe in the industry.

Ive always been so ambitious and this fear feels like i have lost out on my dream. As if it's died. In this time away, ive felt powerless and had totally forgotten how resilient, strong and brave i actually am.

In this time away from the ring (also due to covid along with injury) ive been more sick than i ever was when i was actually wrestling. I keep getting something new- skin rashes, a bad neck, a bad back, shoulders, more concussion symptoms, other stuff too which are so embarrassing- and honestly it doesnt make sense. How have i been more hurt while NOT wrestling, than i was while i was wrestling? I think the thing that is keeping me sick is being AWAY from the ring.

When i realised this, i felt a sensation tingle through my head, then up my legs and through my whole body. It didnt hurt, but felt like my body was coming back to life or something. It sounds so weird. Ive been scared to even write down 'return to wrestling' because of the fear around it, but i know this is what i need to do to get through this. Just the thought of 'knowing' that i WILL return, makes me smile and feels empowering. I am going to take my life back because i deserve to be happy.

When i was wrestling- before these injuries- i always had a smile on my face. i was always so happy go lucky. It gave me such freedom in my life- Any time i had a toxic f*ck boy, or some family drama, id go to wrestling as an escape- an escape that actually had some rewards.

I am done feeling like ive got my tail tucked between my legs. I am putting my stake in the ground and saying i WILL return. i don't know when, but i WILL and that means everything! One day, i wont even be thinking about all of this and it will be a thing of the past.

 

any time I had a TMS relapse, the 'sign' if you will, that it was over was a very similar feeling...almost like an ASMR thing.