Is the well of grief/anger bottomless?

Hi everyone,

I have this new form of panic attack going on that happens during sleep. It’s basically my entire body burning and being clenched. I wake up certain that I’m dying. It takes me awhile to come to and realize, “Oh, it’s only you, TMS.” Still, even being aware of it, I’m ultimately rattled. Just plain sick of being hijacked. And my TMS loves doing its worst tricks to me during the night. Maybe because the subconscious has free rein?

That being said, I had a horrific attack last night. My son and my grandkids visited yesterday. It was a very nice visit as these visits go. But a huge subtext always runs through my head the whole time, and I can’t get it to stop. It includes topics such as: I wonder how long I’ll live? Will I get to see these grandkids grow up? They are growing up SO fast! It’s really unfair I love them at least as much as my own kids, but they aren’t my kids and all I can do is watch and see how they turn out. Why aren’t my son and I friends? When he was young, we used to be. Is it all my fault? I can’t relate to him now. Did I ruin his life somehow? I hate that I can never see them much. But when they do visit it wears me out. No one ever talks about how hard it is to be a grandparent. Seeing them always makes me think about my own grandparents. I loved them so much. Did they feel this way? The way I feel now? Life is screwed up. Sometimes I think old age is just a way to get us to accept death and even kind of welcome it. I wonder if they are upset that I need a walker. I can tell my son is. The grandkids don’t seem to notice. Do they? I always thought I’d be a really active grandmother. I used to cook for them, and now we just order pizza. I’m sad and mad. Where can I get justice for all this? Things are just unfair. I believe in God so much. Isn’t that supposed to help with all this? Why don’t I have more peace about stuff like this? I need way more faith.

Well, that pretty much answers my own
question about why I’m having the TMS flare and attack last night.

I DO journal. An exhausting amount! Will it ever really make any of this go away? It feels bottomless. Will I get to the point that I’m resolved and can coexist in TMS-less peace while still in a state of anguish?

What do you guys think?

P.S. I wanted to add that every time I have written a post I wanted to delete (like this one) because I feel too stupid and vulnerable for sharing it, it turns out it leads to some amazing growth and another step closer to my recovery.

 

This: https://audioboom.com/posts/8543488-anxiety-vertigo-migraine-long-covid-and-waking-up-with-jonah-primo (The Cure for Chronic Pain with Nicole Sachs, LCSW / Anxiety, Vertigo, Migraine, Long Covid, and WAKING UP with Jonah Primo)

Triggers effect the nervous system because of feeling lack of safety, the nervous system creates the symptoms in response to the lack of safety. Fear.

My suggestion is that you might be constantly writing and STAYING in this anxious nervous system state of being triggered because you are writing about triggering events. I am pretty certain this is part of what was created my very severe anxiety. You also may be writing to "cure" your pain. "If I just write it all out I'll be over this pain" - it's really just another way the brain hopes a magic pill will cure it all. Fear.
I think that last week's podcast will spell it out a bit better for you. Listen to what the neurologist and the dizziness therapists told this guy. They were truly enlightened.
What they told him to do, was very much like Claire Weekes suggestions. You will learn to survive the triggers, and see them for what they are and not stress or worry over them. You may have a few rough days but the symptoms are benign.. that means ALL symptoms. They physical and the MENTAL symptoms. You need to learn to stop fearing the physical sensations of the anxiety and totally reframe what is happening. It's not a "TMS attack", it's a nervous system response and it's NORMAL.
So how do you stop the thoughts that run through your head while something is happening. You tell yourself the TRUTH. RIGHT NOW the kids are here and healthy, isn't that wonderful. I want to see their little outfits and perhaps play a game or hear their song Etc. Then another thought comes into your head like I wonder how long I will live and you catch yourself and say I can't control that, but I can have a great time today enjoying these beautiful children and watching them grow. It's bittersweet as they grow isn't it? and feel that bittersweet feeling in your body (not just in your head) - the little sensation in the throat and behind the eyes. And you keep redirecting your thoughts to the TRUTH of the moment. What is REAL vs. what some mean old little gremlin in your head is trying to tell you. Prove to that little numbskull that you are absolutely safe. You can be angry and be safe, you can be upset or stressed and be safe.
The goal is to allow your nervous system to feel the stress and the triggers and perhaps have some sensations etc and then calm down and reach equilibrium again. This might take a few days or a week or whatever time it takes but YOU DID IT! You faced a triggering situation and you are fine and safe.
Congratulate yourself for doing things that are hard right now.

 

@Cactusflower
It never ceases to amaze me the advice you give. I can’t tell you how I appreciate it. This line right here: “feel that bittersweet feeling”—it actually made me start to cry. So the feelings are right there. That close to the surface. I also had an “aha” moment just now, reading your post. That I do in fact hold myself rigid and tight against the feelings. I don’t let them wave through. I’m going to bookmark this post and read it over and over. Thank you! (Will also listen to the podcast you attached. )

 

I can relate to driving yourself crazy with your own thoughts. What has helped me the most with this is what is called "active mindfulness meditation". Basically, it is stopping your racing mind by focusing on the sensory input of an action or situation. I practice it when I'm brushing my teeth or washing the dishes, etc. I learned about it from Dr. Hanscom. Here is an article he wrote for Psychology Today about it:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/anxiety-another-name-for-pain/202402/a-simple-starting-point-for-healing-active-meditation (A Simple Starting Point for Healing: Active Meditation)

 

All this miserable unhelpful mental chatter and clutter is stopping you from living in the moment.

This works for me to stop my thoughts spiralling away...

 

Thank you, @Ellen !!!

 

Wonderful video! I appreciate your help, @BloodMoon !

 

Regard journaling and things seeming "bottomless"... as usual, you got me thinking @Diana-M.

The same guy that I posted up before also has a video about living in the present. He recommends that when we think about the past and when we think about (and want and need to plan for) the future it should only be on paper, e.g. in a journal. And for the rest of the time we should practise living in and attending to the present.

I like the idea of this distinction/separation, and I mention it as I wonder whether maybe you are doing so much journaling that instead of leaving stuff behind on the page, your brain is tending to carry on coming up with connected stuff after you've closed your journal and this is liable to cause that "bottomless" pit feeling. Do you think that could be right, perhaps?

Do you meditate? I'm still a novice at meditation. However, I understand that when the brain gets the idea that we are liable not to latch on to the random thoughts it throws up, it does it far less. This is because during meditation we just observe our thoughts and let them pass by us 'like clouds on the background of the sky' and don't get hooked in.

 

@BloodMoon
I think I’ve been planning for the future since I was about 2 years old while living with my unpredictable alcoholic parents. So…. That’s a hard habit to break!

But, I like this idea of limiting the planning. It recognizes you are going to do it, but puts some perimeters around it. Good one!

Meditation has worked to calm my chatter when I do it in a dedicated daily way. I’ve recently started to dedicate again!

Thanks @BloodMoon for thinking about how I can keep my crazy under control!

 

Glad you liked Ashwani's videos, @JanAtheCPA ... and, oh my gosh, I'm wondering if you might become a meditator - now that you know it only takes 1 second a day and you don't have to be anywhere near perfect at it to benefit!

Glad you like the idea of limiting the planning. I was reading the other day that research suggests that, on average, it takes anywhere from 18 to 254 days to break a habit so, although it is daunting and hard, the good news is that it shouldn't take a life time to change even a virtually life-long habit.

 

I love the idea that it’s not impossible for us to change!

 

Have you tried hand knitting? It is meditational and practical, you can make wonderful gifts for your son and grandkids while calming your nerves!

 

I have! I actually love it and it is very meditative and soothing. My hands are cramped up right now (like yours got) so it might be hard right now. But I think I might try anyway.