Is this feeling self love?

First I would like to say that I've been reading through many discussions and have take Alan Gordan's pain program and I am thoroughly grateful for the brave men and women who post here and for those who have provided help out of the kindness of their hearts. That being said, I have not posted a thread because I've never felt worthy of any attention or help. This is what this post is about.
I now see I have suffered TMS since around age 12 when I suffered anorexia. It went from eating disorders to smoking and drugs to drinking to obsessions and now the last three years fibromyalgia. Pain so intense I no longer wanted to live. I hid, I isolated, I felt shame, embarrassment and every form of negativity towards and about myself. As I would read through these posts and read amazing books like "The Great Pain Deception" I would think to myself,. "Yes they are this way but I am just lazy and truly a piece of shit." "They deserve self love and a break but I am actually a loser." I have accomplished nothing, I am of service to no one. And on and on and on. I have delved into TMS and I have felt 100% without a doubt I have TMS. 3 years of tests and MRIs and absolutely normal and healthy. I'm so pathetic that dr's didn't even want me as their patient. This is the record constantly playing in my mind.

I meditate, I exercise, I see a psychologist, I educate myself etc. I've had moments of relief but always playing in my head is "you're not doing this right." "You're not being sincere, you're faking." The pain keeps coming back and I keep at my workouts and say it's just my brain yet I continue to suffer. Lack of follow through is my worst trait and I make sure to point that out all the time to myself.

Just this week I'd had it. I feel lost without a paddle. My teeth are throbbing, my head is throbbing, my arms are burning and my legs are burning. I over eat and then shame myself about it all day long. It's getting really old. Same shit, different day. But I hit this beautiful low this week. I went outside at night and just sat there watching the trees and feeling the air. This bully inside me took this moment as a time to play a truly sick movie for myself. It showed me every dishonest, unkind, manipulative thing I've ever done to anyone and they were all true. I was sure that yes I'm truly a bad person. I cried and cried because I was so dissapointed in who and what I became. A selfish, self obsessed, just awful form of a human. It was intoxicating. So much so that I actually said "God, higher me, spirit guide, whatever,. Please help me I'm exhausted."
Something else I must point out is I've come to conclusion that I have a very hollow void inside me since childhood. No true interest in life or people. Just getting through it. This feeling has been there since I was very tiny. I know why and I'm finding true empathy now for that little girl.
The next day in my meditation something bigger and wiser took over. My busy mind sat down and stayed quiet. My breath didn't feel forced it was very much relaxed and easy. I heard "You are not bad. You have not been able to accept love from others or genuinely feel love towards others. You did not choose this out of evil intentions. You have been deprived the amazing feeling of love. You punish yourself because you believe others are genuinely good and you are genuinely bad."

For the first time in my life I couldn't intellectualize the feeling I had. The closest I got but it still didn't do it justice was a big sister presence that was showing me my humanity and telling that bully in me to leave her alone! I saw me for the first time. Not as a bad person but as someone who's never felt the joy of love. I kept trying to explain the feeling I felt to myself but words couldn't. The only thing I can say is I think for the first time in my life I felt the feeling of self love.

I also heard "It's time for Free to love,.Free to heal." This is a book my Dr gave me a year ago and it's a thorough workbook. I had started it but didn't feel worthy of it at the time. Again, others deserve this, not me because I'm bad. I started this book from the beginning last night and the words were now for me. My lowest point in all of this became the moment I gave up and reached out to something higher and it reached back.

Thank you to anyone who took their time to read this, you all have given parts of yourselves and it has helped me and others feel a part of something. I believe it's what Steve O means by "Tracordify."

 

This is a very brave and profound post and I salute you for sharing this with us. If I could write as well as you, I could have written most of it myself with regard to the self-loathing. You are well on your way to healing now and you aren't alone. You have help and support.

I look forward to reading more of your posts and hearing about your journey.

 

Thank you for your kind words Ellen. I have read much of your insight through my time spent on this forum and you have a lot of wisdom in regards to life and TMS as a whole . Sharing today felt like a much needed step and fear to overcome by sharing my deep rooted secret and bringing it out of hiding. Thank you again for your support.

 

Hi NNava,

I am so happy you made ---more through grace or luck, than skill, in my opinion, such a wonderful connection with this sense of friendliness and care inside. In my experience this happens when I am really vulnerable with my feelings, really feel how I am suffering, and don't try to "man up" the way my personality typically does.

Your description is so tender, so real. I think this communion you had with yourself is the beginning of a long, important, beautiful relationship, one which is needed. I hope so.

Thank you for sharing your experience here. I think it is a guide and an inspiration for anyone who wonders about self-love, and self-understanding.

Andy

 

Hey thank you Andy! I appreciate what you had to say. It's interesting that when I finally gave up and surrendered I was blessed with support and a big answer as to why I'm suffering. That night the emotional pain finally trumped the physical pain. I'm starting to see the journey in this because every time I think "ohhhh now I get it," another layer is revealed. I want the pain gone and want to be "normal" again but I still have so much to learn.
Thank you again for the wise words!